Consequentially, this would have played out in a very melancholy and self-pitiful manner. But as always, you deserve better for your troubles. The last few days have been busy, but things have been changing. I've been getting busier by the day, more tired by the night, and slightly more overwhelmed by the moment. When moments of rest do come, they are very much appreciated. Watching Captain America with my mom and my brothers tonight, for instance. Decent movie, not quite as good as the rest of the Avenger movies, yet decent well enough. Totally called the ending, though. But is the age difference going to be an issue?
I'll get this out of the way, so you and I don't have to deal with it much longer. I felt a bit of a rush of truth today. However it wasn't the enlightening kind we all know and love. If there were such a word, I would dub it endarkening. I had a peek into some of the emotional anguish my mom's been getting from old photo albums, photos on the wall, legal letters, and the other face-to-face encounters of the essence of what's going down in her marriage. Tragically, this feeling hasn't really caught up with me until today. At around two or three o' clock, we stepped into Grand Central Terminal.
The last time I was there was in the March of 2010, a time throughout which we vehemently looked forward into the future and the time of our reunion as a family. A much looked forward to trip had been scheduled for me to go to New Jersey to check it all out, pick our new family home, and become familiar with the area. After gathering the approving signatures of my teachers, with a laugh of assignments and an optimistic eye to the future, Mom and I set out the door for my first time hitting up the big city. "Rookie Hits the City," I recollect titling the proud and precious photos uploaded to Facebook, almost immediately upon my return.
The trip was incredible and among the fondest of my exploratory remembrances. The industrially smell of the city, the surprise of Newark's urban nature, and the long drive through North Jersey examining towns and the unforeseen bareness of the trees. Yet all this negativity was negated by the positiveness of our hopes for the future. Our guaranteed reunion with Dad in May. We would finally be altogether a family again.
Yet over the course of years, God occasionally decides to entirely invert the ins and outs of our perspective upon a certain matter, for better or for worse. My initial sours became sweet while my initial sweets turned sour. Shortly after a year had gone by, we discovered Dad would not be staying in our home. Months passed and we discovered he was divorcing our mother. By this time, I had fallen in love with my new home. The people and their nature, the architecture and the culture, the proximity of the city.. the Eastern Seaboard had become as magnificent as the West. My family had also begun to fall apart, for the first time. The crucial link to be slowly, oh so agonizingly slowly, be severed.
And I don't know if I've bottled things up or if they've been kept from me, but none of this has really occurred emotionally to me until now. I've taken a very mental viewpoint upon my emotions, ever striving to feel, and it finally came upon me in a relieving rush of despondency today's afternoon. I'm sad just thinking about it. All I wanted to do was get the hell out of there, yet maintain my composure while I was there to not ruin the experience for my little brother Wesley, who had never before seen the place.
It started after some time at the New York City Public Library, which I should discuss later, as we headed over to the Station. I remembered the excitement I had of the place nearly two years ago, and of the food we sampled in their downstairs market. As well as some interesting pizza we had dined upon, that was apparently the true kind, or that was what my dad had said my uncle Will had told him. It was one of the highlights of my trip.
Things kept striking me though, simple differences that ran parallel between the two time frames. The first fell in my coat, surprisingly enough. I remember my brown coat soaked black. The time during which we were in New Jersey poured rain. It was like the Forrest Gump kinds doubled. It rained so hard, the bounce from the pavement went up my nose. So wet that a duck wouldn't even find it lovely. Yet I did, because it was only just slightly ever so uncomfortable. A bit of a challenge, and I knew it would make some delightful memory material one day. We went to the Natural History Museum, through Central Park, up the Empire State Building, and paced Time's Square. Things were great, but whether it was the rain's illusion or the city itself maintained a mystery to me. What was this world like in its true colors? What would it be like if I could see clearly? What if it was as my coat, soaked dark like the finest of leather, yet truly brown and somewhat cheap underneath? What was it all, really? Would I ever truly find out? Had I already?
The next was heavily ironic, painfully symbolic if you've been analyzing too much Huckleberry Finn recently. The best of memories, by which I mean the hall of the food concourse, were no where to be found. The place I had found with mom and showed to Dad.. it just wasn't there. It was as if the memory had been erased. The general rush left no room for questions, there were no directions in that maze. I couldn't find the same pizza joint. I couldn't find the same Boston Market-esque place. And all of these things were striking me as representative of my current life's situation.
Has it been planned this way? That Ryan MacDonald would use his agnosticism to solidify my faith, my grandfather's reassurance, that the deep and meticulous study of literature would open my mind to irony, satire, and metaphor? That this had to be with dad and my brothers on our bittersweet-by-definition day together? Have all these elements been compiled, back-to-back, all so that I would be able to finally see things clearly? To feel? Has this all been God's timing? It dates way back, then, because this is my second time reading Huck Finn. Dad gave it me Tom Sawyer in Alabama which almost immediately led me to Huck Finn. This second time brings back memories of the past and the inbetween, while opening my eyes to the deeper aspects now that the superficial plot has already been covered. Nearly ten years I've been prepared for today, grilled to perfection, and left to observe my own pain poetically. Is God awesome or what?
Things continued to strike me from the moment I entered until the moment I left.
The moment I left.
That was it. That was the minute I had to step back outside. Into the real world. I had a mental flashback in time to the sight of the pouring rain outside. The threshold I once crossed between peace and war now became the threshold of war and peace. The internal war of painful memory was over, the world ahead. The recognition was nearly full complete, my hands on the door...
And I almost couldn't do it.
The peak. The beginning. The first moment of the rest of my life. Through the furnace. Endarkened and enlightened to the toil around me. This. Is. Now.
February 2012: Shit becomes real.
But it's not all bad, no, of course it isn't. Ryan asked me why God allows us to suffer injustice. And I answered him. That truth God had me pour out now applied to me fully. It will continue to grow. Things will continue to get tougher. And I will continue to get stronger. I will continue to be more like Christ, and I will continue to be the man I was born to be. Each step brings me closer to home, each day a second closer. And although every day might not be good, there's a lot of good in every day. And that makes me smile. It makes me happy. I become overjoyed.
Because, in the end, life is always good. The good, the bad, the ugly and the funny, it's all there for a purpose. It all works out in the end. And there's a guaranteed happy ending. A true happily ever after, the only of its kind. And it gives us the will to fight on. Something to hold on to. And it's worth fighting for, Mr. Frodo. From the fires of hell to the guarantee of eternal life, God's grace is ever unending. And it's never exhausted or worn out. Isn't that great?
Some things that were marvelous about today:
- The New York City Public Library -- Forget the Great Library of Alexandria, this is where it's at. This has got to be the most intellectual and expansive of knowledge reference source in the world. Need some research done? Hit this place up like the hundreds of college students who study there most every day. From a map of Aloha, Oregon and Madison, New Jersey to an extensive history of Latin America, from every word ever written of Shakespeare to the assorted dictionaries of pseudonyms and slang terminology, the knowledge is whatever you're willing to look for. It's almost all gotta be in there somewhere. And there's even a kid's section downstairs with close to a dozen security cameras.
- A quick souvenir: an extensive map of Manhattan and its buildings. Not a bad resource either. Thanks Dad!
- Coffee and a tongue that's burnt to this moment. I like how that feels though after a few hours, fun to play with, really. Thanks again Dad! (No, honestly, I really do enjoy having a burnt tongue. Not at first though, admittedly.)
- Captain America -- Nice chill time to watch a movie. Not bad entertainment, not bad setup, not so great that it traps you in thought for hours, not so great that you really, truly, sincerely wanna cry when it's over. In other words, nothing like Shawshank.
- Writing a full journal entry again, it's nice to have some free time on the weekends. Not to mention that I saved a few innocents of Skyrim again, nice to chill out.
- Time at the high school with Dad, Wesley, and Cade. Football, pole vault cushion, and long jump covering, all merely tools for the show of little brothers.
- A nice nap in the car. Really felt great.
- Ideas: Yearlong service project in Costa Rica or Peru, ideas of hitchhiking to Miami for cheapest tickets, hope of talking to Will about that. Gets me thinking about the future. Gets me excited. Too bad some poor starving kids never get that excitement, which is why it might be really cool to work with them as well someday. 30 Hour Famine donations really just don't entirely cut it.
By the way, if you're reading this, you might be perfect. A perfect candidate. You and I might just be able to form a three-way mutually beneficial charitable business transactions. Here's how it works:
My Part -- For the third time, exclude birthday presents from my birthday. Rather implore all interested to use that money to donate to World Vision in sponsorship of my 30 Hour Famine, execute the Famine, and send the money off to the world's hungry. Not to mention every dollar I receive is multiplied by eleven, as eleven larger programs have agreed to match each dollar donated this year.
Your Part -- Fuel those donations. You get both the satisfaction of a deed well done and the leave of a need to find me a birthday present, brilliant, right?
The World's Part -- Earth gets a day less hungry with each dollar donated. Each dollar we donate is equivalent to over a week and a half of food, education, and housing. The world we lives in gets that much better.
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