The Bare Necessity

"A man tormented by the guilt of murder will be a fugitive until death; let no one support him."
Proverbs 28:17

Reminds me of Legends of the Fall.. which we watched tonight.

Good Night!

Not Another Sermon

I've been thinking a little about what this journal can really be.. at its bare minimum I've committed it to something that includes a Bible verse and to follow at least ten minutes of daily Scripture reading. I've started the Bible Year, so until February 25th 2013 I will, to the best of my ability, faithfully carry out this segment of education. I'm also gaining a new appreciation for the Holman Christian Standard Bible, which was translated based upon an "optimal" translation which was designed to strike the medium between dynamic translation and literal translation.

It's nice and I enjoy it more than most of the others I've looked into.

Verse of the night might be an entire portion of what I read, which promotes the usefulness of the book of Proverbs:

"The proverbs of Solomon son of David, king of Israel:

For learning what wisdom and discipline are;

for understanding insightful sayings;

for receiving wise instruction [in] righteousness, justice, and integrity;

for teaching shrewdness to the inexperienced ["hey, that's me!" - Stevie],

knowledge and discretion to a young man [" "]

- a wise man will listen and increase his learning, and a discerning man will obtain guidance -

for understanding a proverb or a parable, the words of the wise, or their riddles."

- Proverbs 1:1-6

A run-on sentence?

Its nice to have a little mission statement before Proverbs.. kinda lets you know what you're in for, all the good at least.

So, after yesterday's formality, I don't think it's really a great idea to keep suit if I'm not feeling it, you know? So this might just play out kinda conversationally..

I gotta say, I liked today. It was nice. It was pretty relaxed. It was educational and it was solid. It had a bit of emotion in it but it wasn't really all that overwhelming. I'm tired at the end of it so I guess I'm satisfied.

Woke up in the morning to take a shower and get ready for the day.. headed to Corban University to attend Papa's back-to-back classes that survey 1 Corinthians. That was nice because it was cool to hear college kids talking like a youth group. One thing I noticed while I was there was how young college kids seem all of a sudden; even though they're technically adults, they're still very much just kids like me. 

The food was buffet style and nice and I finally learned what a Sadie Hawkins' dance was.. or relearned it after a young man from Papa's second class told me what it was. Apparently Corban's hosting one if you guys want to go and get a date.. just talk to the office.

We headed back to the house for a couple of hours of piano, talking, and whatnot while we waited for the Burks to show up. Then I patiently suffered through watching them dine on Taco Pizza from the Home Place and worked on arranging plans for tomorrow. Felt accidentally antisocial, and stuck inside the hell presented by my phone. I hate texting, but very few appreciate the speed, smoothness, and efficiency of a simple call these days. For reasons that escape my wildest imagination, even when out of school, people generally much prefer texting. Thank God for Katie Burks though.. we think a lot alike in quite a few ways, including the aforementioned.

So life's ok.. but not really at all, it's great. It's always great and it's a blessing.

Wanna know something I learned today that I kinda always knew but never fully processed? When you accept the Holy Spirit into your lifeblood, you're taking in the SAME one that Jesus acted upon at all times.  That all Christians rely upon. We are one in the spirit I've heard so many times, but that's always sounded a lot like we're one in the uniform if you know what I mean. Say we were a military that wore matching uniforms, we would be one in that look but not with the separate uniforms themselves. It's just the opposite with the spirit of Jesus that helps steer our lives.

So there's my theology for the day.

Hanging with the Burks at my grandparents' house was very.. different. It really made me start thinking how much like family they really are to me. Just makes me think.. ahead. I feel like I know good things are ahead when they're around. I love them all, but there's just something special there too. It's really cool but there are still things that make me uniquely excited. I don't really know how to express it, it's just.. inherent.

I also got to see Andrew my second cousin today, and he was really cool. I haven't seen him since I was really little apparently, about three, but upon prompt I feel a couple of memories of model rockets sprung to mind. And a gray jacket and rain in my hair and a launcher in my hand and the smell of the smoke and the sight of the rocket floating down through the sky.

It was nice to see him though and he really does seem like a genuinely great guy. He sure can keep up with conversation and his patience with the differing interests of myself, Cade, and Wesley never overwhelmed him.

Papa Steve was also great to see again. He has this really awesome huge truck. It's super powerful and looks like a monster. I would love to drive something like it someday, but I don't know if I'd ever own it.

It was especially nice to talk to him about what's going on with dad and at home. I gained a new appreciation for him tonight, despite our differences.

Grillburger

Large Reese's Blizzard

This is literally how I'm thinking right now..

a couple of unfinished fast food fries.

I'm obviously still silly and very exhausted.

Seeing Grammy Ruthie tomorrow morning.

At least Mandy and Michelle, Jordan probably, Parker maybe, and Katie unspoken later in the night.

Crashing up in Beaverton tomorrow night.

My eyes are burnt.

The Beauty of Hate

As a being of love, God correspondently hates as much as he loves.

And for some, this is the hardest aspect of Christianity to accept. Today's society believes so much in repressing hate and embracing community, in an attempt to completely eradicate it from our modern society. The truth of the matter is that love is not always tolerant and if we are to serve God to be the best of our ability, we must hate what he hates as much as we love what he loves.

Now God does not hate his creation, which is holy in his eyes, but rather, he hates what it itself has created. Its ugliness, he despises. Its corruption he abhors. The word "love" is scattered rampant throughout the Bible and much more fun to see, but if you read through Proverbs you hear much more about the ignorant fool than the blessed hero of faith. There are certain things that we would rather not see or feel, but the Bible was not designed entirely as a comfortable and easy read. It is as much a challenge as it is an encouragement. Whenever you're called for perfection, you know an easy path is not immediately ahead.

Leviticus pours it out. My grandfather drew the format to my attention above all else: be holy for God is holy. God is not silent of His hate. His holiness is set aside in quality from the rest of society, and most always has been. The days of theocracy were hardly days in service of the true God. The Dark Ages were dark not for the obedience of the Bible, but for its misinterpretation and intentional selfish distortion which led to things which were not pleasing to God.

What ignited these thoughts was the final verse for today's Bible-Year plan I've just recently started:

"The one who conceals hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool."
Proverbs 10:18

Just as I've held true to my journal, I plan to hold true to this commitment. I will do all that I can to do it. I literally HATE the laziness I'm tempted into sometimes. I literally HATE the apathy with which I sometimes suppress my life in fear of offense. We were meant to be so much more than generally congenial members of society. We are meant to stick out.. that's what holiness is all about!

We aren't to live in this state of "perpetual oblivion" either, which this morning's guest speaker at Silverton Baptist called to timely attention. We are also set apart in the manner in which we love, which is much more paired with hate than many would care to admit. Love "always protects" (1 Corinthians 13) what is loved from that which is hated. When we see injustice, are we not called to act against it? Are we not called to destroy the concepts and elements of sins which God despises?

Christianity is not everybody-play-nice-now.

It's an active and raging spiritual war against that and those in cohorts with the Devil.

General Supreme Sovereign God Almighty striking out against General Fallen and Falling Satan Deceiver.

The battle of a lifetime. The war of eternal history. The greatest crisis and impending victory known to man. The quintessential role model of an epic.

We are to hate what and not who opposes God. We are to love humanity and hate its crimes. The crime plagues its offender, and it is heartbreaking. Sin is the worst kind of disease, worse than cancer, worse than the Black Death, worse than it all and is bound to hold the highest death count. Eternal death is its rightful punishment. That's justice when you consider what we've done to deserve it.

Yet, through it all, in the ultimate and grandest case of mercy God delivered mercy with a personal sacrifice. His only begotten and perfect son.




When we go against this... we deserve Hell. We should HATE and be horrifically OFFENDED by that which we are partaking in. Disgusted in our transgression. Abhorrent of our blundering nature. And eternally grateful for our gift of immunity and promised forgiveness that we only just have to accept. Shouldn't coming to Christ be the easiest and smartest thing in the world? Then why is it so difficult and why must some so desperately cling to their dirt?

It breaks my heart while it blows my mind. I simply cannot understand it. I don't have that kind of faith in myself -- that kind you obviously need to be an utter atheist. Especially an enlightened one.. why should anyone turn this opportunity away? If someone were to open a small box on Christmas that was simply eternal life.. would it end up in the trash? Is that how we think as humans? Is that really how corrupt sin can make our minds?

It's revolting.

God HATES it.

I hate it.

Why, when this is what we're up against, is hate despised and condescended upon?

I don't know.

Life Plan

Even though this:

Comes up before

THIS

That's a bit more of what Jesus might be like.. or at least material for a pretty decent parody.

I started reading the Gospel of Mark tonight, and what stood out most

to his audience was his air of 

authority.

"They were amazed at His teaching:for He was teaching them as one having authority, and not as the scribes."

Mark 1:22

Highlight of the day:

- The Twister Kid

Today, we went to some kind of cool pizza buffet and dessert and games and Twister thing Allie just told me was Bob's (oops..) John's Incredible Pizza. Thanks Cj Steenkolk!

Well, while waiting in line, we saw this eleven year old kid stuck alone in a cart. These are usually run by four passengers, but he was small and alone and we felt bad and Cj thinks he was weak. I don't think so though. I think he was brave. And cool.. in an outstanding lone wolf kind of way. 

Well, as stout as his heart was, he was only able to complete three or four complete turns throughout the course of the ride. At this point, we felt kind of bad.. so I talked to the ladygirl running the machinery. She said it would be cool if I took him around and helped him spin well. Bobby thought the same. ("helped his weak self"  - Cj) 

So, I get to talking to him and it's a lot of fun. He turns out to be a should-be fifth grader from Ohio, but he moved recently and got held back in fourth grade. His mom was very happy that I was helping him. We spun like crazy and it was so much fun for all of me excepting the triceps.

But we both had lots of fun and it was the highlight of my day.

Now I'm going to go watch a movie. 

In The Middle of Action

"It was a murder.. so the couple were.. swingers."
Talking about a show.. that's obviously "gross, weird..." and something else. Anyway, this is the most active environment I've ever updated my journal in, but that's okay. We'll see if there's a difference.

Today was my birthday party on my mom's birthday, which made me feel low all day and in the most honest of ways. She's off on her way to Bend, however, so you shouldn't feel too bad for me. Or her. But it's usually the jerk or you-know-what-hole that you should typically feel sorry for. The victim's got enough on his or her side.

I love randomly hopping into conversation, especially when it comes off as smooth input. It's a delicate art, but you know, it can be done. Like just now. I could use a pat on the back.

At the Burks house, television conversation on my left and Connect Four on my right. I just finished catching up with my old youth leader, Ben Christensen, who is now running his own youth group all on his own. It's full of fourteen regular attendees and is home to an entirely different culture. It sounds like a really cool group, though, from what he says and it's nice to hear the stories of how they are able to open up to him. It's impressive how he can adapt to another role, by the sounds of it: successfully, but also very little surprise. An expected adaptation from a very capable man, one of the best at youth ministry I've ever known. Come to think of it, he's played a pretty pivotal spot in my growth in faith. The one who taught me that youth group could me fun, that it was as much a time to laugh and make fun of one another as it was to learn and grow as disciples. I know I would not have been close to where I'm at without the impact of his ever resounding laughs and timely jokes. A golden sense of humor paired with a beautiful mind, an excellent leader and an altogether "swaggerific" (remember?) man.

Maybe I should leave it at that.

After a quick rundown of the day:
- Woke up around 9
- Got ready, hung out with Sarah for a while, got ready, and drove up towards Beaverton
- Ate at Burgerville.. stole and made ordinary balloons birthday balloons!
- Picked up groceries and party gear
- Eventually picked up Allie from school
- Picked up Bobby from work
- Headed home
- Chilled and played baseball
- Headed towards the party.. timewise
- Partied
- Sung Dead or Alive with Bobby Burks.. now that's beyond partying
- Wasted some time on Halo
- Chilled with Ben
- Started to Journal
- Finished the journal

For The Sake of Courtesy

I have been made upon prior obligation to minimize the time created for this post. Grammy and Papa want to start 24. They want me to be there with them. I guess to cover their eyes or something, you know, that typical and normal grandson-grandparent activity. Watching TV on the most hi-tech Apple TV's and all that cool stuff those whippersnappers can operate.

Bedtime's coming up soon.

Day in a nutshell.

- Woke up around 9
- Got dressed
- Aunt Katie and Baby Audrey came over
- Went to the Oregon Garden
- Picked up Great-Grandma
- Ate three incredible meals (and yes, one of them WAS cereal)
- And watched some old pictures
- Other non-highlighted activity (ONHA)

Time to go.. good night y'all.

So Tell The World

"I'm coming home. I'm coming home. So tell the world that I'm coming."

After two hundred pages of The Diary of a West Point Cadet and six hours of claustrophobic flight and a double touchdown into PDX, I'm back in the solid ground of Oregon. I'm exhausted because it's basically my three and it was a great day throughout, but I'm here.

And it hasn't changed much. There's a little more technology than I remember at my grandparents' house, but I expected as much. They know so much more about it all than I do.. and that comparison doesn't even really hit the mark because I don't really know much at all. A ratio doesn't work if you're dividing by zero, or does it?

I also came up with seven solid reasons as to why I should graduate early and scribbled them down in the back cover of the book I was reading on the flight. I think I've got a solid case set up and I'll type it up, make it look nice, and present it as professionally as possible come the meeting to discuss my future. I'll keep you guys posted as that comes, I was initially planning on writing it tonight but I'm worn out.. like completely.

A few other accolades of the day are accomplished by the big brother side of me. Cade and I had quite a bit of fun tossing a bouncy ball back and forth down the street, hunting bugs, "discovering nature," building teeter totters out of construction bricks and wood planks, and then trying to break it all. We just played like I used to and it was a lot of fun. A window into the past.

Plus I got a few nice souvenir bumps and scratches as well. That's nice.

Windows into the past everywhere, slight changes, other things just.. not making sense.

Mallory's shut down? The stinky farm that my mom would always have me plug my nose while driving past. Every morning when I was little? The days that are gone.. and I'm already talking about graduating high school? What is this? Life?

The evergreens that stay ever green. Beautiful temperate reminders of life's unchanging elements. These have existed for millennia and most likely aren't going anywhere any time soon.

Friends and family don't change. It was great to see Spencer, Sarah, Amy, and Kimmie all at the gate waiting to pick us up from the airport. How lovely to see the faces familiar. Relaxing. Is this home still? I really don't know. Things change. Part of me strongly wants it to be. Great memories fade further and further into the past.

I'm happy though, if I'm misleading you with my nostalgic notions. My mind's just torn apart by the length of the day and it's probably best if I crash as soon as possible.

More adventures to come.

By the way, I tried to copy and paste the link to my fundraising site AGAIN but it won't work from this computer. Just thought I'd let you guys know it's also tax deductible..

Day Before the Oregon Trip

Woke up at a decent hour and chilled doing homework and whatnot until around four in the afternoon. Dad came and we went to Five Guys and the library and headed back home. I packed up Gimli's things and headed out the door with him to drop him off at the Garrells. Laundry's done. We're basically ready to go after a few minor chores tomorrow.

And the fundraising page kicked off as well! Sixty dollars in, and I've sent out an additional mass facebook message (which I felt was a necessary evil) to all family members potentially willing to help out the cause.

Link is again, below:
http://twv.convio.net/site/TR/30HourFamine/30HourFamine?px=1215125&pg=personal&fr_id=1610

Sorry if I'm boring you.. that's just how I roll some nights.

Abdominal Agony

Man, if this is the death of me.. well, I ain't disappointed. A little pissed it had to be this simple, but you know, whatever. If this is what God wants, well, I  guess me and him can duke it out in a few hours. Heavin' in the heaven -- the new rumble in the jungle? Who knows?

Anyways, my belly's on fire and if I'm writing my final journal entry tonight I'm going down with a bit of punch. A few Jack Bauer blinks have gotten me this far, I can keep going.

And you know, this almost definitely ain't as extreme as I'm making it. Why kid with you guys? Why kid with this journal? A piece of KFC and a tuna wrap that's God knows how old and how rotten it was ain't gonna kill me. Neither tasted very good, but it's giving me the heartburn of a lifetime. If that's a misdiagnosis I'm not surprised either.. Should a forensics team every study in here I might as well leave some evidence.. this post might not even be posted and they'll find it stuck on my corpse lap. That'll be a funny way to be discovered. Wonder what they'll think was on the computer. A virus?

Well, it's pretty centralized to be heartburn. Right beneath the abs that are second from the top, top for those people who don't have eight. Right in between them as well, with a line from my belly button up to my chin. And it's just a little circle that pulses up through my throat sometimes. I had a headache earlier if that's any help for you forensic physicians. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. If I'm up standing and walking around it's much worse than if I'm laying down, but I took advantage of that challenge and got a load of laundry going. And let the dog out. Doggone twice.

If poor ol' Gimli's death of me.. give the damn fool some lethal injection. Or not. Take him for a walk, actually, he'll love that. Will make him forget about that party he's been planning on throwing about my deathbed for years.. since the day we brought him home, perhaps. Death and suffering, right, Wes?

Well, there's a good story for you guys. One that should be memorialized should this be my last posting, or semi-posting, should I fail to actually "post" it. But my brother Wesley and I came up with a theory that might just explain why Gimli keeps on getting in trouble with us. It starts out pretty innocent really.

So one day, Gimli's sitting around at this dog store waiting for God knows what to happen. All he knows is that this place is crazy, it's got tons of food designed specially for dogs and treats by the truckload. And there's a terrible racket coming from the birds section. And there's these awful kids and families who keep on coming up to him and rubbing his head and whatnot. And this well endowed blonde he's with is only just so barely averting the attention with its sights on him.

Eventually, this crazy family comes up with three boys, a mom and a dad, and the biggest son is still griping about some dog at some other place. Its name was Sasha and Gimli knew he could do a better job any day, had he the will or the humor.

Anyways, this family takes him home and he decides to become this good-natured pup. He'll just behave and run like crazy as if he's been abused (to gain their pity and trust) whenever a leg is picked up around him. He'll take a while to get used to this Rupert-Gimli transition in order to show that he's only of mediocre dog intelligence.

After a while, this new character literally becomes him. He can't escape it and soon forgets his evil genius self, but it's lurking underneath. It's just waiting for the spur. He's literally become the Smeagol to his Gollum. He's just gotta get used to the rules. Who to ask to take him out, who feeds him, you know, general house rules.

There were a few he had particular trouble with.. like, you know, pissing on beds and the carpet and taking a shit wheresoever his heart should desire. This pisses his family off and he usually winds up spanked and in his bed, but that ain't so bad. Since when has been forced to take a nap been a punishment? Like when he was three? He acts like it's working so that the family buys into his whole charade, that again, he's starting to forget.

One fateful day, he tries out one of these after noticing the lack of attention when they step out the door to go on their regular walks (because, c'mon, really, what else is there to do outside?) and they usually don't come back for a couple of hours. So he figures he can get away with whatever he wants. Whether that be sleeping, seeing how much hair he can shed, or sleeping on the places he'd usually get kicked off of. Or going through the trashcans.

So he heads downstairs and to the kitchen.. he points his nose at the crack between the counter and the door to the garbage can, pushes it open, reaches inside (quite innocently) and tries out all this wondrous food the humans must have left in there, stored up for just him. He tips it over and digs in to this incredible array of smell and taste sensational delight. He feasts, his belly fulls, his tongue's happy, and his tail just can't stop wagging. His masters are so generous to leave this just sitting around, he thinks. With a cheerful smile and a now entirely forgotten evil alter ego, he devours this feast with a most grateful heart. To his heart's content in fact.. which did not come until the masters returned. He wags his tail some more and remembers that they were the ones to present this generosity. Unfortunately for him, they did not see it this way nor was it generosity that sprung this "gift." He was spanked, thrown in bed, and severely scolded.

And a dastardly gang of squirrels were watching.

Watching and waiting.

Waiting and scheming.

Scheming and planning.

Or is that just the same thing?

Now anyways, time passes, and Gimli has repentantly made amends. He is sincerely sorry for his actions. He is heartbroken that the gift is not for him, accepting, but ever hopeful that these rules will change. His innocent heart is cheerful with the other joys of life, however, and he is among the most benevolent of doggies who just love to snuggle up, wrestle, and play with his owners.. his family.

Things are great. He goes to the dog park at Hazeldale and sniffs trees while contentedly ignoring other canines. They could matter less. "Sure, let them sniff my butt, they'll figure out what it smells like soon enough. Don't expect me to try that out anyway, I enjoy the more sophisticated joys of life," he thought to himself. Yet the squirrels were still watching his every move. Watching and waiting. Waiting and scheming. Scheming and planning. Or is that just the same thing?

Now, that very day, they follow Gimli down the street, across the road, and up the hill to the family's home. They sneak inside, hide, and wait for the family to leave. "Good thing the dog's nose is so poor," the conniving squirrels silently observe. They are just itching to unleash their master plan. The family leaves.

Plan becomes action. The squirrels greet Gimli in a false friendly kind of way, and say that they're just going to check out the garbage can.

"Oh, you silly squirrels shouldn't do that," Gimli gently warns.
"Oh, this?  We do this all the time. The humans don't really mind us," the snide squirrels remark as they pack up their malevolent cheeks with discarded snacks, "it's you that they usually don't give this stuff."
"Usually?" Gimli asks with a flicker of optimistic hope.
"Well, sometimes they leave a treat for your kind. Those are the really good owners. Are your masters good owners?"
"Oh, yes! Most certainly! I love them because they are my masters and I love them and... point!"
"Well, I don't know what you're pointing at.. but I think you're right. And just in time, they're pulling in the driveway now!"
"What did you guys find? A treat?!"
"Yes. Right there in the secret compartment of that yogurt container. You might have to look for it for a while," the squirrels conclude while making their stealthy exit out a nearby window.

Gimli was so happy! His masters had actually rewarded him for his good behavior and left him a treat in the garbage can.. was this the moment of redemption? Things were certainly looking up for this happy beagle. He would find that treat any moment now and taste its yummy goodness.. if only he could just lick through this plastic, the yogurt on his nose was just a little annoying.. and THWACK!

His furry haunches get smacked. He's in trouble.. and for what? The masters angrily spanked him, threw him in his bed, and locked the door. While they scathingly scolded him, he could not possibly figure out why this was happening. Hadn't they left a treat?

Hours pass and he is let out of the cage. With unexplained remorse, he recounts the details of what had come to pass on that momentous day. His sweet innocence just couldn't fathom why he didn't find the treat in the secret yogurt compartment, that part just didn't understand why the squirrels had been wrong, why they had been so happy with their findings and why he had gotten the castigation. It just didn't make sense to that part of him!

But another part knew just what had occurred. He had been tricked by the squirrels. They had set him up, and must pay the ultimate price! This part of Gimli grew in furious ferocity, yet it grew silently within him, waiting for the perfect moment to manifest. Its hatred boiled.. its passion for the squirrels thought up ways as to how he could vanquish them, vindictively cause them to suffer for what they had done. Justice had to be served.

Yet as time passed and no opportunity arose, this part of Gimli gradually became distorted (or at least more than it had been before.) Its hatred lost its focused concentration towards squirrels and grew in its variety. It began to hate all things, and leap out in random thoughts in Gimli's mind whenever squirrels scampered across the television screen or worse yet, out the window.  DEATH AND SUFFERING!

These thoughts raced across Gimli's mind in dark flashes so quick and so sprinting that sometimes Gimli did not process them and let out a spontaneous grumble. His genuine innocence and optimism grew stronger as did his darker side, but the two were a perfect match and occasionally the dark side did manage to take over. Then one day, on a walk through Rood Bridge Park the dark side of Gimli was finally able to manifest.

He spotted the squirrel mastermind behind his downfall.

Gimli sprinted off the leash, moving with such velocity and force as to rip the handle of the leash straight out of his young owner's hands. This squirrel was going to pay! He was going to chase it until he caught it and ripped it to shreds.. but smack! The leash was caught. Gimli snapped around with the sudden capture and was frustrated. With the loss of his momentum and the proximity between him and the squirrel rapidly decreasing, he could only beg (whine) to be let free towards the ensuing justice. The owners could not possibly sympathize with such a savage beast as the squirrel!

Yet as the squirrel got further and further away, Gimli gradually reverted to his sweet and innocent side although sparks of DEATH AND SUFFERING! did occasionally scamper like a squirrel across his mind. The squirrels framed Gimli many more times, and each time did the darkness grow more. With flashes of this darkness Gimli would run away from time to time, take dumps in conspicuous locations, or yell at the top of his vicious lungs at random visitors or pedestrians. He had a prevailing dark side to match his sweet side, a Hyde to his Jekyll.

Even Jekyll never quite did forgive those squirrels.

DEATH AND SUFFERING!





... I feel better now. That's what storytelling does to me. There must be such a thing as therapeutic charlatanism. My belly doesn't hurt unless I think about it.

Good night everybody!

Plain and Simple

Woke up, got to church, finished church, headed home, spanish homework and a little history, naptime, Dodgeball movie party, and Call of Duty.

"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball."

Thirty Hour Famine Site:

http://twv.convio.net/site/TR/30HourFamine/30HourFamine?px=1215125&pg=personal&fr_id=1610

By the way, I didn't write the personal page. It won't let me save the one I did write. Refer to previous post if you're brave or stupid enough to take a look at my words.

The Donation Page Is Finally Up

The site itself won't allow me to publish my personal statement just yet because of technical issues, but this is what I plan to write. The link to where you can donate is attached to the bottom of the page:

Hey Everybody!

First off, let me thank you so much for showing up.

What you do here will genuinely benefit the world, a remarkable opportunity for those of you in the States and an incredible gift for the poor and starving of Africa and Asia.

This will be second famine of the year, my first sponsored, but the last time I went I accidently started the night before and lasted the complete fourty-four hours between then and the end of the famine I was participating in.

So I guarantee you that I will be able to stick it out, and if me not eating for 30+ hours is enough to motivate you to give up your money...

You might need to take another course of Personal Finance.

I've even got a few connections I could set you up with.

But that's not the point.

The point is where your money will go and what you will help to accomplish.

The restoration of the broken third and developing world.

Every $30 we raise together will feed, educate, medicate, and clothe one of World Vision's reached children for an entire month.

Each $360 will feed him for a year.

Now, as far as the stats go:

Every ten seconds a child under age five dies from preventable hunger-related causes.

There is enough food in the world to sufficiently feed each individual. Just think about how much we waste daily. We literally have garbage cans to collect our excess food once or twice a week.

The money required to expel poverty and starvation from this world is estimated to be around 20 Billion Dollars.

We spend that much on ice cream.

Every year.

Nine hundred and twenty five million people are starving right now. That's approximately three times the national population of the United States and roughly one seventh of the world's population.

Writing this and knowing that it's true both breaks my heart and makes me feel obliged to help in whatever means I possibly can.

I am giving up my birthday presents for the third time this year and encouraging those who would gift normally to rather donate to this cause. I am using my journal and my Facebook profile to make this is as public as possible.

Together, we can help fix the world.

http://support.worldvision.org/site/TR/30HourFamine/30HourFamine?px=1215125&pg=personal&fr_id=1610

When Things Just Don't Work

Okay, guys, I want to start off and say I'm sorry. I'm sorry to anyone I let down last night for lack of an entry, for a failed promise, and generally my attitude.

I don't have a lot to say tonight, because I'm just a little pissed our group page isn't up so that I can fill you guys in and give you a way to help out. That about eleven thousand kids are dying today without my doing anything about it. I'm downright angry about that.

Something I feel you learn as you grow up is that the more you depend upon other people to make your own plans work out, the less likely they are to work out. The next thing you learn is that there are certain things that naturally depend upon other people and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. That's what's making me a little upset right now. I can't do anything just yet, and I promised I would be able to because I counted on somebody else. This really sucks.

I want to help raise money to feed the hungry.

I want to go another thirty hours without food, to reconfigure my heart's perception to the injustice in this world.

And I also want to give you a way to help out these people, because there's a satisfaction in that for you as well.

And it might just be the first thing that this journal will be globally useful for.

I've been getting sixty to seventy views a day.

Sixty to seventy viewers.

Sixty to seventy souls with a natural inbred desire to help and to rectify the injustice of this world, to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, teach the uneducated, and give broken hearts a hope for the future. To mend broken lives. To fill an empty stomach... 

To save a life.

Why isn't this page up already? Why can I do nothing in this moment? Why am I forced to remain idle as nearly eighty kids have died in the mere ten minutes it's taken me to write this entry. Every eight seconds.. a child dies from a preventable affliction. One that is fully capable of being helped. One that America alone would be able to remedy.

I've been told it would take an approximate twenty billion dollars to end world poverty. To end it altogether. At the same time I heard that's how much Americans spend annually on ice cream. The same video that's heart was broken to hear the rallying cry "God Bless America" when he already has far beyond what he has the rest of the world. And what have we been blessed for? Why not to help others?

If one person in a room were to have fifteen fruits.. and the others were to have none, or close to it, why should this person not do everything he can to help feed them all. Why would he watch them starve to death with a selfishly cruel and full belly of his own? It just doesn't make sense to me.

How can one be so heartless to another? A neighbor? That he would let him starve as he is able to throw out his excess food on a regular basis? It makes me sick to my stomach, and I don't think it's just the countless calories I was fortunate enough to whimsically down without a second thought.

The world of the poor and the hungry is a tragic, yet beautiful, place.

The world of the rich and the selfish is an indulgently overjoyed, yet disgusting, place.

Anyone see the problem? Or is it just me?

Now, I don't feel right taking in birthday presents while this goes on and as long as there's been a thirty hour famine available I've obligingly declined birthday gifts and requested the money only goes towards this cause. Maybe it was God's timing, but I was born on one of the days it takes place. Generally the same throughout the years. Probably not a coincidence.

Now, as soon as it becomes possible, I will definitely get this fundraising page up. I will give you the opportunity to respond and to aid the tragedies of this world, to make it a better place, and to restore its brokenness. I humbly implore you as your dedicated author, I beg you as a friend, and I plead with you as a cohabitant of this sad world, please spare whatever you can. A lone dollar will meet one starving child's basic needs for a day. Thirty will feed, clothe, medicate and educate him or her for a month. The best part is that larger organizations have pledged to match whatever is donated, and this is very encouragingly accurate in the plural. Ryan told me that there are at least ten willing to do so, meaning each dollar that you donate will perform the aforesaid for nearly two weeks or a year, respectively.

Also if twelve, meaning just one in five of you, can donate thirty dollars, you will be enabled to follow where your money's going through my journal updates. This is something I can do on my undisturbed and uninterrupted self, and no one else can keep me from it, so I personally give you my word that I will inform you of where the money ends up should you donate and choose to check in. As soon as I find out, I will let you all know. World Vision is an amazing program dedicated to perhaps one of the noblest causes of mankind, to help itself out of a heartbreaking state by the help of God.

Will you be a part?

Writing Last Night

It would have been a disservice. I wasn't thinking or believing right for the late of the night, and figured the wisest choice was to remain silent. The 30 Hour Famine fundraising page will go up as soon as possible.

Damn Titles

"Steven? Hello?"

- Lebanon Valley College

"Have we met, Stevie?"

- Flagler College

"Are you receiving my e-mails?"

- Loyola University, MD

"You like to stay busy."

- Hofstra University

Desperate, creepy, sometimes downright meaningless.. can anyone else think of another word to describe the college board's contact methods?

They just don't stop.. they obviously know my e-mail. They know my phone number. They know my parent's information. They even know our address. I'm sure they'll kick down the door and threaten to slit my throat with one of their envelopes if I refuse to request additional information about their schools. That's of course, if they're not already trying to drown me with hundreds of flyers and brochures. Why didn't nobody ever warn us about these guys? They mean business! 

The college board must have it in with the Mafia too, considering how powerful they all are. Why else would colleges let all this mail be sent out in their names?

I don't know, but it's draining me mentally just thinking about it.

I know what to do, Jack will cheer me up!

Catharsis, baby, here I come! 

(P.S.) My personal fundraising page for the 30 Hour Famine will be up tomorrow. I'll be posting links to it from here and from my Facebook as close to a daily basis as I possibly can between now and the day of the Famine. Remember that if you're planning on giving birthday presents to reconsider. I don't usually take them because I'd rather that money be contributed towards this cause.

In the meantime, you can check out World Vision's website on that from here:

http://www.30hourfamine.org/

And how much could a donation hurt?

Feeling Dozy at 8:47?

What the hell is happening to me?

I was pretty awake and alive at PBBK, but now I'm pretty solidly crashing. I feel like I do around three, when it's really nearly seven hours earlier than that. Why do I want to crash so bad? Will I catch a second wind?

Just figured out it can't be forced.. this is genuine fatigue. Energy, that is. It doesn't just come out of nowhere.

I thought I'd write a psalm tonight. I suppose I was wrong. Maybe not, let's give it a shot! *hey, we're rhyming already.. too bad psalms don't really do that*

I cry out to you out of my fatigue, Oh God.

At the suggestion of another, I still deliver you the plea of my heart.

Give me rest and give me energy. 

Give me a place where I can be me.

I wish I could say life were falling apart around me, God.

I wish I could say I had a lot on my plate.

But you leave me with the simple and common strife of life.

Why, God? Why do I not feel the pangs of the arrows of heartbreak?

I long to be sad again. I long to feel. I long to be real.

I long to feel the variety of existence, the spectrum of emotion.

Why am I trapped in this state of draining joy?

Is it real? Are you giving me strength? I search and I ponder deep within, but yet feel none.

I do what must be done.

I fulfill my duties faithfully and long to glorify your face.

I give you credit in all that I do.

I acknowledge that my abilities are not my own;

my achievements I have not attained alone.

Like my magnificent state championship ring I feel

The one I did not earn as my own but fought to prepare

Every day of practice, every toil of sprint

Yet it was not me who won varsity games.

It was not I who performed in the most decisive of moments.

Yet I bear my ring with pride, acknowledge the work I have done, however small

And smile with the overcome of all

My soul is like this ring in oh so many ways

Beautifully designed, well used, and here for a solid purpose

Yet it does hardly feel, perhaps not at all

Is it a sociopath, then?

Or is it simply its design?

God, I hand these questions and these worries over to you

I do not come close to fully comprehending, yet am glad and faithful as to your might

I know you provide, I know of your personal grandeur by which you abide

Why are these things so, then, God?

What tears apart families seems trivial to me

Am I subconsciously hiding?

Is my head forcibly stuck in the ground?

Shall there be no escape, or will you rescue me with some pain?

Just to know I'm real and still here.

God, give me something to be my bane. 

I long for the thrill of the fight.

The joy of the battle.

The spiritual triumph in accomplished victory.

And still I find none.

I am not afraid to be judged, in fact I long

I desire scathing criticism

Deliver me some blows, give me ways to improve!

If I am doing all I can, give me more to do!

Let me use the strength you've given me.

Give me the drive to exploit it.

Let me make full use of your spirit that never abandons!

Let it make full use of me!

I feel wasted in the sense of futility

I feel like my actions hold little value or meaning

I feel like the mighty acts we perform together

are just grains of sand on the coast.

Blended into a mighty picture, a beautiful one, but relatively insignificant on their own.

Is this how it shall always be, as according to your will?

If so, make it clear and I will bend.

But if you want more from me, show me what to do!

Throw what the world's got at me.

Wreck me so I know how I'm weak!

God, I beg you of this.

For toil, for pain, for feeling and for strife.

For accomplishment, for meaning, and for life.

Give me an obstacle course.

Give me the words that will make me hoarse.

A battle cry, an exclamation of anguish.

An emotional tale, a legacy.

If this is not already it, I let you know how ambivalent this all feels.

I feel like there is subconscious emotion within.

Are you showing it to me now?

Yes, I begin to feel.

Thank you God and let it grow!

After this post is published, let me continue to dwell in your will.

Make me your hands and feet, your lips if need be.

Your ears, your eyes, whatever you desire.

I will be your workman.

Your layman.

Let it be so.

Amen and the highest of praise to you, that beyond the realm of words and actions, and into the everlasting of the heart and soul.

Thank you God.

Huck

Well, apparently y'all like to be offended. You hit what I believes to be the high of the month yesterday.. human psychology is truly a remarkable thing, ain't nothin' sensible 'bout it. Yous got my apologies if you thinks I'm a thorough-bred animal, but I don't reckon y'all's are thinkin' that way. Anyways, this is what happens when you happen to be reading a lot of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, you gets to talkin' like the po' fool. Or maybe po' ol' Jim ev'ry now and agains.

I've been really enjoying this read and don't think it to be entirely by chance that I happened to do some research on Bear Grylls of Man vs. Wild immediately before starting. The guy named one of his son's Huckleberry, and I was thinkin' of doin' the same. The book really brings out the Southuhna in me, y'know? Well, the poser at least. I warn't there too long. Formative kindy years tho'.

Well I gots to thinkin' and began considerin' what the name would sound like: Huckleberry Finn LaFerriere when it struck me that it looks awful pretty in that ol' rustic way I love so much. Let's just see what's my wife's got to say 'bout it someday, if she ain't compaterble, well, she can blame it on Mr. Mark Twain.

All right, the effects are startin' to wear off. Starting. Dammit. Buts anways, (this is driving me crazy, literally can't stop) today was pretty decent. Ryan Fassett begins talkin' (talking!) to me about what my "blog" should be like. What I should put in. Talkin' (talking! fool me twice.. get out of my head, Huck!) to a deer perhaps.. how bout's gym badminton? Okay, fine, I gave in and added the 's' but the lack of an a came on its own, I promise. I just can't stop now that I've started. But yep.. I did. Add CIA to the list of honorable mentions.

So life was good. Got my lift in, got my homework done, got my eyes tired.. Got some grades up and some grades down.. finally got back my video project from Marking Period 1 or 2.. been way too long. But things went along in their characteristic smooth way and I feel pretty contented. God only knows how many times I forgot it was Valentine's Day. Even the candy I ate didn't really remind me all that much of what's been going on.

On account of family plans with Dad, best to be respected bein' as we're 'bout to take off in 'round a week, I missed the football championship rings ceremony. I figure I might be able to pick it up later, 'barrasment as it may be. It didn't upset me too much, however, because of the circumstances under which I discovered he would not be coming home tonight. I heard some of the sweetest things to the sight of a sunset and the chill of a late winter's breeze. Things were pretty splendid.

So I did what felt natural at the time and wrote down all that I was hearing from the wonderfully innocent little boy's lips, sounded like it was his very first spring to me. I texted it to myself with a little followup as to how little kids are so impeccably able to make my day. Here's what I heard right about how I heard it:

"Whoa! WHOA!! There's like a thousand birds! Mom! Momm! MOM! Mom mom mom mom mom. Mooooom! Mom MOOM!"
- Sweet Child on the Return of the Birds

My spiritual reaction:

Little kids make my day..

Near everything was beautiful from that point on. I got to thinkin' about just how wonderful life is all the time. From the simplest of things. I couldn't remember the words to "What a Wonderful World," so as I paced I sang to myself my own version. Acute observations, just whatever to keep the song going. And it was nice. It was personal. It was worship. It was eventually the highest of laud to God. What an artist.

I love life. I get this all natural high out of a love for nature. I start jonesing to give something up to God, just as anything with a preformed purpose must always itch to do, subconsciously or not. There's a lot to live for, a lot to love, and a lot to fight passionately for. I also read a ridiculous article as to why Christians should not join the military today.. that was annoying, yet beautifully so when you get to thinking about it. How is it that we're even allowed to be annoying? Isn't that the peak of grace itself? That we're allowed to be stupid?

Haha I don't know.. I always jump to the "highest of" when I'm talking about God Almighty, but whatever goes goes, you know? I just write down what I'm thinking. Backspace's purpose is reserved only for the correction of typos, by which I mean strictly keyboard mistakes. I don't rephrase sentences and I don't do grammatical correction (unless it misconstrues my thinking). My lax point is the prevention of misinterpretation. Whatever crosses my head I put down. That's why you get some insensitive sarcasm sometimes, because it's just not censored. This is me to you, uncensored, except slightly refrained as is my thinking under the pressures of an audience. It's still solely what I think and it's still solely a journal, presented to an audience yet written inherently personally.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about hitchhiking to Miami recently. Cheap plane tickets from there to Costa Rica or further South.. I've been considering some Peruvian things recently as well, as well as becoming part of some year long volunteer opportunities to do on my own before I go off to college. Hitchhiking to Miami would not only be practical and a lot of fun, but also an educational adventure in itself. Get to see the lay of the land on my own a little bit, and to depend upon self-reliance and the munificent courtesy of those around me. Wouldn't that just be swell?

I wouldn't even want to bring all that much. Just a backpack with some clothes in it, maybe my laptop, my phone and its charger, toiletries optional, and then my guitar, a journal, and a pen. I was thinking a lot about what it'll be like in truck stops. What kind of pseudonyms I could try out. Colby Lami might be cool. Roscoe Peterson, like we were thinking of naming Will? All he wanted was Roscoe. James Bourne like the spies? Jack Meridius, like the badasses? Benjamin Wallace, like Mel Gibson's best roles?

Would I let them know they were pseudonyms? Would I be more respectful and grateful or playful and attractive? Would probably depend on the drivers. Say it's this extraordinary World War II vet type of guy, best to be very reverent and enjoy his experience and the extensive life left in him. Listen to his stories and be fascinated. Inspired. Motivated. Enthralled. Or say it's a medium suburban family from Maryland? Quality, straight-up American family.. like the Middle kind. I'd meet the Axl guy on his level and joke around, try to be a sweet big brother and encouraging teaser of Brick, and just generally cool to the Sue. Joke around with the Dad, be the kind of guy that mothers-in-law love to the Mom. Whatever. Just possibilities. Optimally, I get picked up by a bunch of gorgeous Virginia, Carolinas, or Georgia college babes heading South for the summer. Then I'd get to mess around the whole trip, be the life of the party, and just have a generally good time. I'd be sorry to get out of that car, though. How about the rough and rustic truck driver? Might get to sleep through that one, or I might get to make his day special with a bit of company. Just pass back and forth some Alaska-esque stories. Or say I get stuck with some kind of pestilent, impossible to get-along with guy that I have no clue of why he would pick up a hitch hiker.. assuming I don't turn him down and wait for another ride to come along, I might take it on like a welcome challenge. Figure the guy out like an obnoxious professor and let on like I'm just trying to get on his good side for the grades. All these possibilities. All this romanticism. All this adventurous realism. A thoroughly enjoyable experience of getting to know people as a whole. Who knows what the East Coast has got in store?

Then it'd all be great work down in Peru or Costa Rica.. or terrible work that I'd love all the same. Let the surprises come as they will.

It's kinda like the voyage down the Mississippi between Huck and Jim, say I meet another hitchhiking partner heading down the same direction and we join up. We could put on the acts together. What if one of us wanted to take on a persona? What if one of us wanted to pull a prank like pretending not to speak English, being best friends or lovers, maybe being brother and sister (push a crazy adoption story if there's a race difference, or a milkman story hahaha) and find a friend in one another. Doesn't this all sound like fun so far? The truth is, any challenge can be fun. Any occasion generally accepted as fun could be fun as well. Or we could see how fun it would be to uphold complete honesty. That'd be fun in a different way.

I think about how I'll get rides from a trucker station or at least some food. Say I don't have any money because I already bought my plane ticket online and am working based off of a deadline. Maybe I'd set up a sign with paper from my notebook and leave it by the garbage can saying, "Kids starve in Africa. Kids starve in America. Kids starve in that corner over there, why waste your food now?"

Or right next to me in an open guitar case, "Be or pay the person that's going to drive me a step closer to Miami." That'd be fun too, to play guitar for some small or large donations. Might be a good way to get attention as well. Might even be illegal enough to get me kicked out, that'd be awesome too.

You see? There's a thousand possibilities for what could happen in a couple of years. Who knows what memories and decisions I'll have made? Who knows what experiences will come my way? Way I sees it, the best way to live is one day at a time, like an elephant, live and learn, stay true to yourself and your code, be generally courteous, improvise, adapt, and execute, and base yourself on the past, act in the moment, and prepare for the future.

And then you can document your thoughts and plans in a journal, should you so desire.

Signing off at Midnight O'Five AM, Valentine's Day+1, departing from you live:

- Stevie LaFerriere
  

Clueless Night

I'll come straight out and say it clean.. I have absolutely no clue what to write tonight.

We've got "Ride" by Bond under the Pandora Tab, and it's not a bad song.. it's under my Palladio station. I love this kinda stuff though, it's like a cross of classical and rock, with a bit of dance and techno, with a cherry on top. Just all over fun to listen to. Makes me really want to play violin though. Is that going to be my deathbed quote? Wish I had learned the violin. After the accomplished life I hope to lead, that wouldn't be so bad haha. Poetically simple. Like "Never been better."

Death quotes.. aren't they always the best? That epitome of enlightenment. When this world has entered retrospect and all you have is eternity ahead. Just a cool thought. I wanna keep living my life.. each day brings me closer, baby!

So.. today was a work day.

Literally been working since I got home early.. had to skip my lift and prove to myself I'm not a total Dopamine addict. That rush is nice, but it's nice to know you can find satisfaction elsewhere, you know? "Any Other Name.." Wasn't this in White Oleander? I think I've gone down this path before. Cool song anyway.

Got to school in the morning and went through the routine. Interesting tidbits: probably slept through half the day, all the times I wasn't learning. Like downtime was literally head-down-on-the-table time. I think that was almost all of history.. the deal was we were literally doing the same exact lesson we've been doing. I still learned an equivalent amount throughout the day, I just got a little more shuteye.

The real work came in with Philosophy and the day's remaining homework.

But I almost forgot one of the other interesting tidbits that led to a bit of a complimentary ridicule.

So I brought it up for the first time tonight when my dad was telling me how his attendings had been telling him how to deal with things in smoother, more concise, more confident ways, manually. Ways to look like you know what you're doing. And then I told him he didn't want to be like me. And nervously let a carton of chicken noodle soup explode over you and your comfy  sweats. Because then you have to ask your teacher if you can change your clothes. Then you have to realize all you have got left is some gym clothes you didn't change into because you were so comfortable in the ones you had been wearing all day. But then you're dressed like SuperGymClassHero (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0wQAx5LXNc) and deal with the reception of the apparent dressgloating you'll do for the remainder of the day. 

You definitely don't want to do that.. because then you're kinda like me. Imperfect.

So that was school.

Philosophy class came in later.

That was a lot of work.. and I found out I missed my first few points. Now I only have a 98.4% on the class.

And PreCalc might have gone down from my rounded 107 as well. Whatever. That's what happens as time goes along. Grades fluctuate.

Sorry if this is rambling, but I've noticed as I go back through and read it in the Awesome Inc. (as it is LITERALLY called, I swear, start up your own journal if you don't believe me.. pretty sure it's the default) format that it doesn't seem so stupid. So you might be reading this and thinking I'm the smartest righter under the face of the son. And yes, I almost fixed that but felt it would serve you good towards the truth and out of the horribly mistaken state of being. 

Damn, I love E.S. Posthumus.

Tikal: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTl_hWZt8DA

Guys, if you want some awesome music: Pandora Palladio.

So yeah.. I'm loving this. Being stupid in front of whoever wants to take a look and just being so whatever about it. I don't care if y'all like me anyway.. I'd prefer it to be the other way around sometimes, actually. I could use a good fight.

Anyway.. bored. 

Throwing out random thoughts.

Letting you read or ignore.. your choice.

Cascade by Hyper, anyone?

Okay, screw you guys, you've robbed twenty minutes. Assholes.

Peace.

I'm off to chill with Jack Bauer.

The Inevitable

Certain things in life are inescapable. Such is the nature of time with friends, ill prepared work sessions, and the daily agenda. For better or for worse, the ascertained sow becomes the determined harvest. Tomato plants will always yield tomatoes; apple trees will always bear apples; and well spent time with friends always leads to a delightful sensation of familiar giddiness at the time of its termination. A short-lived high followed by the symptoms of "Goodbye Syndrome," at which point one always ponders when paths will cross once again, if there has been anything forgotten, and how long it will take for your very welcome guest to make his or her exit. In effect, it is always a positive to know there are consistent tendencies in an otherwise disorderly series of life.

This morning initiated with church preparation: shower, dress, and wasted time. After a few extra minutes were out the door and looking forward to a socialization dubbed "Waffle Breakfast" at New Life Fellowship. Food was good, life was great, expectations were high, and associate friends were near. Laughter and stuffed bellies, smiles and pulled out chairs, on the move and butts in plastic saddles. Waffles downed after eggs and sausage, apple juice down and biblical study ahead. Time moves along as steadily as it always has.

A few steps of varying swag deliver us to the upstairs game room. Past the air hockey table and around the initially misplaced, eventually comfortably enclosed couch. Seats are retaken as they have been many a night and morning, and small talk was made as it most always superfluously be performed. Realist cynicism spiced with sarcasm gradually becomes the study of the mighty warrior and friend David. Words come to life and the mind is engaged. David was less softy Sunday School than he was bloody and gruesome Troy. A giant slain, a head borne, a friend gained, an enemy acquired sets the scene. David and Jonathan, friends through thick and thin, kindred "one-in" spirits facing life side by side. Calamities overcome, tragedies faced, and sacrifices made. Life wasn't as easy as Sunday School pictures tell and not near as inaccessible. Game room becomes barracks; classmates, comrades. Study initiated, stairs descended, we're ready to wait for the sermon.

Minutes go by, worship begins, divine connection aroused. Music transmutes to a mere tool, hearts are drawn together. Praises raised, souls united, beings opened. All in all offered, immensely satisfactory joy received. We directly exercise our purpose to the best of our respective ability. Worlds are forgotten and heaven is come. Fifteen minutes later, all is drawn to a close and mentalities are ready para aprender.

Sermon surpasses and simultaneously passes.

Nosebleed, fortunate assistance from a nearby fatherly figure.
Gracias, senor.

Worship preparation discussed. Unexpected compliment that is accordingly appreciated most. Hit the house. Homework initiated and music available. Guests arrive. Party time.

Estrogen overload, work disorganization, shaky conclusion. No worshipful connection. Snack food downed, Phantom of the Opera reenacted. Spiritually and musically, falsetto enabled.

Blokus, Cade's adorable secret mission. Huckleberry Finn, final pages rushed.

Estrogen skyrockets as Downton Abbey kicks off. Mr. Joel Garrell saves the day.

Discussion follows, time passes. Sweet friendships built. Memories recollect.

Exhaustion commences.

Journal entry dimuendos.

Good night world of 12:03 AM, Monday, 2/13/2012.

Shifting Tides

I had originally planned to title this entry, "Grand Central Lost."
Consequentially, this would have played out in a very melancholy and self-pitiful manner. But as always, you deserve better for your troubles. The last few days have been busy, but things have been changing. I've been getting busier by the day, more tired by the night, and slightly more overwhelmed by the moment. When moments of rest do come, they are very much appreciated. Watching Captain America with my mom and my brothers tonight, for instance. Decent movie, not quite as good as the rest of the Avenger movies, yet decent well enough. Totally called the ending, though. But is the age difference going to be an issue?

I'll get this out of the way, so you and I don't have to deal with it much longer. I felt a bit of a rush of truth today. However it wasn't the enlightening kind we all know and love. If there were such a word, I would dub it endarkening. I had a peek into some of the emotional anguish my mom's been getting from old photo albums, photos on the wall, legal letters, and the other face-to-face encounters of the essence of what's going down in her marriage. Tragically, this feeling hasn't really caught up with me until today. At around two or three o' clock, we stepped into Grand Central Terminal.

The last time I was there was in the March of 2010, a time throughout which we vehemently looked forward into the future and the time of our reunion as a family.  A much looked forward to trip had been scheduled for me to go to New Jersey to check it all out, pick our new family home, and become familiar with the area. After gathering the approving signatures of my teachers, with a laugh of assignments and an optimistic eye to the future, Mom and I set out the door for my first time hitting up the big city. "Rookie Hits the City," I recollect titling the proud and precious photos uploaded to Facebook, almost immediately upon my return.

The trip was incredible and among the fondest of my exploratory remembrances. The industrially smell of the city, the surprise of Newark's urban nature, and the long drive through North Jersey examining towns and the unforeseen bareness of the trees. Yet all this negativity was negated by the positiveness of our hopes for the future. Our guaranteed reunion with Dad in May. We would finally be altogether a family again.

Yet over the course of years, God occasionally decides to entirely invert the ins and outs of our perspective upon a certain matter, for better or for worse. My initial sours became sweet while my initial sweets turned sour. Shortly after a year had gone by, we discovered Dad would not be staying in our home. Months passed and we discovered he was divorcing our mother. By this time, I had fallen in love with my new home. The people and their nature, the architecture and the culture, the proximity of the city.. the Eastern Seaboard had become as magnificent as the West. My family had also begun to fall apart, for the first time. The crucial link to be slowly, oh so agonizingly slowly, be severed.

And I don't know if I've bottled things up or if they've been kept from me, but none of this has really occurred emotionally to me until now. I've taken a very mental viewpoint upon my emotions, ever striving to feel, and it finally came upon me in a relieving rush of despondency today's afternoon. I'm sad just thinking about it. All I wanted to do was get the hell out of there, yet maintain my composure while I was there to not ruin the experience for my little brother Wesley, who had never before seen the place.

It started after some time at the New York City Public Library, which I should discuss later, as we headed over to the Station. I remembered the excitement I had of the place nearly two years ago, and of the food we sampled in their downstairs market. As well as some interesting pizza we had dined upon, that was apparently the true kind, or that was what my dad had said my uncle Will had told him. It was one of the highlights of my trip.

Things kept striking me though, simple differences that ran parallel between the two time frames. The first fell in my coat, surprisingly enough. I remember my brown coat soaked black. The time during which we were in New Jersey poured rain. It was like the Forrest Gump kinds doubled. It rained so hard, the bounce from the pavement went up my nose. So wet that a duck wouldn't even find it lovely. Yet I did, because it was only just slightly ever so uncomfortable. A bit of a challenge, and I knew it would make some delightful memory material one day. We went to the Natural History Museum, through Central Park, up the Empire State Building, and paced Time's Square. Things were great, but whether it was the rain's illusion or the city itself maintained a mystery to me. What was this world like in its true colors? What would it be like if I could see clearly? What if it was as my coat, soaked dark like the finest of leather, yet truly brown and somewhat cheap underneath? What was it all, really? Would I ever truly find out? Had I already?

The next was heavily ironic, painfully symbolic if you've been analyzing too much Huckleberry Finn recently. The best of memories, by which I mean the hall of the food concourse, were no where to be found. The place I had found with mom and showed to Dad.. it just wasn't there. It was as if the memory had been erased. The general rush left no room for questions, there were no directions in that maze. I couldn't find the same pizza joint. I couldn't find the same Boston Market-esque place. And all of these things were striking me as representative of my current life's situation.

Has it been planned this way? That Ryan MacDonald would use his agnosticism to solidify my faith, my grandfather's reassurance, that the deep and meticulous study of literature would open my mind to irony, satire, and metaphor? That this had to be with dad and my brothers on our bittersweet-by-definition day together? Have all these elements been compiled, back-to-back, all so that I would be able to finally see things clearly? To feel? Has this all been God's timing? It dates way back, then, because this is my second time reading Huck Finn. Dad gave it me Tom Sawyer in Alabama which almost immediately led me to Huck Finn. This second time brings back memories of the past and the inbetween, while opening my eyes to the deeper aspects now that the superficial plot has already been covered. Nearly ten years I've been prepared for today, grilled to perfection, and left to observe my own pain poetically. Is God awesome or what?

Things continued to strike me from the moment I entered until the moment I left.

The moment I left.

That was it. That was the minute I had to step back outside. Into the real world. I had a mental flashback in time to the sight of the pouring rain outside. The threshold I once crossed between peace and war now became the threshold of war and peace. The internal war of painful memory was over, the world ahead. The recognition was nearly full complete, my hands on the door...

And I almost couldn't do it.

The peak. The beginning. The first moment of the rest of my life. Through the furnace. Endarkened and enlightened to the toil around me. This. Is. Now.

February 2012: Shit becomes real.

But it's not all bad, no, of course it isn't. Ryan asked me why God allows us to suffer injustice. And I answered him. That truth God had me pour out now applied to me fully. It will continue to grow. Things will continue to get tougher. And I will continue to get stronger. I will continue to be more like Christ, and I will continue to be the man I was born to be. Each step brings me closer to home, each day a second closer. And although every day might not be good, there's a lot of good in every day. And that makes me smile. It makes me happy. I become overjoyed.

Because, in the end, life is always good. The good, the bad, the ugly and the funny, it's all there for a purpose. It all works out in the end. And there's a guaranteed happy ending. A true happily ever after, the only of its kind. And it gives us the will to fight on. Something to hold on to. And it's worth fighting for, Mr. Frodo. From the fires of hell to the guarantee of eternal life, God's grace is ever unending. And it's never exhausted or worn out. Isn't that great?

Some things that were marvelous about today:

- The New York City Public Library -- Forget the Great Library of Alexandria, this is where it's at. This has got to be the most intellectual and expansive of knowledge reference source in the world. Need some research done? Hit this place up like the hundreds of college students who study there most every day. From a map of Aloha, Oregon and Madison, New Jersey to an extensive history of Latin America, from every word ever written of Shakespeare to the assorted dictionaries of pseudonyms and slang terminology, the knowledge is whatever you're willing to look for. It's almost all gotta be in there somewhere. And there's even a kid's section downstairs with close to a dozen security cameras.

- A quick souvenir: an extensive map of Manhattan and its buildings. Not a bad resource either. Thanks Dad!

- Coffee and a tongue that's burnt to this moment. I like how that feels though after a few hours, fun to play with, really. Thanks again Dad! (No, honestly, I really do enjoy having a burnt tongue. Not at first though, admittedly.)

- Captain America -- Nice chill time to watch a movie. Not bad entertainment, not bad setup, not so great that it traps you in thought for hours, not so great that you really, truly, sincerely wanna cry when it's over. In other words, nothing like Shawshank.

- Writing a full journal entry again, it's nice to have some free time on the weekends. Not to mention that I saved a few innocents of Skyrim again, nice to chill out.

- Time at the high school with Dad, Wesley, and Cade. Football, pole vault cushion, and long jump covering, all merely tools for the show of little brothers. 

- A nice nap in the car. Really felt great.

- Ideas: Yearlong service project in Costa Rica or Peru, ideas of hitchhiking to Miami for cheapest tickets, hope of talking to Will about that. Gets me thinking about the future. Gets me excited. Too bad some poor starving kids never get that excitement, which is why it might be really cool to work with them as well someday. 30 Hour Famine donations really just don't entirely cut it.

By the way, if you're reading this, you might be perfect. A perfect candidate. You and I might just be able to form a three-way mutually beneficial charitable business transactions. Here's how it works: 

My Part -- For the third time, exclude birthday presents from my birthday. Rather implore all interested to use that money to donate to World Vision in sponsorship of my 30 Hour Famine, execute the Famine, and send the money off to the world's hungry. Not to mention every dollar I receive is multiplied by eleven, as eleven larger programs have agreed to match each dollar donated this year.

Your Part -- Fuel those donations. You get both the satisfaction of a deed well done and the leave of a need to find me a birthday present, brilliant, right?

The World's Part -- Earth gets a day less hungry with each dollar donated. Each dollar we donate is equivalent to over a week and a half of food, education, and housing. The world we lives in gets that much better.

Hiatus: Still posting one a day, but schedule's allowed little time for responsive elaboration.

Another One Of Those Nights I Need Sleep

Journal entry, short and sweet, bare minimum to hold true to my promised commitment.

If you're reading this, welcome and goodbye, good night!

My Life's Greatest Survey of Faith

Initial Assignment Response

What is the center of my purpose?

As a devout Christian, I am dedicated to the glorification of God. I know this. The questions initiate as I consider all that wonderful persons I could be, all the magnificent feats I could accomplish, and all that I could potentially change or augment. I often ponder the impact my legacy will leave. I strive to be the best I can be, to always improve, and to enter the kingdom of heaven with the words of reassurance and congratulation in my ears. This is philosophy on a personal note, yet philosophy nonetheless. It is home to some of the most deeply implanted subject matter ever explored my man. "Why am I here?" as it has been phrased before me. Metaphysical in essence, ethical in practice, and aesthetic and nature, it is my deepest and most fascinated concept of philosophy. It is crucial to my being and the justification my being. It is the cornerstone of my faith and the source of my hope. I have high expectation for myself, the one I wish most to entirely meet and thoroughly exceed.

 

It is pertinent to my future and vitally connected to my past. I feel that my purpose is best fulfilled ever on the move. From the time I was born, I have never lived in a place for more than a couple of years. I lived in Portland, Oregon for five sequential years but that was the extent of my immobility. I had attended seven schools by the seventh grade, eight by the ninth. Ever the optimist, I have embraced each change with open arms, open eyes, and a fired up heart. I love the people of my journeys, the leadership of my Lord, and the influence of my actions. I make a postive impact on the people I come in connect with. I serve to the best of my ability and fulfill my capablity. I have been rewarded with the fruits of knowledge throughout my travels. I have been impressed by my usage. The Holy Spirit never ceases to amaze. A servant of all, a lover of many, and a fighter of adversity, I am designated to be the best I can be and to always hold to what is true, what is right, what is just, and what is pleasing to my Savior. Let this be my battle cry and my inspiration as I go out into the world. I am what I have made myself and have been made by others. I am determined to improve.

 

For now, that is my purpose. By the time of my arrival upon deathbed, it may have changed many times. It may even have been fulfilled. Then I can rest in peace.

 

Sorry for the extremity, but this is what I take seriously. This is who I am. This is what I have committed the essence of my being to. It is the philosophy in which I am most fascinated and fixated. It is the fuel by which I operate. This may not have been designated as the place to pour out my soul, but for myself, what place is not? Why not behave to the maximum of my capability wherever I am.. taking the skill of moderation into account. I have my strengths and my weaknesses. This is who I am and have become. This might just be the current center of my purpose. Thank you.  

1st Comment

I'm with you every step of the way here. I, too, am a devout Christian. I've had some experiences that have strengthened my faith to the extent that all doubt is absent from my mind. But anyways, good post -- keep it up.

- Zane

2nd Comment

Do you think that after you die, you can ask God what your purpose was, if He hasn't informed you by the time you die?

And do you think that you will have discovered what your ultimate purpose(s) was/were by looking back on your life when you are on your deathbead?

Just out of curiosity.

- Falon

3rd Comment

What birthed your faith? Was it something you've grown to foster on your own or were you influenced by your zealots of parents? Do you believe you owe your faith to yourself, or simply to the lord? Could you ever imagine a world without religion? 

- Ryan

First Response

Three pretty different responses. Nice to find a bro in Zane Zglobicki, thanks for the encouragement and if there's something that loves company more than misery, it's joy. I'm also fascinated and enjoy the challenge of the other two questions.

Falon: I do believe that I will be able to ask any question of the only truly omniscient being in the eternity of existence and because of the perfection of his loving grace I can expect a perfect answer. If I have not figured it out by then, completely, then I will be able to verify with all certainty in heaven. 

I do not know whether I will have discovered my ultimate purpose upon my deathbed. I will have all of my accomplishments accounted for and my life behind me, which is the primary reason I listed that moment. Because that's when everything's in the past. If we're the sum of the elements of our past, the picture is ever becoming more and more complete. So logically, the closer I get to the end of my time here on Earth, I'll have the best image I'll ever get of who I am and what I've done. It's complex, and I'm just stepping in the door so I really don't understand it very well and consequentially my articulation may be unclear. I just don't fully understand it myself.

I do hope that I recognize it before I die, though, because then I'll have more time to act on it.

 

Ryan:

This is a pretty interesting question, and I don't think it's really a cooincidence I've just read your statement of religion. You said you weren't "religious," that you weren't atheist, agnostic, or fundamentally established in any one way or another. I don't know if this flexibility or coerced neutrality. Either way, it's impressive as far as willpower goes. Admirable in its sense.

My parents were never especially zealots, just the occasionally solid Christians (but one for the most part =)). They were 18  and 19 when I was born, high school sweethearts, and now they're in a progressing state of divorce. It's very onesided and credited to a difference in beliefs. I was the lump in my mom's stomach during their marriage. My dad was among the stars of the football team, had a full ride scholarship to Willamette University (which at the time time was Division 2) for football and academics and a pretty impressive young man. He wasn't really raised a Christian, I don't know if he's been baptized, and his faith is based more on the practice of religion than the quality of his relationship with God. He doesn't really like to talk about it very much, and it seems more a system of rules and habits for him.

My mom was the daughter of a pastor. This man, my grandfather, always challenged me mentally and spiritually and was a definite source throughout the development of my faith. He was a hard worker raised in Pasadena, California before enrolling in what was originally called Chico State University, now known as California State University, Chico. He held a full course load in seminary, learning Hebrew and Greek while tending to his livestock at home. Very impressive to me. He taught me virtues. At the age of sixty-five, he's currently a professor and a part time preacher in Silverton, Oregon.

The reason they had such a profound impact on me most likely has to do with the fact that I spent so much time at their house. As a very young couple, my dad was caught up in college studies and work while my mom was working up the ranks of banks. I would be dropped off at their house almost every morning and not picked up until evening. My grandma is the one I credit with my earliest education. She spent so many hours reading me books that I started reading like a fanatic at age three and was invested in Walt Whitman and Jack London while I lived in Alabama at age six.

So, they had a considerable impact upon me spiritually. My faith was never theirs, although they did their best to foster it. They always had theirs and I always had mine. I guess it majorly came from within. The calling of the Holy Spirit within me, as it is so commonly phrased. It's a church cliche and I hate to say it, but English has its limits. I also read my Bible a lot, but mostly because it was the proper church boy thing to do. As well as to remain silent in church, to sit up straight in the pews, and to always look straight forward and take careful notes on the sermon. It was a practice. It was rigid. It was formalized and it was in no way personal. I lived out the negative side of church reputation. I was very bright, however, and made considerably astute observations for my age. That was a blessing and a curse, it confined my religion to a mentality rather than a spirituality. It was strictly law.

Eventually, a boy comes to the point in which he must challenge the rules of authority. He must try out his own way and follow the likeness of his peers. A year after starting to play football, I basically abandoned God. I wanted to be, and was probably considered to be, one of the coolest kids in the school. In a very worldly sense. Of course this is the sixth grade. I went crazy in the typical way. It was mostly a product of boredom.

You see, there is this is school in Beaverton, Oregon, that was established for the cream of the crop. It is called SUMMA Academy. It has two campuses. It provides services for the 6th through 8th graders who score within or above the 99th percentile on state testing, in all three sections. I fell one percentile short in mathematics and was declined. I fell into the standard classes and it bored the hell out of me.

Then, at the end of the year, I retook the tests for the hell of it and basically got the scores required and then some. I didn't think too much of it. I was fixed in that lifestyle: slavery to sin, if you will. I liked what I was feeling in this new lifestyle and didn't really want to leave. I was connected to the world and detached from the universe. I was hardly a Christian, if by definition you interpret it as a "Little Christ" or "follower of Christ['s example.]" But my parents forced me into the socially dead environment of SUMMA. Nobody talked in classes. Everybody was fixated on their studies. Grades were life or death. There was no social aspect there for me to get involved in, and I hardly had the time. Inbred with a desire to socialize, I continued to play football. I had a good season, athletically and socially, but when it ended I was left high and dry. No where to go but youth group.

My life was never the same.

My relationship with Christ became personal.

I felt more connected than I ever had before.

I didn't care when my Dad acted out his bipolar episodes.

All because I had something else to rely on. Something that was truly made of gold.

And I, of course, held on to my flaws. But I loved the challenge and the reward of overcoming them.

My favorite part was that I wasn't really the one doing it; God was.

And from then on, I've been living and learning, serving and striving and thriving. Fixing flaws, struggling, and doing the best I possibly could.

Then realizing that wasn't good enough and that God was the only one that really could. And that letting him do it required a kind of humility and malleability that I could honestly take pride in.

I was connected with the right kinds of people. Ever since, I've felt spiritually out of place with those who don't believe as I do. I'm not the best evangelist, but I'm a good friend of mostly non-Christian people. That's the way we Christians are called to live, however, different, set apart, "holy." 

And I feel like God's been doing a pretty incredible job through me, despite all my imperfections and shortcomings.

And I'm so glad you asked, because this kind of the way He told me where my faith was birthed. Just now. 

Thanks to you and whatever drove you to ask. Thank you.

Sorry to bore you ceaselessly with a life story, I'll skip a few lines so that if you're scrolling down to skip the boring parts you might find your other answers.

 

 

What God has given me in my life and the entailed miracules he has performed birthed and continue to birth my faith.

It was influenced by my parents, my grandparents, my friends, my youth pastors, my worship leaders, miscellaneous family friends, assorted members of the body of Christ, and most of all our glorious God.

I owe the origins of my faith to the aforementioned; I owe my humilities and malleabilities to the abilities God has embedded within me.

Religion is a funny term, because if you look carefully and analyze it in the dictionary, its multiple meanings mean very different things.

http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=Chico+state#hl=en&safe=off&q=religion&tbs=dfn:1&tbo=u&sa=X&ei=jKwwT__fGMjz0gH3kOmHCg&ved=0CCoQkQ4&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.,cf.osb&fp=56c688f775f9feb&biw=1280&bih=709

 

I personally tend to think of it much more as the "pursuit or interest to which someone ascribes supreme importance" than the others. It is the "center of my [modifer:eternal] purpose" in that regard. A world without this religion would exist much like that of a world without philosophy. Mindless babboons sitting blankly, accomplishing nothing, essentially nonexistential beings. Breathing may be one man's religion, but I would die a martyr proudly and consider it one of the highest honors. The service and glorification of my God is my religion. Christianity is my practice.

A world without the more commonly thought of definition, "The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, esp. a personal God or gods," would be depressing. All would be confused. There would be no wars because there would be nothing to passionately fight over. There would be no salvation. In consequence, life would be fruitless. What would be the point? I can imagine this world, but not fondly. Thanks for the picture, asshole. (Just so you know, I'm just kidding bro with that last part.. watch out for my humor, it's occasionally impolite and easy to misinterpret. I trash the viewers of my journal pretty thoroughly.)

The second definition is much like that of philosophy: "details of belief as taught or discussed." We've all looked into this, and it's not a pretty place either. The absence of which, I mean. Again, chaos and confusion would be rampant.

A world without the third definition would be A-okay! We don't need a "particular system of faith and worship," just as we don't need a particular system of falling in love or parenting. There's no need for a formula of this kind of relationship, just faith. Christians like myself believe Jesus Christ set the perfect example for us and how to lead our lives. He was the one man who lived entirely blamelessly and ended up taking our punishment for it anyway all in order to fulfill God's code of justice. The most epic sacrifice ever, I'd say. Best part is that it's true. Not to mention he conquered and eliminated the threat of death for "whosoever believes in him." That part's pretty cool as well, I'd say.

But yep.. there's my answer.

Ever watched the videos of bball1989? He and I are in agreement on a lot of things.

Here's his page:

http://www.youtube.com/user/bball1989

 

Here's a video about Religion, Jesus, and the difference (*the one you might be interested in*):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY&list=UUc4yillQaNo6a-iG2PYbbrA&index=3&feature=plcp

Fifth Comment

(I apolagize for any minor errors, i only had one class to write this up and i really wanted to respond to you in the best way you deserve.)

I've been touched by your response. I'd lie if i said this hasn't affected me on a deeper level than most people ever could. You see recently I’ve been falling upon hard times, and from what you told and shown me i think i just might be okay. Listen, you've taken the time to tell me your past, so why not return the favor? 

My parents never saw eye to eye. From the day i was born there were problems all around me. I struck out every day of my life at a young age. I yearned for the attention that was diverted between my parents. I needed that love that only parents happily together could give. I didn't have it. I became bitter when they split and through grade school i showed promise none the less. I cared little for what the teachers told me and did what i wanted. Everything i did reflected that mentality. I was my own person and planned to live that way.

My father was born into a household of many, many children. He was a delinquent. He was everything i was going to become. He drank and smoked all day, dealt any drug he could get his hands on and almost failed out of school. It was only in his senior year of the technical school he regrettably attended did he realize what a mistake his life thus far has been. It was in that moment did he decide to turn his life around. My father worked on cars and still does to this day. The man is miserable with the life hes made, and drinks like a fish. However I love him more than anyone. Upon his realization that he threw his life away, he started his own journey of self preservation. My father has read all the classics and has made his own education. He’s the most intelligent man i know between people and in the books. He’s crafty, handy, and above all else loving. He’s my role model. 

My mother grew up in a tough situation. She was the oldest of 3 and was borne of abuse. Her mother and father were abusive, but many Portuguese parents were back then. They chose physical punishment in opposition to a stern talking to. My mother always caught the blame for anything my aunt and uncle did. She cared for them and had to work for everything she had. Nowadays, her mental state is degrading. She also was something of a delinquent, but has matured far past it. She loves me unconditionally now as well, and for this i am lucky. Going through her second divorce (was never married to my father, i am an out-of-wedlock child) has worsened her condition. I still love her, but at times it becomes difficult as she takes her frustrations out on me.

Fast forward to middleschool. I still fostered no religious feelings and was indifferent to a religious preference. I fell in love young and early. She changed my life forever even so young, and we were together for a year. The fallout of this relationship is something i still feel today. I was emotionally crippled and became something of a womanizer. I've gained my reputation even nowadays in high school as being a womanizer. Its not something im proud of, but its life. This reputation caused many dark nights of the soul (though no one knows of these episodes) in which i would reflect on everything in my life. It was in these moments where i wrestled depression and had to overcome many dark, dark thoughts. It was in these moments i refuted any belief for god. Why could someone so almighty and all knowing do something so horrible to me? I couldn't escape it. My intelligence, like yourself, is above average. I soon began to contemplate my actual stance on religion. As i entered high school i became a steadfast Atheist. However even atheist harbors many unsavory titles and is seen as a sort of religion in itself. It merely represents the lack of faith. To this day i lack faith. No one can change that, but i have good reason.

I have a grasp on all of my impulses that used to control my life. I no longer am on the miserable path my father once was. I have aspirations to become a fighter pilot for the AirForce. However these goals will not be reached by anyone but me. Through all the hardships in my life i've relied on no one but myself. Sure, i've become callous because of it. But i've also learned much of other people. I don't dwell in the constructs of god, because god cannot and will not directly help me. I know how the premise of "religion" works. In faith motivation prospers, and with that motivation nothing can get in your way. You place your faith in your construct of god and his morals and values. This drives your ambition, and i admire you for it. However i am stuck in my worldly plane of reality. I prefer it here. Dwelling in the reality of the situation, to be mentally liberated in the physical realm is something i strive for and have to some degree achieved. 

However, through all this there is still much to be learned from "religion." Some of the morals and values are not dated, and in fact are something most of the country lacks. I looked through much of bball1898's videos and i've come to a conclusion. Much of what he preaches is true. Much of what you stand for is something that needs to be acknowledged. However i've spent too much time in the harsh realities of this world to truly believe in the logistics of religion. God to me cannot exist as he is described in the bible, or any other religious construct. Even if he does exist, he is not a god i wish to follow. An almighty power who turns his back on the fallacies of human behavior. A god who is all knowing, yet punished based on what should be the anticipated actions of the very things he has created is not one in which i wish to serve. You have enlightened me sir, and i will look upon those who are religious with new eyes. However, i myself must stay atheist because reality is something i simply cannot escape. I put my faith in myself only, and not any construct of a zealot. 

Thank you sir. I've really enjoyed this trade of belief. You've truly helped my current situation, which is anything, in my opinion, but good. Thank you.

-Ryan MacDonald, an enlightened student.

Second Response

I won't say too much because it's simply not my place, but firstly, I want to thank you in the simplest of terms for your openness. It was very much a relief and a welcome illumination, yet it was also enough to break my heart for you. I'm undescribably glad that my explanation helped you somehow, I didn't know if it would fall on open ears or not and peace of mind was simply out of reach until I heard back from you. I didn't know if I would receive a response, yet I'm mentionably glad I did. You come from a rough background. You've seen and heard some terrible things, you've experienced hell. Yet you simultaneously and courageously kept your eyes and ears open to the world. You take things as you percieve them, and in the most realistic means possible. You must be incredibly strong.

I am not trying to convert you. I'm not trying to judge and I'm not trying to hurt. I do feel for you though, unimaginably. I've had my fair share of shit happen to me as well so I know where you're coming from. I'm not going to brag of my honesty, my humility, or my perseverence in the face of suffering, simply because I don't believe my abilities are my own. I don't believe I act in my own power, and I do believe that God has been the direct fuel of my fire, like you say he cannot ever help even though you admit if he indeed exists, he is all powerful. This seems like a contradiction in terms. One of the most encouraging things I have ever read comes directly from Paul's epistle to the Romans; "We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." I believe that our sufferings can be the source of our strength, just as one forces his body to undergo the tribulation of exercise in order to increase its might so that it might build up stronger than it was before. I additionally believe that because God is an almighty god of the love required to sacrifice the life of His own son for me, that he doesn't mind sacrificing a second or two to help me through difficult math quizzes or other trivial affairs. I rely on the spirit within me, which I credit as His, and it pulls me through. I agree he can and will always help and care for me directly, even if it feels like the world's collapsing around me. I know the troubles I undergo will eventually work together for my good. And this gives me a hope that's beyond compare.

I will continue to pray for your happiness and wellbeing. I wish you all the best and hope this trade of beliefs has not caused any rift between us. I am a principle-based individual and will not back away from the defense and explanation of my deepest ground beliefs, but I have recieved your message, gained admiration for you from it, and am astoundedly glad and appreciative of your open ears, open lips, and open heart.

All the best to you, bro.

7th Comment

Something remains out of my comprehension through all of this. How, in all that has happened and will happen, do you hold true to your faith? Why do you follow a God who turns his back on the good and gives praise to the evil? Why, if he may be all knowing, does the lord choose to turn his back to all the injustice this world has produced? I propose to you, is that a god worth following? One who cares little for the grand well being of the very creatures he created? To me, the idea of the lord in this sense is like a mother who only guides her child, even in its infancy to its needs, but never provides them. Can you imagine a mother who never fed her child, but only gave the child the MEANS to be led to food? Would you love that mother, and not grow to detest all of the things she failed to provide you?

- Ryan

Most Recent Response

I've heard this several times, actually. It's one of the greatest questions of faith. I hold true to my faith because it's constantly being affirmed, it's self-sufficient if you will. Here's the way things go down: Life naturally brings along troubles of varying degree. In each trial is something to be learned. I can take joy in this, because I know the negative things that I go through will ultimately lead me to a higher state of being, more developed into the man I was designed to become. I see miracles everywhere I go, things that couldn't have happened without some kind of puppetmaster behind it all. Some call the hand of God fate, but when they give credit to fate's power, aren't they acknowledging a higher power, a being, perhaps? Sounds like fate can be just another name for God, particularly pertaining to his actions and consistent providence.

I doubt you've had children yet, but think about the way mothers do allow their children to "suffer." A mother who lets her child cry itself to sleep at night is providing that baby with self-reliance, as well as the lesson that there are things that he can do on his own without her constant aid, which may lead to confidence or other desirable traits in a person. As the mother provides her child with a learning experience masked in suffering, the child grows. You could say the mother is turning her back on the injustice of her child's discomfort, what has he done to deserve it? Nothing, really. Yet she allows him to grow accordingly. You could additionally think of this instance as experiential sustenance, or "food," that will propel the child's growth. 

But she also hates doing it, and it's one of the hardest things a mother has to do for her child. Holding back her care is much harder and takes a toll far greater than indulging it all of the time. The child would become too dependent upon his mother if she gave into his will all of the time, and wouldn't that in itself be an insult to her superior wisdom and personal purpose? It would be both a waste of her talents and counterproduction to the child's personal development. The child could remain an infant forever. No perseverance, no character, essentially no self esteem. No possession of learned abilities. No pursuit of knowledge. Think of all the royalty that has been driven insane historically from receiving everything on a golden platter. Some were entirely incapable of making any personal decisions or acting in any way for themselves.

You propose that this god is not a god worth following. I propose that his allowance of us to do great and mighty work on our own, away from his direct involvement, is a care of its own far more powerful than undying servitude. This world produces injustice, God detests it but allows it to take place in order to make us stronger and to give us a means as to how to use the capabilities he has granted us. Originally, all was perfect if we obeyed him. You undoubtedly know the story of the Garden of Eden. It was man who failed God, not the other way around. Man is easily corruptible. Man is born into a sinful nature.

God cares grandly to the little well being of us as the creatures of his Creation. With faith, I've been able to do things I wouldn't have been able to do any other way. I didn't even understand what I was doing, most of the time, during the majority of my grandest accomplishments. Securely wrapped in his arms, he provides me with both blessings, encouragement, and trials to strengthen me. He increases the weight when he wants me to grow most, just as we do in the weight room. If we lifted the bar alone and simply went through the motions without the adversity of weight, would we have ever gotten any stronger? Would we have our doubly consecutive state titles? Certainly not. In all honesty, we would be pathetic weaklings dresses up as warriors of the gridiron. There are spiritual forces at work against us, opponents of the football field, if you will, that eternally strive to corrupt us. That give us doubt. That provoke us to question the fabrics of God's work in our lives. That provoke us to ponder the very existence of our maker. To deny the sacrifices he has made, the undying omnicapability he owns. To work against the plans for us, against nature, and ultimately against ourselves. Without the strength of the challenges God provides, how able would we be to stand up against such oppression and negative influence? Essentially powerless.

You brought up an additional point. That you believe God praises evil. His word and his works constantly state otherwise. I don't know if you believe the historical accounts of the Bible, but there is many an occasion under which God allows Satan to destroy lives. To try and crush spirits. To drain victims of the very hope in their lives. He does allow evil to happen, but he does not praise it. He condemns those who commit evil, never repent, and never accept his sacrifice to eternal suffering. Satan himself will burn eternally once the legacy of the world has come to a close. He actively vanquishes it. Have you heard the stories of Sodom and Gomorrah? God made it rain fire on these cities, whether that came from a nearby volcano or the clouds themselves is up for debate, but he basically destroyed them for their "general wickedness." They were oppresors of the divine, of angels. Rapists. Not one man aside from Lot could be found righteous in those cities. Evil was rampant and God destroyed it. Jesus was sent to eliminate the threat of death once and for all and grant eternal life in heaven, that's a pretty direct gift by the way. Salvation. Instead of eternal suffering, eternal residence in the mansions of heaven? Sounds pretty sick to me. In a good way. At this same time, all who have led sinful lives against God and rejected salvation will be condemend to this eternal suffering of hell. 

Here's an atheist's view on that concept of Hell (in a ways.. he talks about hell like a truck), and you might recognize him as Penn of the magician duo Penn and Teller:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhG-tkQ_Q2w

Evil is adverse to God. God is adverse to evil. God allows it to strengthen us by overcoming it, but I believe it bothers him to do so. Just as a mother hates to let her child cry, like you said. The mother who feeds her child these negative experiences is also serving opportunities to grow. Admittedly, she does spoonfeed an infant from time to time. She lets the troubles escalate as she sees fit for her child, according to her knowledge of his skills. She doesn't give them more than they can handle, and if she does, she will always help her child through these instances. God does exactly the same if we let Him. If as the the child grew in his these abilities granted him and grows prideful of them, perhaps a day will come when he rejects her providence. He actively pushes it away. He might even attack his mother with the skills she embedded in him. That's the sick part, isn't it? When we go against God? When we bite the hand that so faithfully feeds us?

A mother knows her child better than the child does himself.

A mother knows what her child can handle better than he does himself.

And the best part is that she's not God.

God is reguarly called our perfect, heavenly father because of his providence. It is an analogy he set up. It's a great picture.

And he's not abusive, he's not neglective. He takes care of His children. And why not, when he is so almighty?

If you feel comfortable reading a section of the Bible (I don't know if you do,) then please follow this link and read the words of Jesus himself. Press the right arrows >> and stop when it says Matthew 7:11 at the top. It's where this all comes from. Where it's promised:

http://bible.cc/matthew/7-7.htm

Let me know if I missed any of your questions. Thank you again for questioning me and my faith, this is as much a great learning experience for me as it is for you. It's an excellent workout, really. I love it and really appreciate your questions and interest.

Ninth Comment

I've never seen someone take so strongly a stance on anything in my life. Its what makes this so fun for me, because i havn't been challenged like this before.

 

You spoke of fate as being the direct act of god. I find this some sort of a fallacy. Fate is an idea created by humans to express the passage of time and any events within it. Fate it something we have constructed to describe "destiny," or our ending place for our lives. It is nothing something that it controlled or directed. It is nothing to be manipulated or tampered with, as it is just an idea. However what it describes is the course of events that our life takes us through that is impossible to judge. It is simply the representation of how our lives play out in one simple word, holding the symbolic meaning of an entire lifetime. This is not the product of a higher; it is the product of human imagination. Of abstract thinking, that i beleive is credited to the process of evolution. You spoke as well to my analogy of a mother refuting a child's needs for attention in order to make the child more self-reliant. However you didn't answer the question i asked. Sure, God may allow some to suffer through depressing moments of anguish such a loosing a love one to make the person stronger. But what of the rape victim that will be forever be emotionally and socially scarred due to her run in with the apparent evils of this world? What of the dictators in foreign countries that live lavishly while their people starve? These people who represent the greatest evil in our democratic America don't live bad lives. They are in fact praised. They are gifted with luxury, even though they have committed blasphemy of the highest degree. Genocide is hardly just.

Now, you also spoke of faith and how it allowed you to do things previously unthinkable. I agree from what i've read on you that you have accomplished many great things in your life. You've come from hardships most people dont have the pleasure of enduring. However, you give yourself too little credit. Everything you've accomplished in life was not due to the loving embrace of your all knowing god. It was through the motivation your faith bestowed upon you that you managed to pursue every end possible to reach your goals. And reach you goals you have. I don't propose to you, i tell you what you've done in your life comes from your own actions. I only say this because i share in this endeavor. I credit nothing to a higher power. I've gained everything in this life through what drove me. The only difference between us is that your faith allowed you the motivation to do so, whereas I simply relied on myself. There’s nothing bad to say of this. Now i know what you may say, "that is god's will! To do for yourself what he intended!" I refute this belief. Every obstacle in our lives were not constructs of a higher power, they were constructs of man. Only others have held us back, but that is the environment in which we live. We compete and we strive to outdo each other. From the small scale of doing such with your friends to the big scale of cooperate America, the only resistance we've met has come from self or our environment.

 I don't know about you, but the world is a much colder place than one could imagine with a righteous God looking after his children. Even with certain resistance thrown in our way, not everyone gains the strength to persevere. Some turn to the side of darkness and lead lives so horrible only those around them can chronicle such a nightmare. I've been through the slums and seen people being mugged and jumped. I've seen what drugs have done to society first hand, especially through the consumption of alcohol. What has caused them to go down such a path? Nothing else but the human condition. Their nurture, their environment, through a series of inexplicably complex and drawn out events has brought them to where they are. They had choices down the road as everyone does due to free will, but they chose elsewhere. They are weak in spirit, and they failed the trials your god has given them. So, after all is said and done what becomes of these people? With no hope for repentance based solely on the fact that they could care less for it, long ago these people turned their backs on god, so what becomes of them? They get cast into the eternal fires of hell because they would not comply with their creator. A harsh punishment no matter what crimes you've committed. To burn and suffer for all eternity is not something any human on this planet can fathom comfortably. That is a long time. No being of any supreme power has the ability to grant life and so whimsically cast it into eternal anguish. Not to say i stand up for those who have lost their way, but to be honest it doesn't even have to be that extreme. Does cheating on your first wife grant you eternal asylum in the fires that never end? Sure, it is not a good thing to do but damnation forever is not a worthy punishment. 

What of the past? Without hundreds of years of scientific repression from the catholic church, can you fathom how advanced our society today would be? Not to preach against religion so strongly, but imagine if you will a different scenario without religion. In today's society i like to think we are somewhat liberated in thought and enlightened as compared to hundreds of years ago. However the false pretense that religion should rule over everyone’s life in the medieval era caused so much strife that the sciences themselves were almost choked out. Anything that went against the church was snuffed out and people were killed for such "injustice." How righteous can that be? Through the misinterpretation of the good book thousands died in droves. 

If there was no religion today, would people be so savage as you implied? Would there really be no higher level course of thought like philosophy? To philosophize is in human nature, and it comes with the ability to think abstractly. The nature of metacognition in its barest form is to philosophize (Why do i think?). Without religion, hundreds of years of scientific repression would be non-existent. Our society today would look much different. The medical field may have advanced so far as to cure aids or cancer by this time. Of course this may only remain speculation, but you fail to take the bad with the greatness that faith can bring to someone's life. People have so widely misinterpreted something that is so invariably "holy" that it brings into question the entire concept of the "holy bible" itself. Faith to most gives values and guides them along the right path in life. To love thy neighbor and never murder etc etc, However what of the negatives? Religion changes your life and changes you as a person. You will never be the same once converted both internally and within society's eyes. Not to say this is in all cases a negative thing, though it allows for skepticism. Anyone can interpret the word of the lord any way they wish. In some places in the New Testament some very offensive things are said. For instance: "Let the women learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence" I Timothy 2:11-14. There are hundreds of these examples taken directly from the bible that calls the context in which it was written into question. Yes, it was another time back then and things are more liberal in today's society, but to revise the bible to apply it more directly to today? That’s a whole other kind of blasphemy. 

- Ryan

Final Response

(Have you ever been writing on this site, hit the scroll bar, and then had to start all over again? Forgive me if this comes off as a little irked.)

You take a most agressive stance. I'll work backwards, and to the best of my ability address the entirety of your response.

Promoting misinterpretation of the Bible, speaking out against God, consequentially discrediting what he has said is as you say, by definition blasphemy. Revisions of the Bible, on the other hand, are created all the time:

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Modern_English_Bible_translations

Revised to appeal to the comprehension and captivation of its everchanging audience. Not a bad thing as long as it reserves its true meaning, which a few may have failed to do. Misinterpretation of the Bible is a serious thing, like you mentioned in the ages of the Medeivel and the Inquisition. The Church does not have the most glorious of a history, this is true, but I'll get more on that to you later.

The words of the Bible, just as the words of any other work of literature, must always be taken into context before relied upon. You have to figure out what it's saying beyond the words, clear all possibility of misunderstanding, and this can be done by reading the entirety of surrounding verses, chapters, and sometimes even books. The author and the original audience is crucial as well. Paul doesn't send us his greetings, although his courteous words to the Phillipians may give us some enlightenment as to his true character. Let me give you the proper take on the verse you mentioned, although the joking side of me is begging to make a sandwich joke.

The second chapter of First Timothy serves to discuss the church proceedings and customs of whatever church Timothy was to go to and preach. It focuses on the respective roles of men and women, as established by God in the Garden of Eden. Both men and women were to abide to certain laws of conduct: men to pray harmoniously, the women to partake silently. The women were not to dress or to adorn themselves elaborately as would distract the congregation from its purpose, to focus on, commune with, and glorify God. It was woman who was deceieved by the serpent, them who took the first steps into sin, and them who led man to do the same. This is the only biblical instance I can recall of a man following a woman's lead. It didn't work out so well. For this reason, in respect to the past, woman were not to assert themselves dominantly over man in the midst of church services. In governments, perhaps, but not in the services dedicated to the Lord.

You're right. Man has been granted the freedom to screw up. There are no guaranteed safety wheels. Misinterpretation is allowed but not condoned. As Paul once said, "Everything is permissible to me -- but not everything is beneficial." If someone follows the Bible's instructions incorrectly, that's their choice. Their shortcoming. Whether or not they intend to, it is still their fault. Intention does not matter in regards to obedience. Ignorance of the law is not an excuse for breaking it. When taken to the necessary extent of entirety, the Bible does not mislead. Taken far enough into context there is no room for skepticism, as you suggest. For the most difficult to comprehend of passages, a thorough understanding of the whole Bible may be called for. There's a point where a man has to admit his understanding is limited, and act accordingly.

Acceptance of your Savior comes with the command to be holy and sanctified, literally set apart from the rest of the world. It becomes the entirety of your identity. You are a Christian, an aspirer of Christ, and this should never waver from your life's focus. The center of your purpose, if you will. Conversion does leave you an entirely new person, which is why there is so much focus in the Bible about literally dying to yourself before being born again into the body of Christ. There is also realist talk of this new slavery, but whether we like it or not, we are all slaves to something, we just get to choose our master. Whether you want to serve the limits of yourself, the darkness of sin, or the limitless perfection of God is your choice. That's what he left up to you.

Why do you say the right path? Our human morality means little compared to the light and guidelines of the Bible, which must be followed accurately as previously stated. 

The book is holy. The body of Christ (the church) is not. Our understanding is not. Misinterpretation is not. We don't call any of these things holy, but I believe that's what you're referring too. The words of the Bible do not fail, the understand is what falls short. You know the term "The Holy Bible." Have you ever heard the Holy Church? The Holy Interpretation? The Holy Understanding? The Holy Misinterpretation? I doubt it. If you have, they're probably either clever titles of books or of one that should be written. Kind of comedic when you think about it.

There have been times when the Bible was so widely misinterpreted that the Catholic church took thousands, if not millions, of lives. Satan knows the Bible far better than any man does, he's had close to two thousand years to read it. None of us have lived that long. He is also the master of lies, and can manipulate its words to cause a believer to stumble or stray from the life designed for him by God. These times have been colloqially dubbed the Crusades, the Dark Ages, the Inquisition, as well as countless others. It's probably the most misunderstood, most controversial, and definitely the best-selling book of all time.

Philosophy is a branch of religious study as much as religious study is a branch of philosophy. Metacognition is basically self-analysis. If you believe in the whole faith schpeel and the Bible and God, then philosophy is so delicately intertwined into religion that they would be nothing without each other. Or very broken apart, at least.

I can not make definite statements of the hypothetical.

This is again misinterpretation. The problems that the Bible has caused are heartbreaking. However, it itself is not flawed. Selective readers can use it however they want. To back the craziest of notions. The mind of man is obviously the problem here, not the book itself. I don't know how to deliver this idea in words much better than that.

Sciences were almost snuffed out. I bet this would have broken God's heart as much as it would have broken the contemporary philosophers. If God does in fact exist in the manner that you propose and I so concretely believe, He is the best of all occupation: a statement which does not except those of the philosopher and the scientist.

What you would like to believe is absolutely true, if not in the manner in which you intend. As Americans, we are on average educated to a level much higher than any have been since the dawn of mankind. We are encouraged to think freely by society. We're not weighted down by the confines of a parachute backpack. It's a dangerous realm we tread, but it's also a very liberal one. It's possible to be a slave to freedom, however. This idea took me a while to comprehend and factually and experientially confirm, but it is true. Throw in the human condition and it's called hedonism: a philosophy where essentially everything is meaningless and we're all just here to have a good time.

Cheating on your wife does not grant you eternal asylum in the fires that never end. How righteous would that be? Fortunately for us, our God is righteous. He gives us a way out, and it's basically the same as the common man's. Own up, confess it privately and directly to God (I think confession chambers or whatever those Catholic interrogation devices are called are not a positive entity,) and accept your forgiveness. That's basically the path to salvation if the need ever reaches your attention. Salvation is the greatest gift even the limitlessly powerful God can grant. Forgiveness is divine, remember?

Not only did God offer our sins forgiveness long ago, but he also sent his son to die for our immunity. He knows suffering well beyond what our puny human hearts can fathom. He took the guilt, the burden, and the anguish of every sin ever committed and to be committed upon himself in a moment. And died. That's salvation. He took a bullet, he ran into flames, he gave himself up. He could have quite easily escaped his demise, but he chose not to because doing so would firstoff, be sin as the direct disobedience from his Father, but also because it would defeat everything he had ever stood for. His perfection would be nullified; his mission failed. Death would still be permanent. We would have no hope of a Heaven. But he didn't give in. He watched and felt himself bleed out. Crucifixion.

Then, we spit on that? The soldier of righteousness who drew us out of the flames, perishing himself, vanquishing death, offering our miserable failure eternal life in Heaven? Putting up with our endless shit, our minor transgressions against him, our mildest disobedience, and loving us all the same throughout?! The guy must be crazy, right? His unconditional love, there's simply no fathomable reason behind it. One I can never comprehend without the value of his grace, his mercy, his undying love. His downright immense passion that never backs down? And then we spit on it. We kick him in the crotch. We try to hit him where it hurts, fail because he's so much bigger than us, and then feel proud that we tried? Proud of ourselves? Our own abilities? The truth is that their not our own. A realist realizes that his capabilities have to have come from somewhere. Growth doesn't happen without nourishment. Life doesn't happen without intent. They have to have come from somewhere, which is why I believe I deserve absolutely no credit. I don't not give myself enough credit, if I give myself any, I am committing the greatest atrocity the face of the Earth has seen. Defiling the sanctity of the universe's eternal gift. Discrediting my creator.

This crime deserves a punishment worse than bodily death.

This crime deserves eternal death. Eternal maximally and beyond agonizing suffering. Unimaginable beating. Unimaginable agony. Heat beyond our wildest dreams. No chance of escape. No hope of an end. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to be proud of. Just pain. Just torture. Just eternal fire.

Because when you're cheating on your wife.. it doesn't really matter. When you're disobeying a direct order from the God who created you.. that's what matters. It doesn't matter if you commit murder or if you're stupid enough to give yourself a little credit. Sin is sin. It's all equal in His eyes. From the greatest in our eyes to the least significant in our eyes, each action deserves the hell I described.

But he doesn't give it to us. He found a way he could remain just and get around it. He sent his precious, his only son to die in the greatest sacrifice like I described afore.  And he defeated death for us all.

You might need to take a minute before you continue reading.

The world is a horrible place. We've made it so. We do horrible things to each other on a regular basis. We do horrible things to ourselves on a regular basis. We commit the greatest of atrocities. I agree with you wholeheartedly. In the literal sense of the word. We can only look forward to death like the slaves who wrote "I'll Fly Away" did.

"Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love."

- Albus Dumbledore

 

Look up the definition of praise. Fine, I'll do it for you, follow this link: http://www.bing.com/Dictionary/search?q=define+praise&qpvt=define%3apraise&FORM=DTPDIA 

Joking again, I'm not really being impatient with you. Excuse my rudeness, haha.

Praise is laud. I believe you're referring majorly to the reward of luxury. First thing I'll say is, this is hardly a reward. It's bondage. A bondage to increasing wealth, envied by those below and despised by those within. Those who live lavishly are never satisfied, they always need just a little bit more. They've plateaued. They've hit what they think is the best there is, so they settle for it. They stop improving, because they've hit the point of unwieldly wealth and worldly power. They go depressed and insane because they've lost their purpose in life; there's nothing left to achieve. Their actions are meaningless now. They're stuck.

Their hard work, benevolent or not, has been both the cause of their ruin and the summit of their worldly reward. Now, God doesn't condone this means of self-inflicted suffering. He doesn't condone our falling into the lies of the world. Wealth is what Solomon, the wisest of the wise, eventually succumbed to. It's horrific. You say he praises earthly wealth. He despises it. Jesus himself said, "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven." This amazed the disciples who adored the wealthy and it was the wealthy whom they thought of as religious. The Pharisees were their title, if you want to do some research. Fascinating stuff, really.

The atrocities you mention are horrible. Is there really much more to be said than that?

Some of the world's greatest men have been forced to endure horrible lives. Some of the evilest men lead splendid lives. The world is injust, not God. This is the realm of free choice and man's evil treatment of one another. "Love your neighbor as yourself," he pleads; some never listen. The golden rule's just another thing they learned in preschool and when they graduated, they graduated that doctrine as well. "Screw respect, screw benevolence, I'm going to get myself ahead (into destruction.. haha, yippee!)" is an exxaggerated version of what have consciously and unconsciously decided.

To conclude the fate thing, fate simply does not solidly exist as defined. All I was trying to say was that people have attributed some of God's work to the hand of fate. Superstitious people, carnival psychics, you know, those kind. It was indeed a fallacy if I phrased my meaning improperly.

Anyways, that's all I've got for you by now. Let me know if you need anything else or if I missed anything. God bless ya, man.

Final Comment

I muse over this whole conversation and i can't think of one time where someone has so eloquently bested and enlightened me in the same moment. I've nothing else to say really. You've affirmed many things i hold true and gone that much further. You truly have opened my eyes kid, and thats not something thats done so easily. I've been pulling my own weight when it comes to keeping an open mind, and its quite the incredible relief for someone to have done it for me. There are things i disagree with of course. I still truly think that everything I've made in life was a product of my own ambition. Whether or not that may be spitting in the face of my creator or not i care little for. If your god was so just, he would see that taking pride in my ambition and action is just what he intended. If i overcame the obstacles he threw in my way and felt nothing of myself for them, if i simply threw my hands in the air and PRAISED THE LAWD then would i have benefited at all? Not for myself anyways. Maybe spiritually, but not in the moments that matter most to me. All disagreements aside, I felt like i made a friend here. Someone who understands me deeper than anyone I've ever known. Perhaps even my own parents, my own "gods" of my earthly realm (i say this as an analogy. Prevent any further blasphemy i may have already committed i guess).

 

Thanks friend. Pray for me, alright? Because hell, if I'm wrong thats all I'm gonna get in the end.