I was pretty awake and alive at PBBK, but now I'm pretty solidly crashing. I feel like I do around three, when it's really nearly seven hours earlier than that. Why do I want to crash so bad? Will I catch a second wind?
Just figured out it can't be forced.. this is genuine fatigue. Energy, that is. It doesn't just come out of nowhere.
I thought I'd write a psalm tonight. I suppose I was wrong. Maybe not, let's give it a shot! *hey, we're rhyming already.. too bad psalms don't really do that*
I cry out to you out of my fatigue, Oh God.
At the suggestion of another, I still deliver you the plea of my heart.
Give me rest and give me energy.
Give me a place where I can be me.
I wish I could say life were falling apart around me, God.
I wish I could say I had a lot on my plate.
But you leave me with the simple and common strife of life.
Why, God? Why do I not feel the pangs of the arrows of heartbreak?
I long to be sad again. I long to feel. I long to be real.
I long to feel the variety of existence, the spectrum of emotion.
Why am I trapped in this state of draining joy?
Is it real? Are you giving me strength? I search and I ponder deep within, but yet feel none.
I do what must be done.
I fulfill my duties faithfully and long to glorify your face.
I give you credit in all that I do.
I acknowledge that my abilities are not my own;
my achievements I have not attained alone.
Like my magnificent state championship ring I feel
The one I did not earn as my own but fought to prepare
Every day of practice, every toil of sprint
Yet it was not me who won varsity games.
It was not I who performed in the most decisive of moments.
Yet I bear my ring with pride, acknowledge the work I have done, however small
And smile with the overcome of all
My soul is like this ring in oh so many ways
Beautifully designed, well used, and here for a solid purpose
Yet it does hardly feel, perhaps not at all
Is it a sociopath, then?
Or is it simply its design?
God, I hand these questions and these worries over to you
I do not come close to fully comprehending, yet am glad and faithful as to your might
I know you provide, I know of your personal grandeur by which you abide
Why are these things so, then, God?
What tears apart families seems trivial to me
Am I subconsciously hiding?
Is my head forcibly stuck in the ground?
Shall there be no escape, or will you rescue me with some pain?
Just to know I'm real and still here.
God, give me something to be my bane.
I long for the thrill of the fight.
The joy of the battle.
The spiritual triumph in accomplished victory.
And still I find none.
I am not afraid to be judged, in fact I long
I desire scathing criticism
Deliver me some blows, give me ways to improve!
If I am doing all I can, give me more to do!
Let me use the strength you've given me.
Give me the drive to exploit it.
Let me make full use of your spirit that never abandons!
Let it make full use of me!
I feel wasted in the sense of futility
I feel like my actions hold little value or meaning
I feel like the mighty acts we perform together
are just grains of sand on the coast.
Blended into a mighty picture, a beautiful one, but relatively insignificant on their own.
Is this how it shall always be, as according to your will?
If so, make it clear and I will bend.
But if you want more from me, show me what to do!
Throw what the world's got at me.
Wreck me so I know how I'm weak!
God, I beg you of this.
For toil, for pain, for feeling and for strife.
For accomplishment, for meaning, and for life.
Give me an obstacle course.
Give me the words that will make me hoarse.
A battle cry, an exclamation of anguish.
An emotional tale, a legacy.
If this is not already it, I let you know how ambivalent this all feels.
I feel like there is subconscious emotion within.
Are you showing it to me now?
Yes, I begin to feel.
Thank you God and let it grow!
After this post is published, let me continue to dwell in your will.
Make me your hands and feet, your lips if need be.
Your ears, your eyes, whatever you desire.
I will be your workman.
Your layman.
Let it be so.
Amen and the highest of praise to you, that beyond the realm of words and actions, and into the everlasting of the heart and soul.
Thank you God.
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