(Edit: These first three and a half paragraphs are some of the most rigid, awkward, and most uncomfortable-to-read sentences I've ever written. I'm keeping them in for honesty's sake, but I urge you not to read them. You'll really be better off if you don't. The rest is much better, and much more fun too. Read only if you're the type to read license agreements.)
This is my first entry. Recorded on yet another sleepless night. Pardon emotional lingo if it arises, Pandora plays the Epic Soundtracks playlist that makes me feel like I'm the world's protagonist.
Questions are running through my head. A flurry of deep philosophy, likely encouraged by this music, but perhaps also in the wake of this new part of my life. I plan on making this last. This will be my life recorded in all honesty worded as if no one else will see it, take it as you will. Content will however be relatively selective, the deepest interworkings of my mind will remain secretively internal. Take this also as you will.
Nearly ten minutes in, December 2nd, 2011. Ebla from E.S. Posthumus just came on. It was in Matrix Reloaded, a movie I've never seen, yet a song I've heard nonetheless. It's a little more upbeat so I can write a little faster. It's cool. I like it. So, let's recap this day, the quintessential stigma of traditional journalism.
Today was the first day of possibly the last year of mankind. That statement's probably not true, but I feel like it gives you the proper mindset. This year's theme: live it up. Nothing held back, true to myself, recording life on blogger. We're taking states again, baby! Haha.. getting distracted, this music's making me think big. Anyway, this day was admittedly pretty awesome. It was my little brother's birthday, which means cake, treating him special, and a cozily pleasant sense of familial binding. He turned 12, an age I remember quite well, yet not fondly. Hell, come to think of it, that was probably one of the worst years of my life. I would hate to know that me. It sure isn't this me. Wesley will probably change a lot too, it'll be interesting to see how that plays out.
That's probably one of the most fascinating things to witness in life. A life unfolding. What could possibly beat that? The eternal and perpetual battle of discovering, developing, and coming to terms with identity. I love it.
Back to recap: this day is longer than it feels. I woke up, got ready relatively quickly, ignored a threat of being left behind from my mom, and got to church. Five or ten minutes later, I was delivering announcements to the congregation, an act which I love as well. Not the announcements, they were rather boring to be honest, but standing in front of people. It used to make me nervous, still does to an extent, but now it's not so bad. Those slight pressures that your nerves give you, when they border upon adrenaline, give you a high you can't get anywhere else. That's why I call myself a fighter. I love tension. Perhaps we all do. But I like to think I'm special, which I'm probably much less so than I think I am. I've never once thought myself perfectly ordinary, which is true in the perfection sense, but my ignorance of any ordinary traits: that's more debatable. I run from conformity, hate it, if everyone likes something I strive to find a flaw in it. My mom's the same way. We don't like following the crowd. We stay true to ourselves, but I think I'm more of a lone wolf than she is. We both stand alone, but I think there's something different in me I can't quite put my finger on.
The church service was great. I found more enjoyment in the worship than I have before, save perhaps Winter Retreat at Harmony Heart Camp this year. The worship at the Simons house too, that's definitely one to take into consideration as well. I was playing a guitar that night, and I felt power in that. It was cool. My voice also was doing well that night, a skill I'm developing in my more recent months. I want to lead worship soon, but I'm just waiting for an opportune weekend. Anyway, back to today's church service, I feel like I should laud the swaggerific effort of Katie Ozolins. Swaggerific's not a word, but it's a cross between lax (which sounds lazy) and terrific (which sounds cutesy) taking the positives of both (relaxed and smooth; shamelessly excellent and wonderful) and captures her spirit quite well. I have much adoration for her spirit, as it seems one of genuine selflessness and highly honorable. A strong mother, a persistently loyal wife, a handmaiden of God, and an all-around ideally solid example of dedication. Her church service this morning was full of worship, humbly conducted, and well executed. I was proud to be a part of it. It included much worshiping, my announcements, Ryan's perfected sermon (a term I'm hesitant to dub, but willing to do in such a case, it felt inspired, personal, and effective, as well as improved from the one at camp,) and some closing prayer (I think.) Oh yeah, and there was this candles illustration. During Change My Heart Oh God, we were, if led, to light a candle in acknowledgement of a confession we were to make simultaneously. I will not disclose mine publicly, God knows what it was, and I know it was meaningful. It helped me to let go of an ongoing issue. No use crying over spilled milk right? But damn, spilling that milk was seriously painful. Anyway, conclusively, I loved the service and want to thank Katie, Ryan, my mother, and any of the others who helped to put it together.
Oh yeah, God did.
Anyway, let's continue with the day. Tron music's playing in the background, I feel like moving things along. Never seen the movie, but this is kind of a cool theme song. Barnacles (I'll try to minimize expletives), I keep getting distracted. More Hans Zimmer in the background, kinda cool, new song, I don't want to spend time figuring out what movie it's in. Sounds Chinese. Anyway, I went home, played Skyrim, got so sucked in I considered not going to the New Year's Bash I had currently been posted as a "Maybe" for, but managed to pull away and I sure am glad I did. (Hey, I don't know if anyone will notice this, but I just compressed a few hours into a sentence as opposed to what I had stated for the sermon in the above paragraph which lasted a considerably lesser amount of time. Time is obviously more wasted than it feels while you're fulfilling your video game destiny.)
The New Year's Bash! It was great! I got a ride from the generosity of my mother, shyly pulled alongside the church, and looked the opposite way while my mom waved to Sarah. Looking back, I was kinda silly and embarassed, like a little kid, during those moments. I don't know why I was looking away, I was embarrassed of myself for no apparent reason. Somehow, I mustered up the courage to get out of the car and go cower in Sarah's minivan, under the cover of "I don't want to go in there alone, seem like a loner, you know?" when it was really "I'm embarrassed, I don't know why, I had to get out of my mom's 'Mom-Rocket' and come watch you guys eat Chinese food." Fortunately for them, I had eaten previously at home, can't remember what, but I was full enough not to rob them of their dinner. I knew there would be food inside anyway haha.
Anyway, sitting in the car was a little funny. I awkwardly spurted my first social sentences out, making light conversation, overthinking things enough to have to put effort into not making a fool of myself, and just kinda said a few things. Made them laugh, but that was probably just courtesy. I got to see Spencer again, that was cool. But basically, we just sat there for a few minutes, joked about it being like a stakeout, then finally just went in. I hesitantly (why?) gradually integrated and found my way towards familiar faces. I might have broken a little privacy with the members of the minivan, sorry if I did, I'll try to be a little more careful. Guess you saw some funny things that I might have previously well covered up. I don't know if anyone else feels this way. I just put these things down to try and laugh at myself a little.
There really is a difference between external and internal reputation. I found it in The Scarlet Letter and I've been thinking about it since. Thankfully for me, I think I'm a little easier to be around externally than internally. If anyone were to get inside my head, or inside my dreams (sorry but the Inception music is playing haha!) I apologize in advance. It's a scary place, and one you might not like very well. Here comes that noise everyone raves about haha! Haha this is so epic, I feel pretty cool.
Woah.
Guys.
I just realized something.
This is your window into my internal world.
What I write is my thoughts.
They might scare you.
But that's okay.
You don't have to read this if you don't want to. If you're scared, leave, or keep reading. Just be warned.
Okay, two things that shouldn't happen in sequential order. A crazy pizza hut commercial song about picking any topping you want, and then the film score for Braveheart. Sorry guys, but that's one of the unforgivable crimes in my book. That's like simultaneously playing a psalm of David and a Weird Al song. They just don't mix. Silly songs are okay, by themselves, but they shouldn't serve to disgrace other works of art. "Other works of art" are wonderful and shouldn't be disturbed. Fortunately for you guys, my rage has been soothed by the onset of the orchestral Concerning Hobbits. Who can be angry in The Shire?
Guys, I'm sure you're going to realize that these entries are going to be very multidimensional. So far, we have a delightful medley of philosophy, assorted commentary, random thoughts, sudden realizations, and daily recap. All of it's going to be crap to certain people, but maybe a piece or two will linger for your enjoyment. I'm not really writing this for you. I'm writing it for me. But I love attention. So writing to a potential audience is exciting, even if it never comes. I'll probably post a Facebook link to this so SOMEONE will read at least PART of it, but that's not really why I'm doing this. I'm doing this because while stumbling around on the internet, I found an article discussing journal-writing on the "The Art of Manliness" website. How can you ignore something that promises to be fun and allegedly makes you a better man at the same time? Whatever, some of you sick bastards might be entertained by this nonsense, but that's your problem, not mine. Enjoy nonetheless! (This should probably be put at the end, but I don't want to stop and I think it would be dishonest to move it. This parenthetical statement was inspired by the onset of a part of the Forrest Gump soundtrack, when confronted with something so pure, how can you not evaluate your own qualitative honor? How do you match that guy as far as innocent sweetness goes? You can't! Man, now I feel so bad about myself. Did I really call y'all "sick bastards?" Even jokingly, I shouldn't have said that, sorry. I feel like to erase it would be dishonest, but I do wish I could HONESTLY take it back. But forget it, it's been said, and I'm not going to lie to you guys. Appropriate censorship is okay though in my book. I didn't originally say "Barnacles.")
So... let's get back to talking about my day.
But first.
Think about this!
[the running song just came on =)]
No, not that, but this:
(Bold, because it's important)
IT IS WISE AND NOT OFFENSIVE TO SELECTIVELY READ THESE ENTRIES. IF SOMETHING
BORES YOU, DISINTERESTS YOU, OFFENDS YOU, DISPLEASES YOU,
OR MAKES YOU NOT WANT TO READ IT FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER ---
IGNORE IT!
TOPIC SENTENCES FOR THE PARAGRAPHS SHOULD HELP MOST OF THE TIME!
By the way, it may just be the fact that it's getting late, and I probably should have gone to sleep long ago, I must admit I'm seeming immature to even myself. This is what it's like to hang out with me late at night. I start to go crazy. But it brings up a cool point: you'll see me mature as I continue to write these entries. That'll be cool. Remember what I said about witnessing someone grow up? You can now witness ME! growing up.
You'll see my writing style improve in the serious sections.
You'll see my thoughts get a little less juvenile.
And you might even be able to stand the occasional poor joke or silliness my thoughts inflict upon you.
Sorry, I feel like doing something a little more serious. Allow me to finish recapping the New Year's Bash, as my experience and degenerating memory holds it:
Jimmy Donaruma (cool last name, btw) announced early on that there would be THREE distinct countdowns that night. (He also had, if I'm not mistaken, that many adorable kids around him at the same time.) The first would commence in roughly five minutes. It took roughly one. Before I knew it, we were playing a round of New Year's Knockout (which is no different than the regular knockout game) and laughing and having a good time and all that good stuff. After I got out, I would go play some keep-the-ball-in-the-air type of game until the next round started. [Pirates has cool music] I repeated that cycle for close to an hour, or until Knockout dissolved, then participated in a larger game of keep-the-ball-in-the-air.
The next thing we did (order will be approximate from here on, I can't guarantee accuracy at this time of night) was organize this relay deal. Rules: You start on the starting line (go figure, huh?), put on some clothes you probably shouldn't be wearing (I got some sweatpants and what I think was a woman's sweater), run down to a baseball bat, put your forehead on it, spin around 20 times, embrace your dizziness, run back to the dressing area, where you would then proceed to "disrobe" (which I believe has been singularly a biblical term for a while, originating with the awkward yet awesome moment when the king of Israel disrobed in front of servant girl, who then proceeded to never have any kids, all for the glory of God. I believe that's also where the "I will become even more undignified than this!" song lyric comes from.) and return to the starting area. Most people were then done. But not the first and the last. The requirement for the first was strength, the requirement for the last was an iron stomach.
We were then counted off into teams. 1's, 2's, 5's, and 8's went over to one side. Whatever was left went to the other. I was a 2. Brendan Ng nominated me for the first, obviously he thinks I'm strong or something, and another kid (I can't recall his name. Not his fault, but mine; recalling names is not my strength.) was picked as the one with the iron stomach. We go and get our instructions. We come back full of secret arcane knowledge. That information remained secret for a few minutes. Not intentionally, we just didn't think to tell anyone. I don't think it was even secret. They were called "special instructions," as I remember.
The race starts and I'm the first one to go. Not the best candidate. I was faster to the pile than Dov Landau, but he sure knows how to put clothes on, not to mention his impeccable sense of fashion. Like I said, I wound up with sweatpants and some kind of sweater which I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to put on, so I just threw it on over my head and put an arm somewhere and made a run for the baseball bat. Jimmy scolds me, I put another arm through what was probably the neck hole, and start to spin with my head covered with the torso section of the sweater. I lose positioning on the 'x' almost immediately. I get put back in place. Count up to what I thought was 20, and ran my way back. Stripped. Quickly. Aggressively. Furiously. That sweater was coming off whether it liked it or not. The sweatpants could trip me as much as they wanted too, but they were coming off as well. After slaying the horrendous outfit, I made my way back to tag (was it Gawgs?) and hope he could make up for my lost time. I don't know how well Dov did in that part, but he obviously did better than I because the second person was already getting dressed as I was on my in.
Gawgs did excellently, from what I can recollect.
I laughed about it. Chilled out. Went and relaxed. Asked a few questions about my next part of the challenge. Aren't you just dying to figure out the special instructions? Probably not, but I'll keep you waiting just in case. Somehow they made up my lost ground and we pulled ahead. Not that I noticed that until the end. I guess I just didn't really care. Honestly, I just wanted to win the upcoming battle of strength. I spent most of that time sizing up Dov, who looks pretty ripped with his military shirt and camo shorts. In my head I'm like "Hey, what am I up against? Some kind of commando?" He wasn't, but I could see him becoming one. He's a pretty cool guy. Facebook says he's a freshman, if that's true I'm pretty surprised. He could be like me though, and be the type everyone thinks is older than they are. Most everyone I meet for the first time thinks I'm an upperclassman. I still don't know how to deal with people's surprised reaction when they find out the truth.
I was also excited to see the iron-stomach challenge. The kid seems like one of those cool kinds who'll do whatever it takes to entertain an audience. Not afraid to be a little crazy, brave enough and secure enough in himself to get the job done. He might also like to do gross things, but that's just guesswork. I figured he could handle it though. Whatever it was.
Okay, you've waited long enough: the challenges are as follows. The last person, upon completion of the regular course, was to chug a 3/4 full pitcher of coffee. He was then to tag me and I was to drag a leader (Matt Webber or Jimmy Donaruma) across the midline of the basketball court we were in. They held onto a rope, or were tied. I didn't pay that much attention. I think Matt had it in his belt loops.
So, the way they played out is as follows. The kid gets back, figures out he can't do the challenge because he's not supposed to drink coffee, so Trent Anderson (hell of a character) steps up and chugs the drink. We cheer him every step of the way and he gets it down. He barely makes it over to me and I go over to grab the rope by which I would drag Matt Webber across half a basketball court. For the first couple of minutes, while the other person is still chugging their drink, Jimmy held Matt in place. Not only was I trying to drag their combined weight, but Jimmy was actively fighting to stay back. He had shoes on and was using their traction to supplement his strength and hold them in place. I think I got them a ways over when it was both of them, but things came along much more smoothly once Jimmy let go so he could be pulled by Dov. I got a bit of a head start, but had been tired by the effort I had put in to drag them both. I also had the advantage of having taken my socks off for more traction. I got Matt across first and won the challenge. My next feelings were those of sweet victory. I felt the glory of Maximus Decimus Meridius upon me as I put my hands in the air. I wasn't quite the hero of Rome and I didn't receive as much fan attention, but I still enjoyed the joys of triumph. (Now We Are Free started playing right after I wrote his name, by the way, that's pretty cool, right?)
That was the highlight of the night. I don't remember what came next. We did do other things though. We carried a couch, watched a photographic recap of the year, there were a few too many pictures of "beeacahn" and I was in a few pictures, but other than that it was pretty cool. There was also DDR, two Faith-Chapel-style danceoffs, some game with frisbees and buckets, games of keep-the-ball-in-the-air, Egyptian Ratscrew with John and John, Kylie, Gawgs, and The Incredible Family, soccer ball fun with Talia Elizondo and Dan Folta, a chance to be a knight in shining armor for Michelle Leung, some random lucky shots with a basketball, free-for-all dodgeball, Sarah's signature your-mom-texted-me-to-tell-you-to-go-home signal, festive cookies, carbonated beverages, some jokes about bartenders, some MHS alliance references, acknowledgement of 66% of the Trio, proposition of the temporary standin version known as the duo, and there might have been other fun things to do but I'm kinda done listing and this sentence is pretty long so I might want to stop even though I've wasted close to two lines just explaining that I want to cut it off, which might actually be false, because I'm still writing and should probably stop but don't want to and I guess it's okay to keep going because who's going to tell me to stop?
That question mark.
In conclusion, tonight's event and seeing the people from Long Hill was pretty great. I gotta start spending more time with those guys, they're great, love each and every one so far.
I went home. I took off my shoes. I sat down on the chair with chocolate cheesecake in my lap. I said I was going to finish it off, I left a slice. Couldn't finish and still have room for Wesley's birthday cake. Ate it with some ice cream he must have picked, because I don't know another soul who enjoys cookie dough in their ice cream. I griped some about wax on the birthday cake. Mom cleaned it up. We sat down to watch limitless, a movie about this guy who starts off a wreck, gets some wonderpills, they almost destroy him, he manages to overcome them, and everyone that supports him is happy. The end leaves some question marks. Wesley's smart and he's pretty sure his final explanation to De Niro is truth. Mom's less certain and thinks it could just be a bluff. I wish I had energy right now to get into that, because Sherlock Holmes' soundtrack came on, which I think is one of the best music ever composed. Great movie. Who wouldn't love it?
Then, I went on Facebook, cleared out my notifications, chatted with a friend for a while, then just started writing a journal. That takes you to the beginning of this entry. I'm pretty tired so I think I'll go to bed now, after posting a link I'll probably regret to Facebook, and going to sleep. Good night everyone!
