Sugar is Bitter and Salt is Sweet

First off, I want to thank all of you who not only took notice of yesterday's entry but took up arms towards its remedy. I still don't really write for you guys, I write for me, but I do know you're there and a part of me somewhere deep appreciates the fact that this can be used as a communication device. Its purpose yet remains similar to that of a diary, not as the series of sermons it may appear to be. I do find its stats amusing, though, as I can't think of many diaries that have been snooped upon near as many as this one has. The Russians, Germans, and Ukrainians I see on here entertain me the most. How did you guys even find this, what made you want to follow it so persistently? Can you even read English?

If not, why are there so many of you guys on here?

As you may have noticed, this entry is not near as intense as yesterdays, which should be indicative of a job well done for those of you who called in the big guns from up top. My day was not very much unlike yesterday's but my approach was different. Once bitten, twice as audacious. Yesterday's weakness is behind me, I'm off to bigger and better things. I got reacquainted with what it feels like to fall short of your potential, to do the lazy thing, and to simply go through the motions. If you're given a good day and your heart's not in it, that's infinitely worse than a bad day you fight your way through. There is accomplishment in trials overcome, utter anguish in the blessed days neglected.

Today was a good day, I feel great! Although blessed as always, today also bore its fair share of hardship. But this time I took it upon myself to confront them head on, attaining victory through the power of God, and took minimal damage upon myself. Well, that's not entirely true. I did succumb to a crime as bad as any, I allowed myself to lie out of shame. No excuse can be made for those sins, they are treachery, but I know why I did and it's not something I'm proud of. I wanted to make myself look better to my inquisitor, but who am I trying to kid? I know I'm nothing. In light of all the support I was getting, I deliberately disobeyed and did the wrong thing. I'm disappointed, but the Bible says not to dwell on such things. Instead of getting caught up on the bad, why not look to "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, [and] whatever is admirable..., excellent or praiseworthy?" Confession is good, but guilt is not a place we should linger and wallow. Quit being a whiner and a pussy and take that continual feast with joy, my friend!

Today was awesome. I didn't handle it perfectly, but there were some things I really am proud of. I completed a pretty solid workout, sought revision of the program, and filled out a history essay that may have secured me into an A-. With Honors credit, this bumps my history worth to a 4.7 which will REALLY help me out as I've improved most other things as well. I'm getting close to the end of the semester, which will lead to some nice closure, but also it'll be nice (speaking of closure, I just cleared up the lie) to have my grades out of the way. (I don't know how well that's going to go, but I felt a little better getting it off of my chest. Being sorry isn't a very good feeling, confessing you lied doesn't feel great either, but all I can do is hope for forgiveness.)

I also got my English test back and am approximately .001% away from an A- in the class. We have a test on Emerson and the Transcedentalists tomorrow that I feel pretty prepared for, but it means that I've just gotten into the clutch. My history grade seems secure because of this essay I'm confident in, but there are a few more grades that will affect my English. It would be really nice to get the points up in my Honors courses though, as two 4.7's is pretty good for a GPA. It all falls down to these last two weeks, not to mention midterms. So these things are all great, but what do they really matter in light of the grace of God?

So basically I can screw up completely on one day, and He can turn everything around the next. I used to think he stopped at the midline, and left us to do the rest, but just last night I realized our relationship is much more like that of myself and the Sleeping Potato. My little brother Cado's got some problems with falling asleep in his carseat after a long day, and the duty of bringing him inside falls upon me.

So there he is sleeping, no chance of getting out of the car and into the house on his own. He's buckled in, and isn't even always willing to go inside with me. I can get in close and try to pick him up, but occasionally his grumpiness pushes me away. When this happens, I usually have to back off a little, but still desperately want him to come inside. Not only am I wanting to enjoy the warmth of the house, but I want him to be comfortable as well. So I go back in. I'm all the way in the car and I gently unbuckle him, pick him up, and when things go well, he makes it easy for me to carry him in. He snuggles in close and holds on tight, trusting me to take him to the place where he belongs.

Not that I'm particularly comfortable placing myself as metaphorical God, as I'm probably one of the worst candidates for such a position, I feel much better comparing myself to Cade. I'm stuck in a life of sin, bound in, and I have even pushed God's help away at times. Regrettably, there have been times when I rejected God's grace. I'm a prisoner, my comfort zone is a dungeon. Yet in the midst of these times I don't want to leave, I'm convinced I'm comfortable. I think it doesn't get any better, but it does. It gets so much better. I let my will go, temporarily sacrifice my comfort, and rest in God's arms, completely relying on him to carry me through. He's not going to drop me, he's going to get me where He wants me to be =).

There's some kind of pain in my gut, I want to read the Bible and be consoled. I feel incomplete without it, and I want to find that solace again. I want to hear back from the man I lied to. I want resolution, but sometimes it doesn't come immediately. There are a few things we have to do, and until they're satisfied it's hard to focus. My writing might be a little incoherent, I'm distracted and don't have the peace of mind I usually do whilst writing. My unfinished business holds me back from writing wholeheartedly, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to stop now. I can't connect. I've said what needs to be said for today, not all that can be said, not all that I would have said had I been in better condition, but all I can muster now.

My apologies if you're a reader.

Bye bye now.

We'll talk again later.

Signing off, I just gotta get off.

Maybe I can find peace of mind in tomorrow?