Combating Insanity

Tired from little sleep, sore by braces, annoyed by broken toe, and sick of letting these things get to me. I've been a little agitated lately but been trying to hold it in, and it hasn't made the best of an impact on my conduct. I haven't been acting up to my full potential and it's bugging the hell out of me. It's funny, you regret the things you don't do much more than the things you do, typically. Because one's limited and the other's not, probably. There's no limit to things you can accomplish with a day, always one more thing you could have done, while you can probably count the things you've done a day on your fingers, and your toes on a good day. There's quite a bit of pain in disappointment, you realize the opportunities you've let go are never coming back. It's always so much better to take a shot and miss than to not take a shot at all. The best way to reconcile yourself in loss is to know that you've done all you could possibly could. There's a joy of itself in holding nothing back. And when you're not all that you could have been, what greater and more permanent loss is there? Time doesn't run backwards, sadly.

Anyway, today, I kinda let things get to me. Inertia took effect. I half-assed it through school, got my homework done quick but there was barely any; it took less than an hour. Normally, I would have been happy about the extra time, but what did I really do with it? I went home, spent a few minutes in the Word (there's a positive, although this is all part of something God brought to my attention there and then,) then locked myself up in my bedroom and hung out on the computer until it was time to go to PBBK. A half hour lost, just like that. Who really cares about what goes on in Skyrim? Nothing you do there matters, but the irony of it all is that while you're idly inside, you feel like you're saving the world or helping out whoever you're currently occupied by. It feels good while you're in, but it feels like such a waste once you're out. Why do I keep going back in? To kill time? Isn't that atrocious? Killing time is a murder of its own kind. We're only given so much.

I changed my phone's screensaver today. I found Proverbs 15:15 and put it down, and it's basically all about outlook. "All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast." Life is where your heart is, and if you choose to love what's going on your spiritual stomach will be satisfied. If you choose to let things get to you, to be "oppressed," you're a wretch. Pity parties are despicable, and that's about all this has been so far, but with a touch of owning up to my actions. There ain't no holding back here, this is an honest place, and I'm truly not proud of today. I let it rot, got held up on the irritating specifics, and basically allowed myself to oppress myself. What's the deal with that, right? I messed up, and here I am continuing that load of bullshit. Get me out of here.

Perhaps my worst crime of the day was neglecting the opportunities of PBBK. I could have hit it up with God, but really didn't. Worship was superficial for me, and I can't believe the front I was putting up. I went through the motions of what I usually do, but my heart wasn't in it. It's a Me+God alone time, but I completely put it in the trash. Pitched one of the most valuable things on Earth, and I am SO sorry I don't even really know what to do about it. Thankfully, God's one to forgive.

I can't do that again, going through the motions. Not with a day, not with worship, with absolutely nothing. Each moment's a gift, and how I use it is all up to me. I held things back I should have let out, and now I think they're about to come out as tears. Do you know how long it's been since I cried? I sure don't. I'm not there yet, but I feel it coming on, and I haven't let this magic juice out for what must be years. How could I have destroyed a day like this one?

Nothing was full-on effort today, but it was a downward spiral. You let yourself slack something off and if you don't put in the effort to get back on track you're going to become a mess. I'm not saying to be a tryhard or a gym class hero, as in certain moments you're not expected or obliged to put your best foot forward. But usually, you're accomplishing something else. Not going all out on a trivial activity is going all out on part of a bigger picture, whether that's making sure things are fun for everyone, reserving yourself for something greater, or simply behaving courteously -- you're basically just acting in a manner respective of your peers. You're going all out towards another means. Upon these occasions, you're doing the right thing, like when you're up against a little kid in a game the goal is obviously not to absolutely crush him. I'm just saying mankind needs to constantly go "all out" in pursuit of the right thing.

That's not what went on today though. My holdbacks were selfish and some were probably even disrespectful or degrading to those around. Acting short of your maximum positive potential is a sin of disappointment. "Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." - James 4:17. And this was never an excuse for humanity as some make it out to be, but when taken in context is an exultation towards the righteousness of God and his providence of salvation no matter who you are. Don't take Romans 3:23 alone, but take it in its truth. I've heard it misused so many times as the excuse, "If everyone falls short of the glory of God, why can't I? My imperfections aren't so bad." but this is so out of whack it's ridiculous. (Full text (22-23): This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.) There is no excuse for imperfection. It doesn't matter if it's possible or not, you have to do your absolute best.

To be honest, we are called to be PERFECT. Matthew 5:48 clearly commands us to "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Jesus came to set the bar, always, in every moment, do your best to reach this standard or you're disgracing his life. Spitting on it, really. Don't forget about the rubric, don't disregard the selfless sacrifice that went into developing it. I implore you to be inherently respectful of Jesus, you owe him your life. "Do you not know your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought a price. Therefore honor God with your body." This goes for more than just sexual morality, and honoring God with "your body" doesn't exclude your thoughts. It's the entirety of your earthly being. Your brain's a part of your body, is it not?

How would you treat a soldier who saved your life on the battlefield? Who not only took a bullet you deserved, but blessed you with the promise of an eternal life better than your imagination can fathom. How about a firefighter? Who risked his life to take you out of the flames, should you only follow his lead and instruction. A police officer who strikes down your enemies, alleviates you of your bounty by taking it upon himself, and mercifully gives you freedom? Jesus has been all these and so much more, yet some of us still treat him like scum. You were destined to die and suffer eternally, but he saved your life at the loss of his own. He conquered death itself for you individually, as well as everyone you love and everyone you'll have the pleasure of meeting at one point or another. Isn't that incredible? He asks our entirety in return, but don't we owe it to him? We owe him our lives and should be willing to fight to the end to defend him.

It's a lot like that scene in The Count of Monte Cristo actually, when Edmond bests the thief Jacapo and instead of killing him spares his life. The guy wasn't exactly honorable, he deserved to die, yet he was spared. In return, Jacapo vows his utmost fealty as a gift and relentlessly follows through. This is a nice comparison but still doesn't come close to what actually took place in the reality of Jesus' sacrifice. No analogies can fully match the significance of what took place on the cross. It was a one of a kind moment, executed perfectly (no reluctance this time with perfect,) and made the biggest difference in the infinite history of the universe and beyond.  What could possibly hold us back giving Him wholehearted service but our own personal weakness?

We make me feel sick.

All of this makes me want to run to him, fall at his feet, break into begging for forgiveness, and praising his name incessantly. As much as He is a God of wrath upon our adversaries, he is a God of mercy for those who devote themselves to Him. He saved our lives once, what's to stop him from doing it again?

"What, then, shall we say in response to these [following] things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all -- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any change against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died -- more than that, who was raised to life -- is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us."

In the words of Chris Tomlin:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkljgA5SQc8&feature=related

Water you turned into wine

Opened the eyes of the blind

There's no one like you

None like you

Into the darkness you shine

Out of the ashes we rise

There's no one like you

None like you

Our God is greater

Our God is stronger

God you are higher than any other

Our God is healer

Awesome in power

Our God

Our God

Into the darkness you shine

Out of the ashes we rise

There's no one like you

None like you

Our God is greater

Our God is stronger

God you are higher than any other

Our God is Healer

Awesome in Power

Our God

Our God

Our God is greater
Our God is stronger
God you are higher than any other

Our God is Healer
Awesome in Power
Our God
Our God

And if our God is for us

Then who could ever stop us?

And if our God is for us

Then what could stand against?

And if our God is for us
Then who could ever stop us?


And if our God is for us
Then what could stand against?

What could stand against?

Our God is Greater

Our God is Stronger

God you are Higher than any other

Our god is Healer

Awesome in Power

Our God

Our God

Our God is Greater
Our God is Stronger
God you are Higher than any other
Our god is Healer
Awesome in Power
Our God
Our God

And if our God is for us then who could ever stop us?

And if our God is with us then what could stand against?

And if our God is for us then who could ever stop us?

And if our God is with us then what could stand against?

What could stand against?

I know I couldn't ever stop God. I couldn't stand very well against him either. If you read this, for one of the first times I am not only directly communicating with you but glad am actually glad you're here, I could really use some prayer that I won't have a repeat of today any time soon. I don't want to stand in the way of God or slow down his work in me at all, but I regrettably admit I sometimes do.

And it breaks my heart.

Please help.