Decisions, Decisions

Not easy to make, have to have a focused and perfected of priority, and have to be willing to listen to solid advice with open hears and a welcoming heart.

Focus on your objective -- the core of the competitive adult world.
No job is below you, some of the highest have really worked from the bottom up.
Respect all, love your enemies, hold fast to your principles.
Your true character (as designated by God) must be solid and supported by both your public and private image.

Know what lasts and know what comes and goes.
Every major opportunity comes with a little bit of sacrifice.
Every ounce of wisdom is worth thorough consideration.
Those who have helped you along the way deserve to know you appreciate them.

Be thankful.
Be responsible.
Be proactive.
Be hopeful.

Surrender yourself only to God.
You owe the service of your life to your Creator.
You owe your dedication to your Savior.
Worship your heavenly father.

Recognize, assess, respond.
Be in control but hold on gently.
Be fully committed to the present.
But be prepared for adjustment.

A man determines his course, but God designates his footsteps.
God is a light unto our feet, not always the sun unto our world.
There's a reason we have to step out on blind faith.
There's a reason we know as much or as little as we do.

Defend and be strong.
Be compassionate and preserve.
Be established in your faith and in your character.
Plant deep spiritual roots.

Serve God and not man.
Please God and not man.
Conform to God and not man.

I feel compelled to admit that I am wholeheartedly prepared to take this next step in faith.
I feel God might very well wish, the Holy Spirit might very well lead, and Jesus, were he me, might very well have progressed on the course to graduate early.
I will proceed through this summer -- applications, teaching in China, taking a summer college course.

College prep, cultural experience and familial support, and educational progress.
All prepared to be blown up.
May God preserve, might he empower, and might he be proactive and eager with his rod and his staff.
Might I always be prepared to listen.
Might I always be prepared to let go for Him.

Please help pray these things upon me.
I want to graduate early.

Like Tossing a Rock

"Much will be required of everyone who has been given much.

And even more will be expected of the one who has been entrusted with more."

Luke 12:48

To whom much is given, much also is expected.

With great power comes great responsibility.

Much has been said along these lines..

how many respond to the call?

Every day, as I walk home from school, I bounce my life between my hands. I scoop up a rock from a neighbor's yard, the closer it is to a baseball in size and weight the better, and I begin to bounce it between my hands and perform a combination of reminiscence and self-assessment for the immediate and distant future alike. My mind shifts from hand to hand, what has come to pass and what presently remains ahead, all the while comparing and analyzing the present. These thoughts aren't quite as deep as they might sound, though.

Last year, it was several times "You will break a four-hundred pound deadlift by the end of this year."

Last max of the year, I put up four hundred and fifteen.

Not bad for a freshman.

This year, it has many times been "You did all you could today, head home, relax, and feel proud."

I hardly ever failed that one, that one was easy.

It was mostly in the winter though, when I got both my homework done and a maximal lift.

Lately, though, it's been getting grander. A little more ambitious, a little more exciting, a little more entitling, and a little more depressing. Today, I had just wrapped up a conversation about the growing possibility of me taking a year away from football. Honestly, with all the work that's been going down towards getting my diploma from Madison one year only, it hasn't been seriously until now that it became wholly real. I might not play football this autumn.. and it stings like a bitch. It could probably rip my heart out if only I'd let it.

That's all I thought about.. but as I watched the rock bounce between my hands, lightly sinking to that instantaneous moment during which all of the weight, the focus of my energies, impacts my paw, I realized that life was much the same in its way. We shift our focii, we enjoy our days, we take things one day at a time. The hand must perform two tasks before it shifts roles: the first, taking upon all the weight; the second, letting it all go. Football must be let go, academics must be caught. Higher priorities first, shifting focus obvious but necessary, hence, the flow of life.

Almeida's Quote

"Some people are more comfortable in hell."
- Tony Almeida

"Are you talking about Jack or yourself?"
- Audrey Raines

This just hit me pretty hard.. in a good way because it makes sense to me pertinently. As I've said, Romans 5:3-4 is one of my favorite verse because it talks about how we can rejoice in our sufferings because of the character it produces. It also made me think about the things I tend to choose for myself, which is essentially giving everything to the point of collapse in whatever my highest pressing priority is at the time. I let an opportunity slip or settle for second-rate effort, I fear I'll eventually do nothing but compromise full-on effort for the easy route. Some of us like it hard. Some of us like it rough. Some of us are more comfortable in hell.

The thrill of the fight, the joy of overcoming pressures and evil, the reliance and dependence upon God -- all of these things I pray to find maximized in my life, whether the direction this requires is via firefighting, police work, military, FBI/CIA, politics, missionary work, or anything else that might remain in store for the duration of my life. I want to do something dangerous. I want to do something that demands moral aptitude. I want to do something that will allow me to be all I can be, fight hard against what's wrong with the world, and serve the good that exists by, from, with, and for God.

I figure I'm more comfortable in hell.
Keeps me on my toes.

So yes, Audrey, I'm talking about myself.. and Jack Bauer.
So if something connects me to Jack Bauer, that's one more good thing for me.

Just some things to think about.
Just some things to become.
And some things to certainly look forward to.

- Steven Peter, Double Martyr

The Possibility of Vomiting on a Book

Of Mice and Men sincerely made me want to forcibly emit bile.

That, a Klondike Bar, and a couple of tasty burgers.

Not to mention that awful feeling you get when a friend murders his helpless companion.

I am so, so sorry Lennie!

It doesn't help that Noah once told me I reminded him of Lennie.

It's like seeing that mini-you pass away.. violently.

Lennie felt like family eventually.

He felt like my faithful puppy.

That trusted, protected, and loved me.

And then I shot him in the back.

Because I think John Steinbeck wants the reader to be George.

Because we are forced to follow him around everywhere.

It's so, very sad.

I wish I could cry.

Today was an incredible day, too!

Went to church and ran sound.. 

with a stooge-like proportion of blunders.

Eliana and Emerson were dedicated.

Ryan and Katie's shared families doubled the size of our church.

And we met a new professional musician and ate a tasty burger.

Then I went to my final driving lesson to validate my permit.

Which went well, drove from Madison to Morristown

Through Morris Plains and Parsippany towards Livingston

And finally back through Chatham and Madison.

Stopped at a drive-thru along Route 10

for a celebratory milkshake.

Thank you Mr. Hein!

So I've proven myself a safe, quick, and adept driver.

Or at least to be in possession of similar capability.

He said there wasn't a lot he had left to teach me in the first place.

So that was nice.

(Just to the side.. I wonder why I'm writing like this.)

(Is this the effects of reading some heavy and well-done literature?)

(John Steinbeck's effect carrying over into my own?)

(Whatever, I guess I'm just thinking in four-line stanzas tonight.)

Spent some time with Dad.

Read all the way through Of Mice and Men.

Should probably finish some quick math homework.

Hopefully that doesn't upset my stomach more.

And then maybe I should list out some reasons

Or invest some serious thought

As to my proposal of an early graduation

A possibility of questionable wisdom

If you've got any experience or whatnot

(I suppose this is where blog turns positive)

As to early graduation, related college admission,

the duress involved with graduating early,

or any advice whatsoever..

Feel free (pretty please)

To send me a tidbit of your insight

Because I really don't know how to start assessing

But you could probably help!

At least a little..

Thanks!

Facebook message.. wall post.. 

comment below?

email alohawarrior22@gmail.com

call or text 503-807-0296?

One Sad 100th

I was going to start off by saying that this was a sad one-hundredth, then a second ago, I realized that really doesn't matter. The more I think about this kind of thing the more the journal loses its integrity and purpose and becomes more like a staggering blog. It's important to maintain the difference occasionally or I do not really have a journal, as has been the case with meeting a minimum and being minimalistic and business-oriented here. If there are days when I don't feel like writing, maybe I just shouldn't. If there's days when I'd rather not post to Facebook, maybe I just shouldn't. This still isn't about accommodating readers and I plan on avoiding that course entirely.

I went to the Naval Academy this morning and have to admit I was quite impressed. The campus was obviously federal, but the location is of course astounding. Downtown Annapolis is a beautiful collegetown with the same space as, say, Chatham, Madison, Summit, and Morristown combined. You've got that same feel, but it's nicer, bigger, more culturally diverse, and with a hell of a lot more midshipmen, a legion of which I could possibly soon become. 

We listened to loads of stuff regarding admissions, my Dad and I, and all went really well. I was continually intrigued by the layout of the clubs and activities, not to mention the summer activities which include navigating submarines and battleships, operating leadership positions, traveling far abroad, and executing advanced combat exercises. 

What I noticed most about Annapolis is the ways in which it stamps out West Point. West Point is a citadel and a fortress, a prison if you will, while Annapolis is a bit more of an engaged base. If you want to be locked up in the middle of nowhere for a pure, one-dimensional focus on strict discipline and orderly nature, then West Point is the place for you. If you'd rather live in a slightly more loose and cultural zone, Annapolis will treat you much better. Annapolis has some killer seafood, including my first lobster at Mike's Crab House across the South River.

I sincerely enjoyed my stay in the area, with a trip taking me from the rurals and natural reserves of Assateague to the rough and tumble of intellectual Princeton University. Whether swimming through freezing cold Atlantic waters or engaging and getting excited scholarly, this trip is one for the record books. One of the best parts was spending some serious quality time with Dad again, which has been sparse and somewhat gawky in the recent past because of the divorce. New settlements are going to be difficult to adjust to, but I don't want to sever either relationship with either parent. I don't want to cut one off as they cut each other off from one another. It's hard not to be split, but I guess I have to hold out as strong as I can and rely heavily on God, even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts. Hopefully I can lead Wesley and Cade in the same path, but ultimately it will be up to them.

It sucks when both parent feels they're fighting the good in a good vs. evil type of situation. It presses upon the essence of who I am, the product of their divine union. It just rips me to shreds sometimes, especially when I can't even have a complete picture. The worst part is when Mom says it hasn't even started yet. How much worse is it going to get? How much bad is going to happen until the good comes out? Will there always be a bit of both? Life is a little off.

As a kid, you rely pretty heavily upon the stability of your parents. A father's firm and gentle hand, a mother's tissue (or slap upside the head), a spanky spoon to the bottom or cheek.. these kinds of things give you definition. But when you take these things away from a sixteen year old, a twelve year old, and a seven year old all trying to find their drifts in the world? What happens then? Where do they wind up? Are decisions messed up or distorted? Is their vision of the world confused? Do they come out stronger?

Does it really "work out better for everyone?"

These kinds of things run through my head when I start thinking about it, which is infrequent because I force it to be so. It keeps me up late at night, not because I'm thinking about it hard but because I'm exhausting myself trying not to. I don't have a full enough picture to analyze it.. it's still processing. I mean one side doesn't even give me a hint towards it, the other might give me too much. Are there set boundaries for these types of things or are they just come as they go type of things? You really only get one shot at this.. and it just doesn't make any sense sometimes.

Just about everything in my life I have prior experience with, I mean seriously. School, been doing it for ten-plus years. Family stuff, heck, since I was born! Traveling and moving, as long as I can remember. Church stuff, as long as I can remember! Sports, since kindergarten! All these things continue to build upon themselves.. but a divorce, you don't get to practice it again. You don't get another swing. This ain't no at-bat. You start off with a full count.

Except is a home run even possible?

You've got no stability in your stance if you haven't seen it coming before the pitcher wound up to throw.

You've got no practice either, this ball is coming in unrecognizable trajectory.

You can only adapt and quickly.

Your vision is completely obstructed in some areas.

You can tell how fast it's coming, but never where it's at.

A strikeout seems pretty inevitable.

But how does this translate? Where would I end up if I hit a home run? Home plate? What does that look like? Things back to normal? Back in time? Waiting for it to all happen again?

Where would I end up if I struck out? Back on the bench? Have I been there before? Will it be recognizable in the slightest to me? I'll feel like a xeno- no matter where I land.

So I realize the best game I can play is my own. Forget defense, we'll try to let offense play its course and outscore whatever's going on. Keep up the passing game with church, the running game of school, goal line play with family, play action everything else. I mean, there's really not a perfect analogy for it either. It just doesn't match anything else with life.

IT'S NOT NATURAL.

.. at least, not to me.

I keep playing the game I've practiced all week. I call back on that playbook they call the Holybook. I keep asking my coach what the hell I'm supposed to be doing, where I'm supposed to be going, why the defense is running how they are. Sometimes I'm getting sacked flattened all over the damn field and we get a turnover! I gotta play a defense I've got no idea how to approach! Do I blitz it full on and get smacked emotionally? Do I play conservative and feel a little apathetic, a little too cautious, a little sociopathic? Psychopathy's on one side.

Sociopathy's on the other.

The middle beam is a slippery, round, pipe.

I can't hang on to it because it's burning hot.

And I just have to do the best I can to keep my balance.

The thing is though, that this isn't football. It's not baseball. It's not even track (do analogies even work with track? I'll have to pay more attention.) 

It's like something totally new -- something never before experienced.

I cope the only ways I can.

I pray God works his magic and comes through like he always does.

And I'm sure He will.

However long it takes.

I just have absolutely no clue what that will look like or will it come.

How long do I wait?

How long do I pray?

How long do I work and

How long do I play?

Will business every come?

Will this one day be behind me?

Will we be able to move on, together?

Will I still be me when we're through?

I've seriously got no clue.

And I'm starting to feel a little blue!

A little mouthful, a lot to chew.

Like something you'd get... out of a drive-thru?

Sometimes, I stumble into informal poetry.

It doesn't rhyme, it doesn't matter.

It just flows and looks like art.

The letters a magic trick.

The structure of the lines a movie flick.

Shuttering and flowing, who cares if it's shit?

It's me and it's raw.

It's me and it's uncensored.

I am who I am.

I work towards perfection like Christ.

I don't play no games witcha.

I have my bit of fun, but it ain't no play.

Not looking forward to no payday.

Just giving my all, whatever it's worth.

Until the day I collapse.

And just can't hold it up no more.

Which might not never come.

because if my God is for me,

who could be against me?

One day he'll call me home.

One day it'll all be over.

One day I'll perfectly belong.

One day, I'll never be wrong.

I ramble and I rant.

I give a bit of this and that.

You love or you hate

I love it either way

Just don't give me no lukewarm nonsense

Tell me how it is

If it sucks, perfect

If it's great, make me better

Critical judgment's a man's best friend

A fool flees criticism, sayin' "don't judge!"

One day, we'll all be judged in perfect condition.

And me, I think that's pretty sweet!

'Cause I like justice.

Like the classic Chris Stevens.

I commit grand theft auto I expect some jail time.

Don't let me vote, make me a criminal!

Consistency, please!

Because that's the way life rolls.

And the way I tumble with it.

The way I expect Christ to land me on top.

The hope I have in salvation.

Eternal life makes this segment of life insignificant.

God's sacrifice makes it matter all the more.

The trials will come and pass.

In God's hope I can truly rest.

Peacefully, without a care on my mind.

Not an ounce of strength do I need.

Just a bit of.. drive.

Just a bit of.. faith.

Just a bit of.. sleep.

Just a bit of.. good night.

Going Back to Sleep Again

I've been getting tired lately..
but sleep is good.
"In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat, for he grants sleep to those he loves."
Psalm 127:2

And some more:
http://cureyourinsomnia.blogspot.com/2008/06/sleepy-bible-verses.html

Yesterday Was A Full Day

6:45 -- Wake up!
7:00 -- Get ready!
7:15 -- Time to go!
7:30 -- Bus to Track Meet! Sleepy time!
7:45 -- At Summit for Annual Relay!
3:30 -- Time to go home.. with first medal!
4:00 -- Hey Papa! And Mints! And National Society of Student Scholars!
4:30 -- Let's go to New York!
5:15 -- We're there! First time, Papa!
11:30 -- Let's go home, slept the car ride home.
12:05 -- Got home, headed upstairs to sleep, forgot journal.

So it was a packed day and a fun day, followed by another, have a good day, everyone!

Losing Motivation

I missed last night's because I was lazy and tired.
Tonight's is short because I have an early meet tomorrow.
"The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied."
Proverbs 13:4

Work hard and be rich.
Work less and be poor.

Work what the Lord wants you to work and you'll be happy.

Pretty Chill Finish

I feel like I've just set a burden down gently. I didn't break it, I just passed it off of me and did it with satisfaction and relief and with the consent of those around me. Been carrying it for about a month, but my part in it is over and it might be done as a whole unless someone says differently. And I'm just fine with that.

This is Kony 2012. 

It's over and it kind of killed itself. The government was talking about it within days. The attention is widespread enough. My primary goal was to bring the communities together and show a way for students to get involved by setting a solid precedent. I feel we did that. I feel that if a nobler and greater cause were to rise, one of legitimate purpose and need, Madison and Chatham would be prepared to take action. This is a vote of confidence and a reassuring one. Mission accomplished.

It feels really nice to have gotten out of it, to be honest. It feels like an honorable discharge from the military, just plain and simple. I feel pretty liberated and expect to feel even  better about it once I hear back from more people. It will be cool.

You know what does frustrate me though is YouVersion right now and my internet in general. Chrome isn't trusting anyone lately, not the Bible, not Facebook, who knows what's next? Blogger? Whatever, I can't finish my daily reading in the Bible and it's starting to piss me off. Every time I try to REVISIT Facebook it tells me it's on a heightened level of security and that I can't access it. It simply won't let me because there's a slim chance the security address could be counterfeit or slightly outdated. Whatever. What are people going to do to me? Make my computer worse? I'm pretty sure the virus protection is worse than the virus. The cure is worse than the disease. Let me get identity theft, you can be Stevie LaFerriere for a day, you can use my non-existent credit cards, you can bullshit my wall, just let me use my computer without it itself getting in my way!

(googling 'bible verses about frustration')

"These things I have spoken to you, that in me you might have peace. In the world you shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

John 16:33

Thank you MissMega... from Yahoo Answers!

Doing Good

You know what are a couple of really good movies?

Braveheart and Gladiator

I really like those period pieces, if that's what you call them, those that capture times of old and make them new and exciting and bring in some good music too. I had a cool idea: I could mute the music to Skyrim (since, let's admit it, it's getting old) if I ever get around to playing it again and just play to a Pandora station of other epic soundtracks. I'd still have the sound effects, but it'd feel more cinematic. It'd be awesome. The only trouble would come when and if I had to press the "I'm still listening" button.

You know what else is a pretty good story?

The Bible and Life As We Know It

"Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will never pass away."

Matthew 24:35

That's pretty cool.. the unforgettable dialogue of the legacy of Jesus Christ.

Sounds awesome. It gets even better when it goes The Neverending Story and lets you into it.

That's even more awesome. I love it.

You know, today wasn't a horrible day.

Got tests tomorrow but I got some good stuff learned today and a lot out of the way. 

I feel accomplished.

Lovin' life and doing good.

Quick but Important

Jesus compacted everything before him into two basic laws:
"He said to him, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and most important command The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commands."
These still hold true today. They can govern all.

I Wanna Be A Part of Something Big

If that means I'll be a high school dropout.. that's fine by me.
If that means I'll be an early grad superstar.. that's also fine by me.
The last thing I want to do is get in God's way.
I want to do whatever he tells me to,
to go wherever he tells me to go.

And if that's not Harvard, all the better
And if that is Harvard, all the better
And if this is Australia, my ticket's gonna be bought
And if this is Madison, New Jersey, I'll drop anchor

I'm safe as long as God's with me
I'm safe as long as I'm in danger
I'm safe as long as I'm not totally
welcome or fit in this world

I'm safe as long as I'm obeying God
I'm safe as long as I'm putting His will first
I'm safe as long as I don't get in His way
I'm safe as long as I'm active in the passenger seat

I'm best when I'm looking where he's looking
I'm best when I'm following Jesus' example
I'm best when I'm God's radical hands and feet
I'm best when I'm His humble uninhibited

I fit when I'm out of this world's place
I fit when I'm in the holy of holies

Some rules are meant to be broken
Some rules are meant to be upheld
Some rules are meant to dominate
And some are meant to be crushed

God's direction comes before my guidance counselor's
God's direction comes before my mother's
God's direction comes before my family's
God's direction comes before my own

Whichever way I should be led
Please pray I go that way
Please pray that pride and self-absorption
don't overwhelm me

Please pray for the humility with which I struggle
Please pray for the caring heart I sometimes selfishly exploit
Please pray for dedication and devotion the fearless sense
Please pray for clear guidance and unmuffled wisdom

Please and Thank You