Today Was Solid

I woke up and had a solid day of school. It wasn't too tough and it wasn't too easy and it wasn't too boring and it was pretty much just right. I had a decent time and was able to relax. The rest of the day went easily, I was a little tired.

I went to the detention room and asked Lynott for a break. He said sure and I went to track.

Going to track was lots of fun. I got a nice sweater as a generous and compassionate gift from Austin Tolbert. That was very nice. I was warm.

Being at track was lots of fun.

I went through the warmup and headed down to jump. Wait, not yet. I got my measurement and got in line. Then I remembered that I had the one-hundred.

I went on over to the one-hundred and finished second, maybe third. Not a terrible time for a first, not incredible of course, but still all right: 13.2

Then I got back in line and took my first jump:
15'1"

Not bad for a start.

Then I waited a while and started again:
oops, didn't know it was the furthest back that got measured
I caught myself with my hand
and got only a 13'7"

Ouch.

Did it again after quite a while.
Tired and getting a little rough:
13'10"
fell on the butt

200 Time:
28.5

.5 longer than last time
guess that's what happens
when you don't go to practice
stupid research paper
oh well
it might have been worth it.

4x400 almost killed me:
we finished 4/6

We worked hard but I got passed
first straight was into the wind
that really sucked

learned a lot
had some fun
wore myself out
came out proud

By the way, it doesn't make much sense to me when people say that God is a pacifist. When you get to know him in the Old Testament, he ends life pretty abruptly. He also is a violent and passionate protector of those whom he loves; remember the Egyptians? It's not like they swam home after the sea came crashing down on them.

Read Israel's song in Exodus 15
"The Lord is a warrior; Yahweh is His name."
Verse Three

God's not always so easy going.
He gets pissed sometimes.

Good night.

Drifting Away to Sleep

Well.. It might be a day that I can be proud of, but I'm feeling a bit tired at the moment.

Things have been weird lately, I've been getting more and more sleep but wanting more and more at the same time. I usually only get my updates up between eleven and twelve, sometimes later, but lately, nine to ten have felt late at night to me. I'm not even doing a ton more.. I'm just burning out quicker. It's only been sixteen years and I'm already getting old; technically, I'm only four! So what the hell's going on?

No clue. Don't care. Feeling lethargic and world weary. Were I an elf I'd return whence I came.

I've found something, I like to use a lot of those old words. I like to say "all save this" instead of "all but this." Whence is just a cool word.. try it on your tongue, it just rolls off and makes you feel proper. Or British. Or just stuck up and snobbish. However it makes you feel, it's still a solid word.

Did all I wanted to with today.. felt like it went smoothly. Smiling and laughing and holding myself lightly all day, it's nice. A life of relaxation and productivity, sometimes at the same time. I wonder how I come off to other people.

I wish one of my days would be recorded, then I could go back and watch it and see what I look like on screen, take a step back and observe myself, and just get an idea of what a dork I must seem to be. I wonder if I could hire a couple of judges, toss in Simon Cowell, and see if I could get a ten or a going-to-hollywood with one of my days. I wish there was a scorecard. That'd be cool.

 You know another thing I've been thinking about? The seasons. Especially the way people dress. There's a definite set of summer and winter clothes, specific fall clothes, but in the spring you kinda just skip back and forth because the weather's all of a sudden bipolar. You've got a coat one day and then shorts and a t-shirt the next. This got me optimistic though, because with this way seasons have been kicking up early (October Storm and the early summer days we've been getting sporadically) we might not have torturous daily doubles. It might be early fall weather that won't try and kill half of us.

Oh well.. bye bye guys.

"The one who guards his mouth protects his life; the one who opens his lips invites his own ruin."
Proverbs 13:3

I take risks and would love the opportunity to put my life on the line.. are one of you readers going to get angry with my lack of inhibition and stick a knife in my chest? Stevie says all that he thinks about with this blog. Well, pretty much. Everything that sticks around long enough to be written down. I'm not joking when I say I don't backspace.

Euphoria

You know how those things that surprise you most please you most? Sometimes?

Well I have to admit that's about how today's been. Not a ton of crazy stuff has been going on, but life's been good. A pleasant walk into school a couple minutes late.. I feel like there's a bit of swag and badassness with sitting in detention and being that kind of loser. Not really. Makes me feel like the James Franco guy in Freaks and Geeks though, if I do it right. Detention's like a playpen for criminals, you know?

"What are you in for, huh?"
"Nothin'.. I swear I didn't do it!"
"Yea sure.. that's what they all say."
"Yeah but I'm legit.. my bed had it coming."

Sleeping in the morning becomes a crime and the world is left to wonder what the hell happened. Not really, this is a timeless issue, Proverbs 6:6-11 is like that guy from Back to the Future who uses a shotgun to put down slackers. Angry professor much? Anyway, the verses go a little something like this:
"Go to the ant, you slacker!
Observe its ways and become wise.
Without leader, administrator, or ruler,
it prepares its provisions in summer;
it gathers its food during harvest.
How long will you stay in bed, you slacker?
When will you get up from your sleep?
A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding arms to rest,
and your poverty will come like a robber;
your need, like a bandit."

How bad do you want it?

But you know, that's another thing. Hard work brings some of the greatest rewards. Like writing this massive paper you hate as much as a five-year-old hates the "bother" in his shirt and getting it done or getting it cut to shreds, as the case may be. Rolling out of bed works too, I swear that's one of the most difficult things a man does regularly. It doesn't give you the same feeling of reward though.

Being done with stuff is nice.

Surprising delights of today:
- a brutal edit from librarian Miss Germer
- being chill with being late
- laughing through parts of detention with Lynott
- thinking about getting Bavarian cream donuts for the guy like he always wanted
- getting the paper done and not feeling terrible about it!
- a sweet conversation with Charlotte Rowen from VHS.. it's funny that you make friends online
- Josh loves UNCW!
- getting some salt on the fries today.. and building the line up behind me (whoops!)
- having one hundred dollars and seventeen cents in my online lunch account
- a pretty tasty blueberry muffin
- getting a 75.5 on the Chemistry test and moving my grade up! whoo!
- finding out that despite two C's and a D+.. I've still got a 3.8 for MP3.. what does that mean for MP4?
- Mrs Vilarino! Sweet as can be, included the required homework reading on the quiz about it! Great teacher too. No offense to anyone else, but English teachers, if you treat them right, can be your best friend. Same with history guys. But the people that get caught up in math and do science for a living? Fuhggedaboudit.
- a talk with MaryKate at school.. nice girl that I surprisingly haven't ever really talked to before
- being called Ms. Elefante's star student! or was that yesterday?
- realizing there really wasn't much more to do after I finished my lab report
- feeling pretty good right now!




You know what: Life is good!

At Its Simplest

It's been a long day with a ton of work.. so I'm hitting the sack.

"Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

Good night.

The Good Shepherd

Why worry about every which way to go when there's somebody of infinite power already doing it for you? Just follow the perfect instructions and you can't go wrong. Stand here, stand there, stand anywhere you are commanded. Life is good, God is great, and people are crazy. If you want to go all Billy Currington about it, beer's good as well.

"The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack. He lets me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He renews my life; He leads me along the right path, for His name's sake. Even when I go through the darkest valley, I fear no danger, for You are with me; Your rod and Your Staff - they comfort me. You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord as long as I live."

Psalm 23

Eyes Ahead

Two seconds or more, that's what they say in driving school. Or one second for every car length between you and the next. In life though, things aren't always this simple.

Some say you live in the present and for the moment. Others say you should maintain ambitions and constantly plan for the future. Hardly any say you should live in the past, but many will say it's important to remember the good times and the bad. With so many voices looking straight forward, down to the floor, or over your shoulder, it becomes nearly impossible to forever maintain a simple image.

Life just isn't easy, sometimes. For people like me, however, that's what we live for. We live for hardships and hardships overcome. Our safe places become hot spots of agonizing idleness. We become claustrophobic, running down a tunnel that never closes behind us yet always tries. Does life collapse or do we just perceive it to do so in order to accomplish extraordinary feats and vanquish another rival force?

Life can be a mystery, man can hardly be its detective.

You know, I can hardly watch two episodes of 24 before I realize that I must be the most impressionable man my age on the surface of the planet. I witness the sacrifice and dedication that comes with television's version of the government, the indomitable will to save the lives of innocents, the value of laying one's own life down for a cause that is much greater than himself. Were I to look into the military and government and find no qualms with its morale or motivation,  I would have no problems dealing with the chain of command or the commitment which appears to be forever. I have done no such research, know not of a way to do so, but only hope I can find the way to fulfill the life that was laid out for me by my master and savior. There is a reason these emotions have been so deeply distilled within my being. There might be a correlative reason that my name is Steven Pierre. There might be a reason that they're both martyrs and saints.

I feel like a feather, sometimes, drifting in the wind and subject to even the lightest of exertion. Josh Simon mentions the mentality of the Outback and I feel like my life all of a sudden belongs forever in the great Down Under. I see a single glimpse in a motivational video showing a firefighter busting through the door to rescue a burning house and I feel that is suddenly the best occupation for me, with no circulative hesitations. I hear Ryan Ozolins say that being a youth pastor is the most difficult and most rewarding job in the universe, you guessed it, I decide it'd make the perfect side job. A quick thought scampers across my mind of Randy Moya, who I esteem as one of the best coaches I've ever had, and I decide I want to coach youth football and baseball my whole parental life. I hear Jack Bauer say that in order to do his job, you have to be able to "detach," and I question if I ever want to have a family.

A thousand bullets in a vacuum must all eventually collide. They don't hit pleasantly either, they may cause slight indents or knock one off of its course entirely.  There is no order and a thousand possibilities. The entities of life work likewise ricochet. There's no telling which one's going to hit you first. You have no idea which one's going to stick. You have no idea which one's going to be perfect for you.

You don't know if one even can or should be perfect for you. We do live in this world after all, for the time being. "Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth." - Casting Crowns. The issue right now is that there's so many objects lurking in the somewhat distant future. I'm looking miles ahead when perhaps I should be looking only two seconds or a predetermined number of car lengths. Does this mean I'm going to get into a wreck? I see a thousand roads going a thousand different places in a thousand different ways. There's just too much out there. It's a blessing and it's a curse; it's a welcome challenge.

Uncertainty is one of those things you really come to hate after a while. It's often paired with patience, which people like often have trouble with. Some things you really don't want to have to wait until Christmas to open. Sometimes you just want to accelerate beyond the tempo of life that belongs to you. You can't take it anymore and just want to skip a couple of years. You sometimes lose track of where you're actually at. Then you've got that remorse to deal with. This leaves you to do your very best to deal with this all with a considerable deal of swag, always gotta look good on the outside. Stay loose even if you're tight as an unfulfilled expression inside. (Tight as a ___? There is an expression hiding out there somewhere.)

Dealing with all this here is exactly why I don't need my mom to pay a counselor. I find myself going in there and just trying to learn what I can of his trade. I play along with genuine sincerity.

I practice the role of the counseled in order to counsel those I know. It's much more like an indirect psychology course for me than a therapy (which would go towards an injury I don't have). It's fascinating but perhaps a waste of coin.

So I just knocked out my reading and I think there's a pretty cool verse that we've been talking as a youth group about for over a year, whether to console us over our size or to motivate us in prayer or to just rejoice and appreciate all that has been made available and promised to us by the most powerful force in the universe.

"Again, I assure you: If two of you on earth agree about any matter that you pray for, it will be done for you by My Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in My Name, I am there among them."
Matthew 18:19-20

I love that verse, shows how accessible God is. But, to be honest, how easy is it to get two Americans to completely agree on anything? Not very.

I talked on the phone tonight with an upset reader that brought up a valid argument. She's upset that it seems like I don't care about you guys reading this, or that I make it seem like you're reading something you're not supposed to be reading. Thus commences the third part of a trilogy on LaFerriere v. Blogspot.

First off, what you are reading is a blog.
What I am writing is a journal.

When you see statistics, what you are seeing is a progress report.
What I am writing is a compliment.

When you see an address to yourself, what you are seeing is definitive establishment of terms.
What I am writing is self-definition.

When you are reading this now, what you are seeing is a standing zone of neutral territory.
What I am writing now is neutral territory.

Comments can come back now, I suppose. But don't get your hopes up, grouchy old me isn't promising any responses.

P.O.O.P

People

Order

Our

Patties

I'm obviously a little bored.. and wanted to see if this would radically change viewers or anything. That's a funny thing, you know, the way I get to experiment with blogging. I've discovered it's not really the quality of an individual post that tends to get its views. It's not any of the post's own qualities. It's the advertising, it's the title, it's the day of the week, and it's the quality of the last couple.

Today was a good day.

I woke up, I took the morning somewhat slow and went to school pleasantly late. I got a lot of homework and I got to chill with the folks from school. Had a study hall Intro to Theater and used some time at the end to work out some scheduling stuff. That's where things got fun and I got into a good mood.

The graduate-early schedule is now requested.. just gotta wait for it to schedule and we're in the clear. That's good to hear, the courses don't even look that bad. For VHS -- I applied for Criminology, Constitutional Law, Eastern and Western Thought, and Psychology of Crime in variant preference order. I'll meet one-thirty credits by the end of next year and be on my way out the door. I also don't have to do too much of the classes I don't like. I'll be taking Calculus of course.. but it's standard! Science is down a bit too, I'm taking Honors Bio which mostly freshmen take (and I didn't.. because I was considered smart once)! I'm excited. I get to double in Social Studies (APUSH and AP Gov/Pol) and English (Honors 11 and AP Lang) and I'll just be doing Honors Spanish 5 with the possibly psychotic Sra. Davis. She's awesome though once you realize what she's been up to all along.

Youth group was pretty well done, I have to admit. Games in the beginning were fun and outdoorsy again, but the best part I think was Ryan's idea to split the final group into those who wanted to talk and those who wanted to play. There was some serious discussion where [confidentiality breach error: identity] talked about [confidentiality breach error: subject] and.. hang on, you're not getting any of this. Oh well. That was in one room and the other people got to hang out and do what they wanted for fun in the other room. It was cool.

Then I got let down knowing I couldn't go to the big movie with a group tomorrow morning because I had some kind of stupid counseling appointment.

Then I got let down by you know what.

Then I got picked up by seeing my mission was accomplished! After watching a couple of Mem's videos, I decided I'd try to match suit and see if I could get into her featured comments section. I just detected a pattern, took on the tone, and put it up. If you really want to see what it is, feel free to check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=VwGO0BvT4Jw#t=205s

It wasn't really my voice.. if you know what I mean. It was a bit of a psychology-sociology experiment, gauging how well I could match the scene if I wanted to. I got the job done. As a wise man once called himself, I might too be a "Semi-Pro Conversationalist."

I do enjoy her videos though.. even though I feel a little silly admitting it. The funny story is I got into it after watching the 8 Dates from Matt Koval. How I ended up watching that, I really have no clue. It was sufficiently comical. I walked away pretty impressed with both her acting abilities and her humor. If you're a girl who doesn't mind Aussies, (I love them!), you'll probably love it. If you're a guy secure enough with your masculinity to watch what might be considered a little girly, you'd probably enjoy her stuff too. She's not bad looking either.. pretty silly though.

I'm almost embarrassed to say I've been watching a show called "The Wonderful World of Zoe" from time to time.. I think I even subscribed.

Sometimes even I don't understand me.

"A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed."

Proverb 15:13

On Our Way

March could be the busiest month yet with a predicted 1319 views by the end of the month.. with 1242 in January taking the second highest an the eight-ninety-four of February! Congratulations!

Time for a reminder both to myself and to other people.. this is a journal. After extensive enjoyment and analysis of actual blogs and vlogs, I've finally realized what makes this journal different from those weblogs. The difference lies in motive. If somebody's smart enough to make a chart of this, I'd be much obliged:

Am I Creating a Blog or a Journal?

Blog

Am I writing this more for my own enjoyment or for that of other people?

I write to appease and entertain my viewers and subscribers.

Do I take requests?

Often.

Do I write out things normally considered secret?

No.

Do I care about the views it gets?

Of course.

Do I allow comments?

That's where I get my ideas.

Journal

Am I writing this more for my own enjoyment or for that of other people?

My own enjoyment.

Do I take requests?

Most often not.

Do I write out things normally considered secret?

Yes.

Do I care about the views it gets?

No, but I find them amusing.

Do I allow comments?

No.

There you have it. Maybe I'll start a blog or a vlog someday. As disgusting as the word might be, they're not bad, this just isn't one.

You'll notice I do acknowledge you a lot though, that's both because I feel like conversational writing is easier and more relaxed and also because you're a big part of my day. You who read this, even you Russians, have helped make me who I am. If it weren't for you, I would be a lesser man, at the very least one that had no idea who you all were.

We're up past three thousand views.. a cool three thousand two-hundred and nineteen. I wonder how many journals or dairies have gotten this many peeks.

Verse of the Day:

"Be exalted, Lord, in your strength;

we will sing and praise your might."

Psalm 21:13

It's okay to be proud of what God's doing. It's okay to proclaim it. It's okay to be loud and let everyone know how awesome and mighty our God is. It's also okay to tell him that, He loves it.

Man of the Day -- my good buddy Josh Simon.

Pray for some safe travel for him as he flies into North Carolina in a couple of hours. Also for an effective, useful, and enjoyable time down there checking out universities.

Josh Burks is pretty cool too -- scrimmage in two weeks. Prep's important in baseball. More prayer?

God, let it be done.

Now, here's a joke:

Woman's Rights

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

Another:

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really any good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

One Hundred More!

http://www.onelinerz.net/top-100-funny-one-liners/2/ 

Note: You can break your laughbox.. just read three more and you'll see for yourself.

P.S. That one counted.

Won'tpower, Providence, and a Haircut

(two bits!)

You know what's even more chill, easier to pull off, and just as effective as going all radical and extremist about everything? Just hanging back and knowing exactly what you don't have to do. Some call it minimalism. Others call it slacking. I call it an interesting idea.

I guess it's the idea of the positive side of senioritis. It's like quasi-productive resting periods. You don't have to do a ton of work, but if you give just the right amount of a nudge in just the right areas, you'll do just fine and walk away triumphant. You don't have to stress yourself out. You don't have to overthink things to the point at which you'll probably explode. You don't have to do more than you have to.

So, to exercise this we'll keep things simple.

First off, I can't take credit for the term. Credits go to Stephen Covey and a great book on being an effective member of society as a teenager that I read when I was twelve. He's the son of the guy who wrote The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.. which is why he titled his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens. Give it to your kid today or someday.

Now that that's out of the way, here's the rest:
"Now I know that the Lord gives victory to his anointed; He will answer them from His holy heaven with mighty victories from His right hand."
Psalm 20:6
A speaks-for-itself verse. I have one question though, is it really all that important to capitalize His and He all the time? Especially when talking about Jesus, it seems to really drain the accessibility of a personal relationship with God. It also doesn't look as nice on paper when stuck in a sentence.

Quick story of the day.
Around 5:40 today, I decided it would be worth the risk of missing Long Hill group and just get the haircut I had needed out of the way. When I got there, I figured it would take too long because there was only one stylist there but when I asked my Dad if he thought I should wait it out, he told me that I definitely should. So I did. And I ended up getting one of the best cuts I've ever gotten.

It was fascinating though, it wasn't really like any other haircut I've gotten before. You know how getting your hair cut is typically just another chore, like brushing your teeth or shaving those pesky whiskers? Well, this one really wasn't. At most places, they just ask you what numbers you want, how you want your sideburns done, and just tell you to pay your tip and get the hell out. Some try hard enough to spark some conversation about trivial things like what grade you're in or what sports you're playing, I guess anything to get their minds off of what must seem to them a really boring occupation. This time, the talk was genuinely friendly and she actually seemed to really care about what she was doing. My head was becoming her artistic masterpiece, when I realized she was getting into it I decided to just hand over the reins and let her do whatever she thought best.

"I love a challenge," she said. "But you usually don't get those too often when guys come in and just give their kids the standard boy cut. It gets so old.. I hate it!"

The girl who was giving it really seemed more like an artistic free spirit than the rustic gruff and hardness of a barber. She's young and pretty, a blond twenty-some. She had a playful and fun personality that maintained a consistent realness and solid sense of timing. When she was working, she was working. When she was talking, she was playing. She was pretty sweet too, down-to-earth, not afraid to make suggestions or opine, great with her sense of style.

She was really professional too, really knew her stuff. I had originally gone in there and asked for all scissors like my dad had asked me to because of the last time (I didn't know a "three and a two" was going to be a buzz cut!) and the way it didn't turn out so great.

"The same buzzer all over?" She shook her head cutely, "that's what we do for babies.. but that's no fun. Things just start to get fun when we grow up when we start layering, making it shorter here and longer there, you know, that kind of thing!"

Some people apparently never drop their old styles though, like her cousin who she says likes the straight-up buzzcut so much that he's afraid to let it go. She would tell these stories pretty nicely, I heard a bit about her family, not too much, but just the kind that lets you know who you're talking to. Her family apparently won't leave her alone from her haircuts:

"My mom's always telling me to give her another haircut or fixer up, which I sometimes get fed up with. 'Get me a haircut!' ... 'Get a life!'"

She had a great sense of humor too. Okay guys, I admit it, I might have been crushing a little. She was awesome though! I wish I could go on, even though I normally wouldn't, but I just think it's pretty awesome when you can enjoy something you normally don't. Especially when it's good enough that you forget about going to something you've been excited about for a while. Life is full of pleasant little surprises, like the neck rub with a hot wet towel and the shoulder massage at the end! It was pretty great, really, and if it can get me writing paragraphs about a haircut and a nice girl, it's gotta count for something.

Part of me wishes my hair would grow even faster than it already does.

Always Before Bed

Almost every time I do this journal, it's late at night and after midnight. It's exhausting.

Got the research notes done finally.

I went from being clueless and sucking at pole vault to at least getting a bit of air, landing on the mat, and almost using the pole somewhat properly. One step at a time, slowly but surely, all that jazz.

I found something that was a little bit funny (remember me and secondary definitions, funny not as in comical but as in anomalous) in Matthew tonight. In Chapter Fifteen, verses twenty-one to twenty-eight, Jesus almost lets a Gentile mother down simply because she is not Jewish. When I'm working on a paper about racial discrimination and how it lines up with the Constitution, I've been paying special attention to this kind of thing in what I read. It's fascinating really, but it seems like Jesus almost denied her begging until she displayed such great faith that he seemingly changed his mind about helping her. Was Jesus playing hard to get?

Read http://www.youversion.com/search?q=matthew+15&version=hcsb and let me know what you think. Focus on verses twenty-one through twenty-eight.

"But she came, knelt before Him, and said, 'Lord, help me!'
He answered, 'It isn't right to take the children's bread and throw it to their dogs.'
'Yes, Lord,' she said, 'yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table!'
Then Jesus replied to her, 'Woman, your faith is great. Let it be done for you as you want.' And from that moment, her daughter was cured."
Matthew 15:25-28

What's up?

Finally Vulnerability

Is this my time to open up and feel? Is that why my grades are  going down and my focus is shifting? The times when I'm happiest and most at peace are while I'm exercising and I've got dopamine and endorphins running through me, and then when I'm reading the Bible at night. The funny part is these are the things I don't look forward to doing until I'm doing them. I dread workouts until I've started, hate them until I've finished, and them love them for the rest of the day. I type in "blogg" into the search bar and then realize I haven't done my daily reading, then I get a little put off that I have one more "chore" to do, and then I start to feel happy and energized when I actually begin reading.

I don't understand what's going on in me for the rest of the time though. I can't really focus on schoolwork as well as I used to be able to, my GPA's dropping towards being lower than 3.8, and I'm overall just feeling lethargic, sad, and a little overwhelmed by some unidentified force. I feel somewhat alone. I feel like I just really want someone to care. I feel like things are intense and my head's been held under water sometimes.

I don't really regret having lower grades, they were a distraction and a religion for a time. Getting into that perfect college just isn't the most important thing in the world like sometimes I believe it is after a thousand college letters and e-mails tell me so.

I also feel like there's a bit of an all-clear happy-mask I put on sometimes. I act content because it's a lot easier than taking on the burden of emotional honesty, which in this case, is usually a kind of profound sadness I haven't really seen the likes of before.

I really hate saying this because it bothers me when it's all certain people can talk to me about, it governs certain people's lives, and it's hard to accept that it might be the overpowering element in some people's lives, but this might have a lot to do with the divorce. I'm upset about it because I grew up never having to really look at the marriage too long. I never had to worry about a divorce because I was repeatedly assured it would never happen. That didn't stop me from crying about it when I wasn't sure what was going on through polluted and out-of-control minds.

Now I feel like there's an emotional manifestation deep within me that I shouldn't suppress and should fight to be honest with myself about, but I haven't been able to muster up tears in a very long time. I can't remember really crying since what must have been March of 2010 and even then I didn't know what it was because of. I still don't really know why. It was after a great day in the city with my mom and my dad, I think the same day we went to Grand Central, and then we were crashing at his apartment in Livingston. We probably watched some Band of Brothers or something, but that wasn't a part of it. Eventually, mom went to bed and I was just laying quiet on the couch with my dad sitting across the room. I don't know what I was thinking about really, I don't know if it was anything at all, maybe it was our most-of-the-time estrangement, but whatever the reason was I started to cry gently, softly, and quietly. It was just a tender moment for me but it didn't feel like happy tears. I was sad about something that still hasn't been fully revealed to me. I can only wonder what took me over.

I don't think I've honestly cried since. I wish that were different. I've had tears well up one or twice, maybe on the road home from Boston Project, but that was different too. I've tried to bring them up a few more times, but it's like trying to make yourself puke. You're sure you're going to do it, but when it burns its way up your throat, you chicken out because you think it's going to hurt or be embarrassing or just generally undesirable. The worst part is that you know you'll be better off afterwards but you still can't quite pull it off.

I wonder if tears get old or rot if they sit in your eye bubble things in the corner too long. Do our eyes make new ones or does a batch just sit in your eyes until you eventually let it out. I don't know, maybe there's not much of a science to it.

I feel that lump in my chest, not the one that comes in your throat and you can hardly breathe or bend your neck, but the one down in your gut when you know something's amiss, you might regret what you're doing, or you're nervous about making some kind of big change. This isn't the jittery kind of excited nervousness, it's the depressed, morbid, and solitary kind. It just doesn't feel right.

I wish I knew what I was doing that was keeping my emotions down. I wonder if this is the way I let them out. Maybe each letter is a tear of its own. I don't know. They say pouring yourself into a journal is therapeutic emotionally. I say that might be true, but it mostly lets yourself out mentally. Prayer lets your emotion out spiritually. I don't know if there's anything other than tears that lets you relieve yourself (not potty-wise.. emotionally) completely and pleasantly. I wish there was. I wish screaming would do something. Maybe it does, but do I really want to wake people up in the middle of the night? Do I really want to make everyone hear me in the middle of the day? Do I want to have to fill out the paperwork of a mental or emotional breakdown? Do I want to soil everything viewed positively about me? Do I want to get locked up in an asylum for the psychologically impaired?

I don't know why I put this out in the open. I think I really want to be understood and if I'm inhibited, it just doesn't work. There's really only one major thing I've ever kept from you guys, but it's really best for everyone if only a select few know. You guys get a pretty good look into me otherwise, though, I really can't complain. Someday people might read through this and really be able to get a grasp for who I am. Theoretically speaking, my written essence is bound to outlive my living essence. Maybe these will be bound up, slightly edited and modified for publishing, and then spread throughout the world one day. I don't know too many people who give such full disclosure openly and routinely. This journal might be one of the best ways people get to know me when they don't already. I'm sure you Russians know more about me than even I do. You could lock me up, plant a look-alike, and nobody would ever know the difference. Have you already? Is the Stevie that everyone sees really just a Russian spy, while I'm locked up and only allowed to write this as a report of what the Russian Stevie's been up to throughout his days as me?

Now I'm getting crazy.

You can see that.

If it gets fixed, you'll be able to see that too.

Is this reminding you of the first entry at all?

Minus the awkward and uncomfortable intro?

I've gotten to the point in the Bible that talks a lot about Joseph, who really was pretty awesome. You guys should read that story, it's golden.

I'll give you guys a simple but meaningful proverb to ponder, it's easy to quote because it's from Proverbs:
"I am teaching you the way of wisdom; I am guiding you on straight paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hindered; when you run, you will not stumble. Hold on to instruction; don't let it go. Guard it, for it is your life." - Proverb 4:11-13

Now to clean up my research articles and go to sleep.

We're in for a sleepy morning.

TGIPD.

Thank God It's Pajama Day.

Skype and Homework

"You have just entered an active experiment in which you will have no part. Therefore, it is of no significance to you whatsoever. Forget you saw this, this is my journal, this is my note to myself. Good night."
- Stevie LaFerriere as of 2:10 AM EST, March 18, 2012 AD

Welp, that was weird. Just thought I'd try a little experiment last night and see if I could really tell how finite my plans were, and I was half right. This journal could more accurately be called, ''Homework and... Waiting." No worries, though, it might be my fault or my computer's. The messages' swirly never stopped swirling, my laptop's camera never camera'd up, and my video calls never went on through. I got quite a bit of homework done too, just waiting. Then I read some nice stuff  in and about the Bible.

Something I didn't read but feel would be a proper conclusion to this trial would be Matthew 6:34
"Therefore, don't worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I watched some a couple of fun wind-down videos to loosen me up from homework and came across Mem Kennedy, who's not a bad actress even though she's never really gotten off of YouTube and her own website.  She's an Aussie but pulls of a perfect American accent. Pretty fun to watch, too. Usually totally uninhibited and just a free spirit. Is almost always really happy too, that's a plus. She's in kinda more girly stuff, but whatever, a lot of it still made me laugh.

She does a vlog under a pseudonym which shows that it might not be too bad to do videos either. She hit her hundredth a while ago, apparently.

Anyway, my day was not exhilarating by any means. Church with pancakes and syrup that was literally tapped in the churchyard, a bit about Noah and the Nephilim (which are pretty interesting), a sermon about stewardship, a talk about the youth group's future I sat in on that maybe I shouldn't have, I got a key to the car, I went and worked at the library for a while, I came home and chilled for a while, then worked for a LONG time, then winded down, read my Bible stuff, journaled, and thought about crashing.

Night night.

The White Stripe

You gotta love Jack White.

He passed up going to seminary because he couldn't live without his amplifier.

"He played drums.. well I guess I'll play guitar then" was how he started guitar.

His first real job was as an upholstery apprentice.

"Robbed blind, looked around, and there was nobody else! Left alone I hit myself with a stone, and learned how to clean up after myself!" - Icky Thump

Then there's a few things you learn from him.

You don't gotta be a gentleman to have class.

Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground is a good enough name to make record sales.

Rock and Roll is still the best medicine in the 21st century.

Then there's a couple everyone just loves to hate.

He had a shaman re-marry him to a British model in a canoe while floating down the Amazon River.

He beat out Orlando Bloom and Kate Winslet in a list of Britain's best entertainers of the year 2006.

I suppose he's what you would call a daredevil and an eccentric. Highlight this if you want to read a bit about what I hold a daredevil to be in contrast to a rationalist. (Don't ask me why you have to highlight it, you just do whenever I copy and paste from my VHS writings.)

"Say you are facing what seems to be an impossible obstacle because everyone else you know has fallen just short of the required mark. Statistically speaking, the most rational conclusion is to assume that since zero of the attempts have succeeded, you yourself have a quite low probability of completing the assignment. This kind of reason can be greatly influential, as it will discourage you from attempting what appears to be beyond your reach and ultimately protect you from failure altogether. You cannot go wrong if you forever listen to reason. For this reason, rationalism seems to be both the most appealing and attractive of philosophies to life. 'Many a man never fails because he never tries.' - Norman Macewan. Rationalists get A's. Rationalists have perfect records. Rationalists educate themselves, get good jobs, and pay for the education of their posterity. Rationalists typically live productively and die content. Forget the impossible and live your life grounded, you'll never crash. Be a rationalist, avoid religion and avoid emotion, and you'll live the majestic life. You will be respected, you will be well-known, you will be popular, and you will be able to enjoy the trivialities life presents. Don't take risks, be happy.

"Of course that circle can't be a circle, because I'm seeing it. No true circles exist in this tangible world, nor any true lines; they only exist in the intelligible world. There is a strong possibility I am not sitting here in this class at this very moment. Suppose all were an illusion and I had no body at all, therefore I could not be sitting here in this chair. Suppose my sense of self was a deceptive illusion, then I could not exist. Suppose this class were merely a figment of my imagination or a portion of one of my dreams, none of this would be really happening. There are no definites, yet all is bound by rational law. There are no knowledgeable laws, but there is definite reason. Definition only exists in absolute reason and law, forget me."

- The Rationalist

"Only listen to reason when it is absolutely necessary to do so, otherwise, it's merely getting in the way. If you commit each of your actions to solid rationale, you will be greatly constricted in many of the things that you would normally give your best go at. Never tell me the odds, let me give my best go at it so I can at least go home satisfied. Let me live up my life, so that when I die, I know I've done all that I possibly could have. To know that I wouldn't give up when the world said I was crazy, to know that every challenge that presented itself to me I did all I could to overcome it, and most of the time I did. I was a man of righteous action and a man of enlightened truth. I may not have lived the picture perfect life, but I kept my priorities organized and honestly did all I could. I kept my schooling far from my education and always actively learned. Sometimes my reasons were foggy, but I took advantage of everything that came my way. Every risk became an adventure for me. I devoted myself to my God before those even I cared about, those that opposed this devotion have received their justice. My life in this world wasn't a pleasure cruise; therefore, it was an exhilarating one. I had my own respect before myself, before my family, and before the one true God. I sprung up from every  crash and burn. I was a daredevil and a steamroller that refused to give up. My life made and broke hearts, if you take a look you'll realize it was an emotional rollercoaster. I was one highly unstable and explosive piece of work, coming near me was dangerous, we were happy.

"Ask me again, is that circle a circle? I don't really care, many would tell me it is not simply because it doesn't follow the rules. Neither did I, does that make me less of a man? I lived my life in the world that mattered, the tangible one, the rest of it was just fluff for those who had the time to give it their thoughts. If I feel like I'm sitting here in this chair, I'm going to sit in this chair taking this class as well as I possibly can. If all I know is a deception, I'll still make it a golden opportunity to be the best I can be. If what I percieve as my body is not a body, does it really matter? I've used it for some pretty great things in the service of my Lord, I'll give it that much. If this has all been a dream, it's been one hell of a ride. If there are no definites, who needs a rational law? If there can be no true knowledge, what's the point of reasoning that out? Definition exists in what I by faith know to be true and what my Creator has told me it is. As long as I know the man who died and rose for me reigns supreme and we have both been empowered by the one true God, nothing else eternally matters. The world will never forget that. The world will never forget me."

- The Daredevil

Who are you? Are you a man of science or a man of faith? Who do you serve? Do you serve your spontaneous and ever-changing self or do you serve the eternal and lasting Creator and Savior? Where do you find your strength and your wisdom? Do you rely upon your own experience and understanding, or do you rely upon what has been granted to you and the ways in which you have used it? Make your choice carefully. Rene Descartes or Kick Buttowski?

The latter, the one Jesus chose, sounds much more fun to me.

The question for this assignment was "How much of a rationalist are you?"

With the largely Bostonian or other intellectually-oriented classmates of mine, "I'm a total rationalist!" was the common response. That was interesting, because I think just about everything an intellectual writes is interesting. Valid or exciting? Not always. Fascinating? Never disappoints.

So, this kind of all goes hand in hand with the idea that if you stand out of your company, you've got a shot at what's known as history. Your crowd's really just a background to your life. The Transcedentalists put a lot of effort and time into this, "marching to the beat of their own drum." Step out of what's normally your company, and you'll be in better company. Individualists are a good company. Being a hipster is a lot of fun.

I had thought of starting my journal this way, "The most important thing I've learned about Jesus is that Jesus wasn't always no gentleman." That's the truth, he wasn't always a pacifist (temple scene was pretty harcore) and he sometimes was a sarcastic, teasing, joker. The guy loved to play verbal ball almost as much as he loved to philosophize. Never forget that his first miracle was to get the party on. Considering the company he put himself in, I can almost guarantee you Jesus would have joined a fraternity and led his ministry there. He would befriend fratboys and pimps and gangsters before he hung with youth pastors and ministers of apologetics. Jack White could have been his "disciple that loved Jesus." Jack was born a John anyway.

You know who is always a gentleman? Satan and the demons. If they presented themselves as assholes nobody would join up or buy into sin. They're like perfect salesmen, they make what they're selling look so good and so awesome when maybe it's just like those lesser products Billy Mays always got so worked up over. It wouldn't work if they didn't politely present it and make it look nice. It just wouldn't.

Now God's Words is a little less full of bull.. actually, a lot more. There is absolutely zero bull in the Bible, once you forget about that Leviticus mumbo jumbo (because it's actually pretty interesting if you read it right.. and pray that God will help it make sense to you, which is a miracle, of course). God gives it like it is, with the good, the bad, and the ugly, because he loves us enough to not have to lie. 

"Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something." 

- Buttercup's Man

You know, now that we've got The Dread Pirate Roberts himself into the mix, I feel like we should define what this gentleman nature is that we've been talking about. This really isn't that simple.

If you use Google Chrome, like you should, because nothing else cuts it, and it's free, and it's the only browser that Google lets run Docs right, you'll find when you type define:gentleman into the search bar you get two definitions. And if you've learned one thing about me and the way I use words, it's usually that second one I go for. Jesus was certainly "A chivalrous, courteous, [and] honorable man" but he was not a "man of good social position." He was tried and killed for blaspheme by a Roman court influenced by the Pharisees and the local crowds. He was positioned as a criminal and executed likewise. We don't love Louis XVI of France. He wasn't that gentleman that you hate in Pip before he realizes how much he's been screwing Joe over for all his kindness. He wasn't that gentleman that you see in British movies that is "too propah for the likes of you." Not at all. He was that gentleman that you see in the Dread Pirate Roberts. He was that gentleman that you love in Jack Bauer. He was that gentleman that you would want your sons to become.

Jesus was the John 2 gentleman:

"Jesus performed this first sign in Cana of Galilee. He displayed His glory, and his disciples believed in Him."

And that wasn't just because of the wine.

"After making a whip out of cords, He drove everyone out of the temple complex with their sheep and oxen. He also poured out money changers' coins and overturned the tables. He told those who were selling doves, "Get these things out of here! Stop turning My Father's house into a marketplace!"

If you can think of what the temple must have been like in the capital of the Jewish world, Jerusalem, it would have been crowded. There were people there who believed they had their eternal sanctity at sake, so they were probably pretty determined to be there. Not to mention many of them had come from far away to atone for their sins via the doves (which seems a lot like the Catholic church's indulgences, am I right?) and had committed a lot of time and effort into this attempt at earning forgiveness. So, a ton of people, a considerably secure place, people who definitely don't wanna leave, and you've got a phone and need to call one man to clear out this place and put an end to this madness.

Who do you call?

Jack Bauer?

Rambo?

Chuck Norris?

How about Jesus?

That's our gentleman hero.

That's our God.

Jesus is our God.

Jesus is our Lord!

You gotta love Jesus Christ.

The Body Of Christ

There was an awesome concert that I went to tonight and it was called (I don't know actually...) anyway, Casting Crowns, Matthew West, and Royal Tailor (I think) and some other smaller band were there. It was really good and I had fun. The end.

[Note: this is about how I wrote in the second grade.]

Check out 1 Corinthians 12 for some good reading about who we are, Casting Crowns talks about them in their song, "If We Are The Body" which they sung tonight and everybody loved.

Now good night and I love you, hug and pray, good night,
- Stevie LaFerriere, Second Grader

Midnight Oh Four

A little too late to start writing.. so we'll keep this quick -- short and sweet.

"You reveal the path of life to me, in Your presence is abundant joy; in Your right hand are eternal pleasures."
Psalm 16:11

Dessert for thought.

Sickness: It's Thought Before Action

No kidding, right? Life doesn't get super exciting when all of a sudden you've gotta take it easy. You kinda just sit and coast through the day, coping with a nose that threatens to overflow with every passing moment and every thing that hurts normally hurts a little bit more. A forty-seven on an old chemistry test irritates me beyond belief, I haven't ever really done this bad in a course. I just really hope to pass and get the hell out.

I figure I've filled you in with the symptoms, they don't really matter anyway. My throat's still burning, thought you might like to know.

I've been trying to spend more time home with my family recently because I've been spending a lot of time thinking about priorities and making my life favorable to God before it's favorable to society, friends, and even family. When you're a teenager, the world wants to tell you that everything in your life will eventually bubble down to your high school report cards, what college you get into, and how your resume looks. There's a lot of great things you learn in school, but most of them aren't taught and what is taught is really only the weights to the exercise. You can either go to school to learn about molecular formulas you never plan to look at again or to exercise your mind as a whole, get a solid mental workout, and progress your general learning. Life is more than your numbers, honestly.

Now, the best thing to do in school is to learn maximally. Don't think that just because they're not the most important thing that you should disregard them at all. While you're learning in school and have no opportunities to work on anything more important, dedicate your all to that. "Be here now," remember? Get as good of grades as you can pull off before they become a distraction, then move on to the next thing. As long as you maintain perspective, doing well in school is a great thing. Many pursue that five-point religiously, though, which is ultimately going to be a big waste of time if it sacrificed other, more important things. In the future, I would much rather my kids become great men or women of God than nuclear physicists, doctors, or lawyers. When we all die, it's not our payrolls that we look back on and wish we made higher. I'd rather not make that realization too late.

Family matters more than school. School matters more than sports. Worship matters more than family by itself. These are the kinds of things that decisions should be made upon. Priorities give you a solid, they shouldn't move around or be compromised too often.

So this is what happens when you're left with a sick Stevie. He thinks a lot and does a little.

"Be careful that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deceit based on human tradition, based on the elemental forces of the world, and not based on Christ. For in Him the entire fullness of God's nature dwells bodily, and you have been filled by Him, who is the head over every ruler and authority."
Colossians 2:8-10

This is a little to the side, but I'd really appreciate some prayer for this. I've been spending a lot of time online in my Virtual High School course on Philosophy and a combination of a lot of Christian and non-Christian ideas are constantly presented. The content is of a subject matter that exposes those with intricate relationships with God pretty quickly; for those of us that are this way, nearly every post almost has to connect personally to God. It's really easy to start pondering and thinking alternative ways though, whether to relate to another or to fulfill the assignment of answering likewise. I just pray that I can continue to stand solid underneath this pressure and both a brilliant light and a strong salt to those around me.

Also, at PBBK tonight there were several missionaries you can pray for. Most of the organizations I heard from were from downtown Newark, so they work mostly with taking inner-city people of all ages, setting them up on their feet, bringing them back into the working world, and connecting them with God. Several of the people that come in suffer with alcohol or drug abuse or violence.

There were also two from Campus Crusade, an organization which works with college students, giving a positive alternative to the fraternity/sorority lifestyle full of sex too early, getting wasted, and experimenting with drugs. Their organization seems to do well.

Then there were the two who stuck at most to me: a husband and a wife from a family that serves the Wolof people of Senegal. Altogether, they are comprised of 90% Sunni Muslims, 6%  Animists, and 2% Christians. They also combine Islam and Animism to meet people on two levels: Islam for eternal matters and Animism (basically witch doctor stuff) for their daily affairs. These people have been in the region three years, can speak the Wolof language, and mainly focus on boosting whatever traces of Christianity they can find.

Hearing the story of these missionaries from Senegal gave me an idea that I hope to implement sometime later in my life. I love to serve people and I love to learn languages, so if I ever get an opportunity to go to some region to bring truth, spread the gospel, and eliminate widespread lies regarding eternity, I would love to do related missionary work. It doesn't have to be in Africa, either. I could spend time in China working underground. I could spend time in Pakistan being bold and exposed. I could go almost anywhere, anywhere I'm called, and would love that kind of opportunity. You can cover that as well.

Sick

I don't feel very good (sweat, fever, the like).. but I was a powerhouse and got my work done.
Good night!
Matthew 11:28
"Come to me all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Rough

I woke up this morning pretty lethargic and didn't make it to school. I felt really overwhelmed and depressed too, but I can't muster the gut to ever bring out tears. I don't really know why. I was able to go to counseling for the first time, so this might start help fixing things. I don't know. It's nice to know that eventually everything that's bad will simply go away, and I'll be able to rejoice in the Lord forever.

For now, though, I've gotta be the best I can.
"Do not despise the Lord's instruction, my son, and do not loathe His discipline; for the Lord disciplines the one he loves, just as a father, the son he delights in."
Proverbs 3:11-12

Optimistic Disappointment

What you read above has been a recurring theme in my life for the last two days.. and it's basically just dealing with the rough stuff life tosses you in a positive way. I know I've probably disappointed a few of you guys, I know at least one haha, whether or not she is serious is a different matter entirely, but fact is that I've missed two consecutive days of posting to this journal. The other side of the coin, el otro lado de la moneda, is that this not a bad thing. Basically it means that out of this entire year, the last two nights have been the two where I've been active enough not to be able to access a computer at night. Sorry to let you guys down, but it was actually a welcomed hiatus, for me, at least. This is my journal, remember? The veracity to that is dropping all the time, although I think I've still got some pretty good content caught up in here for the historians, diluted as it may be with garbage.

The thirty hour famine was great. The disappointment was that out of all the fliers we handed out on Saturday, we still haven't got a donation from them. That's hard to be optimistic about, but we did raise a few hundred dollars as of right now. You guys put pretty close to $400 into my account once the rest of the cash comes in, I think it's officially at $378 right now. $541 for the group of eight. We haven't counted everyone in yet.

I have to admit that as much of a blessing this is, I'm still not entirely satisfied and want to let you guys know that the donation page isn't closed yet.

I got really frustrated tonight when all the information I carefully detailed out for everybody on the new subdivision of this Cover the Night community project I'm doing crashed. It took quite a while and when the work went away like that, it's reminding me right now of that quote to not store treasures up for ourselves on earth, where it's so easily lost, but rather up in heaven, where it lasts forever. What's important to realize is that if we confess with our mouths that Jesus is Lord, and believe in our hearts that God rose him from the grave, that the rest of our life relatively does not matter at all. That is the most important thing in the world and it blows everything else out, and I mean everything, clear out of the water. I can totally fail with this community project as dramatic as it might seem, Kony might escape, and thousands more might needlessly suffer, but there will still come an end to the sufferings of this world and God will reign forever and benevolently. Those who are Christians among them will not reach their ends when slaughtered or in their lonely deaths, and as heartbreakingly tragic as they might be, there is still a hope for them. Those who have been saved will go to Heaven and live eternally in a paradise better than anything we have ever experienced, all the time.

Here are the references to the verses (I'm currently in search of a better word than verses, because when you use verses to refer to portions of the Bible you sound like a preachy English Major.. but quotes doesn't work, it sounds too commonplace and dumb.. references would get old after saying it, and it sounds like Sunday School or Sunday Morning old people sermons)

Matthew 6:19-20
"Don't collect for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But collect for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys,and where thieves don't break in and steal."

Romans 10:9
"If you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."

By the way, did you guys know what I get to do this summer? I love the verses by the way, don't think I'm trying to disregard or forget about them, they're awesome, but this is pretty great too, just a little more pressing even though less important.. don't forget that line between urgency and importance haha.

I get to go to China to be my Uncle Will's best man in his wedding, which means I get to learn a little Chinese for his toast, which I just asked Dan Folta to help me prepare. That'll be sweet if he can help me pull it off, I'm really excited.

I believe I've hit the requirements and am back on track..

I Feel Like Scum

I don't know why.

Things are going well with our part in the Kony campaign and the famine is tomorrow, but I kind of just wasted away in the solitude of my room tonight.

I don't feel very good and I really hope I'm not Hezekiah:

"I chirp like a swallow or a crane; I moan like a dove. My eyes grow weak looking upward. Lord, I am oppressed; support me. What can I say? He has spoken to me, and He himself has done it. I walk along slowly all years because of the bitterness of my soul."
Isaiah 38:14-15

What's happening to me?

Enough Said

KONY 2012:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc

Occupy Main Street:
http://www.facebook.com/events/348043741901254/

"And the King will answer them, 'I assure you: Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."
Matthew 25:40

Enough said.

A Bit Offbeat

I'm doing my reading for the night and found a story of awesome forgiveness that you really don't hear too much about in Sunday School.. probably because it has to do with imminent adultery. The story is found in Genesis 20 if you want to read it for yourself, but it's basically the story of Abimelech, Abraham, and Sarah. Sarah wasn't a great woman, she mistreated her slave Hagar, mother of Ishmael. She was probably what you would call a cranky old woman but one thing she did well was to remain loyal to her husband. This is why she went along with a half-lie (she really was, in a sense, what she claimed to be) that would have led her to commit adultery.

She introduced herself as the sister of Abraham rather than as his wife so that Abraham Gerar would not be put to death because of her. It's unclear what would make him think her status as his wife would lead her to death (maybe she was just a really bad person?) but it seemed to have something to do with Abraham's fear of the Lord, which he just didn't see around him at all in this place. 

Ironically, it was Abimelech who was approached with a death threat. This woman he had just married but had not yet touched, he believed, was simply how she was presented to him. He assumed she was unmarried after he must have found her traveling with her half-brother Abraham. This must have been scary though, imagine just laying in bed one night and then waking up to God telling you you're about to die and that your new wife was already married. He plead innocent (a daring move, to seemingly defy God's prophecy like that) and was rewarded for it. God said that if he returned Sarah that all would be a-okay because Abraham would toss up a few lifesaving prayers for him. If not, he would surely die.

That's the way you don't really think about God striking fearful respect into people. Death threats paired with mercy and grace, it's pretty nice. Ominous warnings always work wonders.

Then Abimelech returned Sarah with a ton of livestock as a gift on the side, maybe as a sorry-for-almost-stealing-your-wife-even-though-it-really-would-have-been-mostly-your-fault-anyway card? He also allowed him to settle wherever he wanted in Gerar, for good measure. Oh yeah, and then he told Sarah he was also going to give her half-brother a thousand silver pieces, which is a lot of money now and was probably a whole lot more back then.

Then God also tossed in an additional prize for Abimelech's faithful obedience, the healing of his wife and slave girls' wombs, which he had closed earlier on account of the taking of Sarah. Closing wombs, whether that means they couldn't have sex or urinate any more or just couldn't have babies.. I'm not really sure. Both must have been torture, but as a guy I guess I can really only understand the former.

So that's a full bible story.

I'll get back to reading now.

You know it's kind of funny how many parallels run between Ishmael of the Islam Nation and Isaac of the Jewish Nation. Both were conceived under extraneous circumstances to Abraham, one to Hagar the Slave and one to Sarah her Master. They both almost died growing up, Ishmael of dehydration and Isaac of sacrifice. God came to the rescue BOTH times, once to save the Islamic people and once to save the Jewish people. Very interesting. 

Just crossed over to Timeline too.. I used that life picture I drew for the cover, hopefully it stays there for a while.

Okay, I really want to explain the story behind it.. it's really close to a perfect model of what I want my life to look like. I figure someone would have asked but no one did haha.. here we go:

The day I got back from Oregon was Friday, March the Second. The trip was full of lots of great times seeing family and friends of the past and present, but also comprised of lots of planning and looking into the present and future. Being back around what I grew up with as the closest thing I've ever had to a long term home sparked some nostalgic and optimistic feelings in me. A morning talk with Bobby got me thinking about planning out my life, as well as to reorganize my priorities to treasure higher that which matters. Certain balls, when dropped, will break. Certain balls, when dropped, will bounce. This kind of imagery was pretty nice, and definitely a solid connection to what's been going on in my home life.

Furthermore, there were a few long discussions with family members regarding the happenings of the present and preparations and ideas for the future. Discussions in my grandpa's living room like so many before took on a whole new meaning over the course of this trip. I realized how my role in it could soon be reversed and passed on a generation, that soon I might have to share some of the wisdom and insight my grandpa has so faithfully imparted upon me throughout the years and continues today. I am so thankful and so glad that my ear has always been open to him, his words have truly helped shape my life. And my relationship with God. I love him so much. Them both.

It's incredible really, but it brings me to the present. On the day of my birthday I got another idea which I still esteem pretty highly, and it's really cool that I got it on my birthday, I think. I would love to be a firefighter, because it has everything I love about the military and nothing that I dislike. Great hours, great benefits, great salary, and all of that matters little when it means I'll have a chance to carry out a duty of servitude and protection. To be a part of something larger. To put my life on the line and run through a burning building to save another. "No one has greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13. With the names for the martyrs, Stephen and Peter, I have much to live up for and a personality to match. Firefighting sounds like an incredible occupation, as long as I don't get stuck just driving an ambulance around. My dad can usually put a damper on things like this, even when he doesn't really know a ton about what he's talking about. 

I thought about doing another job simultaneously, however, to complement the one and address the final side to my mindbodyspirit. I want to spend time as a youth pastor. I think it'd be great to be involved in a successful church's youth ministry, I'd love to be able to pass down the knowledge which has been bestowed upon me by God to raise up others in my stead. I want to make the difference that was made in my life by Velocity.

That'd really me a nice pairing of occupation for me, I think. I love the idea so far and haven't countered any major qualms as of yet.

Now, this finally brings me to the point I've been trying to make. The symbolism of the finger-painting.

The day I got back from Oregon was Friday, March the Second. It had been a somewhat painstaking, disgusting, and miserable day until I left for youth group. I watched Contagion twice on the flight home, once with sleep interludes and once straight through. I woke up at 5:45 and left the house shortly after, three days showerless and without contacts. It was pretty bad. 

Going through the airport wasn't much fun either. It's a painfully slow exit you take when you depart Newark Airport. You walk through what must be thousands of people per hallway and you eventually get to wait outside in frigid weather to the sound of brothers fighting and taxis honking. You get to wait and try the impossible task of finding your ride in the sea of cars. It's not fun either.

Heading home wasn't a blast with Wesley's loud and crazy noises complemented by Jared and Cade's strange duet. I was caught in the middle row and was exhausted, dirty, a bit annoyed, and mostly just trying to think. The effects of the trip were still upon me and I was re-entering my contemporary world. The rest had been a pause, a look through the credits, a sneak peek of multiple endings, and a resting period or refuge from some of life's more hectic areas. It was beautiful and it was over. The world was waiting.

We step in the door and not ten seconds go by before Wesley and Cade are furious at each other for something. Welcome back, home life!

I got cleaned up minus brushed teeth and just waited.

And thought about youth group.

And thought I could use a little light in my day.

So I went and it was great to see everybody again. These were now the estranged friends now reunited. It was a nice break, even if the jet lag did cause me to do some mysterious and inexplicable things. The birthday cake was good though, and the dominoes arranged "HAPPY BIRTDAY!" on the floor for shortage of tiles. It was quaint and it was crazy and it was fun and it was great. I love this place too, but in an admittedly different way. I wish Sarah could have stuck around longer, but she wasn't feeling too good.

Cake shrunk, games played, worship workout rose, and prayer time commenced. Ryan's prayer stations are one of the highlights of his ministry. He does them really well and obviously has the heart to do them right. Or at least set them up to go the way they should.

I kind of did what I felt was necessary with the materials at hand. I don't think it is absolutely the most advantageous to go through the stations the same way as everybody else, because you're either going to end up running through the motions of a step-by-step guide to talking to God or you're going to miss out on something along the way. Everything was meaningful that night, from the flaming candle I realized was much like my life (even in the way it spilled hot wax on my most comfortable pair of jeans) to the breaking of an egg that represented my broken actions as I chucked it into a kiddie pool. However, the most meaningful thing by far, if I still have the energy to document it, was the drawing you'll now see as the cover to my timeline.

We're there yet.

I walked over to the paper with my goal set in mind. I was going to put on this paper exactly what God told me to. I followed every impulse of my spirit and the story goes a bit like this:

I started off with realizing this was going to be a lot more personal, a lot more fun, and a lot more dirty if I did it with my hands. This was to be my life and my goal, I realized. This was to be the answer to my prayer.

It all starts off with myself: the red thumbprint (identity connection, anyone?) towards the middle of the sheet on the wall. When you look at this now, it doesn't look much like a thumbprint because it's not. 

The first thing I thought of was my future wife, with whom I want to be a perfect union, one flesh, and with whom my posterity will be created. She was yellow, simply because that was the closest other color tub by me. She started out to my lower left, for some reason, but then I figured it was both unappealing artistically and symbolically dead. I swirled her into me and myself into her. We would no longer be red and yellow, together, we became orange.

The next thing I drew, I believe, was what any Sunday School pupil would loudly exclaim should have come first. The circled cross to our left. I chose brown for the color of the wood. I circled it and painted it boldly because that's how I want it to be. The focus and bull's eye of my life. The two-way arrow between us represents our eternal connection to one another. The Holy Spirit shall forever be in me and forever shall I follow Jesus step by step.

You see below my wife and I a red line. This means that my relationship shall stay personally one-one-one between her and I and God and I although there will come pressures from the raising of our children.

Through this red line, however, strikes an infinite ray. I want to carry on the good which has been bestowed upon me and the good which I have laboriously acquired unto my posterity, along with my faith and my love. You'll observe that this is orange too, however, and you already know what that means.

Below the orange arrow lies three dots, representing our continued posterity. The "..." is for continuing; its location is for posterity. Am I making any sense?

Together they share the arrow on top of them, but there are also near invisibly painted arrows below each of the dots. Maybe it turned out this way on purpose, because it would make sense with this portion of the analogy. Each member of my future wife and I's posterity, I hope, shall be unified in a common spirit and faith in Christ Jesus ( the top arrow ) as much as they shall have their own personal relationships with Him (the nearly invisible lines.)

You'll notice the end of a flame drifting down out of the top right, which is part of a much larger fire than the one you see here cropped to fit the cover photo job. This represents two things, the first of which is personal and wishful while the other is secondary and obligatory. The first is a haphazard reference to my desire to fight fires one day. The second is my serious desire to want to continue to fuel the fire in which I participate, that of my beliefs, what I have stood up for, and what my lineage and that of my future wife have already accomplished that also must be carried on through my children. Unintentionally, you'll see this line drift down to a point that almost touches my finger. I'm scared that this might be ominously prophetic, and am feeling quite strongly that it might very well be.

Could it be just out of reach? Does it mean that I have to push just a little bit harder? I don't know, but it's important for me to document that this hand was wholeheartedly dedicated to the representation of my life and legacy. It is both my most personal signature and my most useful tool. I pushed hard to put it there, literally, and if the rest of the drawing should fade with the passing of years, this might quite well remain historically.

Welp, that's it! Life's good!

Off to finish my reading now..

Sleep is Tough

Missing a week of school is awesome until you go back to school.. because that's when the work begins and you don't get to try and sleep until one'o'clock AM.

This morning was nice because we got up quite a bit earlier, relaxed more, and got to school with time to spare. I'm tired though. We started track today and I just tossed a discus around as I froze my ass off even though I don't really get cold, but it makes my skin all dry and uncomfortable to touch. I lifted too. I want to do pole-vault, because think about it, when else do you get that kind of opportunity in life? I would say just about never. Pole vault in high school and live the rest of your life saying you've done it. Sounds like an accomplishment to me, and a lot of fun for now.

I did my reading faithfully even though I'm exhausted beyond belief. 

Here's a nice verse or two or three to think about:

"What is man that you remember him; the son of man that you look after him? You made him little less than God and crowned him with glory and honor. You put everything under his feet."

Psalm 8:4-6

This is a powerful testimony of one of God's greatest works of grace, bestowing "glory and honor" upon man. We're pretty significant beings when you think about it, but we're finite beings beneath an infinite God. Yet he crowns us. I just think that's pretty remarkable and it puts a kind of inexpressible joy in my heart just to talk about it. I hope it does the same for you guys who read it, because I've really got to get whatever sleep I can snag. Good night to the populace.

I Should Sleep More

After an impressively smooth school morning with the Burks, at first I was astounded. They had time to sit around and talk, at least that morning. They could actually eat pretty solid breakfast too. They were also able to sit down before they got in the car or walked off to the bus stop. I don't know if we've ever had a morning so smooth, but that might be in part that we take our guy-business seriously and usually don't give ourselves more than fifteen to twenty minutes to take off. I got to thinking and eventually supposed that more sleep might be part of the cure, for me at least. On the average school night, I get between four and five hours of sleep. I probably need twice that. We'll see if tonight's seven to eight makes a difference.

That means I've got about ten minutes to post.. weeknight journal entries might get a little shorter from here on out.

A few basic thoughts:

- I may have been off a little with my post a while back about putting good works on a pedestal, or at least slightly off in qualification. It's important that we are "careful to not practice... righteousness in front of others to be seen by them." The middle line has to be drawn carefully and lies primarily in motive. Know you are a light unto the world, behave accordingly, and constantly act with integrity. Don't be a showoff of yourself, because on your own, you're really nothing. If there's something God wants people to see in you, they'll see it.

- Getting into a top college, despite hype, isn't all that important if you want a normal career. Your career doesn't have to be the center of your life, it's typically just your most time-consuming avocation. I want my worship to be my foremost vocation, with my family coming shortly after.

- "Don't be like [those who babble on in their prayers.. namely idolaters], because your Father knows the things you need before you ask him."

Matthew 6:8

A Few Amends

High school is not all it's cracked up to be in terms of importance. You get your grades, if you're Ivy-bound, good for you -- if you're not, I'm tempted to say that's even better. It's pretty easy to get caught up in the educational system, but when you put life in its perspective, it's really not the number one thing it tries to tell you it is. Good grades are good for life, but shouldn't we worshiped. Academic achievement really shouldn't become a religion, or distraction thereof from what really matters. There's been a couple of times when it's become most everything for me, but that's really not the way it should be. I want to lay out my priorities straight.

I practice a different set of priorities than I idealize.. as does most everybody, I reckon. I would go as far as to say that this constant rearrangement and calibration is one of life's finest challenges.

For me, the worship of my Creator and Curator must always come first. 

Secondly and more selfishly, I also work to adjust, refine, and improve my character, spirit, and attitude closer to that of Christ.

Next comes the push to be the best member I can be for my family.

Following family comes friends, for whom I wish to be the best I can be as well.

Then come the typical: education at fifth and fitness at sixth.

That's idealized, my time and efforts have been spent somewhat differently. That's called being out of focus.

I'm getting there, but should probably still shift a few things around mentally before heading back into school.

Today was my recuperation period from the trip.. mostly just slept and relaxed. Things pick up tomorrow.

Tonight's verse that stuck out was (I'm two percent through the Bible by the way) pretty unrelated to what I've been saying but mostly just a new definition of honesty:

"Again you have heard that it was said to our ancestors, You must not break your oath, but you must keep your oaths to the Lord. But I tell you, don't take on oath at all... But let your word 'yes' be 'yes,' and your 'no' be 'no.' Anything more than this is from the evil one."

Matthew 5: 33-34; 37

[I think that's pretty cool that Jesus says "our ancestors," one can easily forget he was a Jew as much as the rest off them]

Yes. No. Leave it at that. Wouldn't that make the world simpler?

Sure would save you a lot of time.

 

No Mistake About It

Sometimes it's the simplest and most spontaneous of expression which means the most.. not always the most elaborate. I can be a writer and construct a magnificent paper of thousands of beautiful words, but really, what does it matter if the idea is not clearly presented? Most is fluff and fun to put out and fun to read, but if I were to painstakingly widdle away at anything I've ever written, I bet you I could bring them all down to one or two important sentences. That's it. The rest is just my favorite way to waste your time.

Tonight was a good night after a rough morning; I don't like waking up at 5:45. Jet lag takes over and the rest of the day is kind of a blur, but sometimes it's in that weakness that inhibitions are lost and yourself is revealed. There's a liberty in exhaustion that's pretty nice really. You can say the stupidest things around people and forget about the consequences. They'll just credit it to your tiredness and general daze. Maybe that's what every day does to me eventually.

I got to the Sermon on the Mount tonight.. that's pretty solid material.

I originally thought I'd put something up about the Beatitudes.. but pastors love to preach about them because they're a gold mine and I thought some of the rest might get disregarded a little too quickly. If I ever become a  ministry leader of some sort, I think I'd love to do several weeks on the Sermon on the Mount alone.. maybe even the Beatitudes alone.

I feel like the Church has been misplacing humility with modesty. My grandpa reminded me this week that "humility is not thinking less of yourself; it's just thinking of yourself less." It's not a confidence drainer, it's not an ego-shatterer; in fact, I'd reckon it's one of the most honorable and positively self-promoting activities a man can do for himself. A lot of the time, we feel that we should conceal our good works. That we should shield our quality from others in fear of making them feel less of themselves. Such thought is both an insult and a disregard to the advantageous aspects of man's competitive nature. Such thought is counter-productive at root.

However, what I'm saying has to be taken carefully. Hypocrisy obsoletes what has been done before it, which often includes the aforesaid suggestion. Prayer should not be done publicly and lengthily for the sake of attention, because when you think about what prayer really is, isn't it typically just a one-on-one conversation with God? When you make a personal phone call, do you put it on speakerphone in front of a mike to show off your conversational ability? Most likely not.. if you do, hit me up and let me come take notes. You'll help my oratory.

What I'm working towards is the suggestion of displaying the work that God has invested in our lives.. to be proud lamps into the world that deserve pedestals. There's hardly such thing as an invisible example; people follow what they see. I believe wholeheartedly that this was what Jesus was touching upon with his illustration of the light:

"You are the light of the world -- like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly father."
Matthew 5:14-16

Another common drain from Christian audacity is rebuked immediately before this passage. Look up what salty (in the sense of personality) means real fast in the dictionary. Fine, I did it for you. According to the Google Dictionary, both the second and third definitions pertain to character, language, or humor. The first refers to food.

2) "Down to earth; coarse."
or 3) "Tough, aggressive"

Do you think of Christians that way or do you think of them as goody-goody-two-shoes pacifists? Many do.

Jesus himself used this same sense to discuss our use in the world. Our impact is best promoted by a spicy personality than by a bland and peaceable example.. we're supposed to be almost more like pirates:

"You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It wil be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless."
Matthew 5:13

In other words, be more like the Grigsbies. They've got this act pretty down pat.. magnificently crafted personalities each.

Well, those are my thoughts for tonight. Two verses.. one passage.

Good day, folks!